being sick sucks.

Dear Blog, I hate being sick. What did I do to deserve this, I was just sick last month! Body aches, head is spinning when I'm out of bed. Driving around tonight was interesting, I was half feeling like I might pass out and half sweaty, then half freezing. So that's 150%. Hmm.

Leaving tomorrow for vacation, though it hardly feels like it's here. Packing hasn't happened. Neither has laundry or kitty litter or watering the plants - all the fun things I do to prepare to leaf. It WILL happen though and I will leave, feeling fully prepared and hopefully "with it". I know excitement is in me, I know a huge smile will grace my face on the train ride down and the entire car ride over. What is it, 16+ hours? LOVE the road trip!! Love it all, love the path I'm taking for life. Of life? Taking life? That reads funny but I know what I mean ...

I'm not much fun to talk with right now, am I? My toes are giddy, they like clicking against each other.

Feeling fatigued about work since the new year started. Every time I try to put my finger on it, I come back to the thought of "what if this is just how it is?", and fatigue sets in deeper. It's like I don't have time to sit back like I used to, I need to make time to do that. It's all in my mindset and I know this, and at the same time I'm worn down too much to care. Sounds so shitty when I write it out and maybe it's just because I'm sick right now but that's what I feel.

Going to sleep now. Hopefully I can zip around tomorrow lickety-split. Hop hop like a bunny!

mcd.

i'm over it.

... and out.

what now?

Sometimes I think that I'll find a love
One that's gonna change my heart
I'll find it in commercial appeal
And then this heartache'll get chased away

I don't know why I feel this way. Like running down a field until my feet trip, head over heels I'm stumbling and rolling. Travel is consuming me, I want to get out so bad. Away. Closer but not far. Far but not all the way. I don't even care much where, just that it happens. There is room for everything I want. Wiggling its way in, I'll keep my dreams alive, the ones close to my heart that feed my brain's sensory.

Dance, dance dance away. Kick up your shoes, fly away in the wind. I'm going to bed now.

xoxoxooo.

my heart
it don’t beat
it don’t beat the way it used to.
and my eyes,they don’t see you no more.
and my lips, they don’t kiss,
they don’t kiss the way they used to,
and my eyes don’t recognize you at all.

Need to pick up pain thinner on my way home from work. Easel is all set up and ready to go, canvas waiting. Colors bursting through me, I want to get this out. I feel good and great I feel ready and amped. I also feel like the shell that's dropped into the sea and slowly drifts down to the sandy bottom.

Got excited for moving last night, looking at redfin. Not sure where that's going to end up but it's going to happen and it will be good. I'm singing inside. Too busy to write here at work, want to get back to this.

It feels so good to be home tonight. Me, the cat, my tv and computer. Wish I had some paint thinner though, the easel looks like fun to play with. And I have all that fun paper too, just not really in the mood to cut & paste. Or sew. I'm pretty beat, actually. All week the fun hasn't stopped. Last night's sushi was fun, let's do that again! I'm even too beat to want to upload pics off the camera. Blah.

Curious if we'll end up going to La Poosh tmrw. It would be so nice to sit on the smooth rocks, next to a fire ... It would also be fun to end up in town with a whole bunch of nothing to do. Open road, open plans. I love it!

Very happy lately. I like having my time back.

Talkin' shit about a pretty sunset,
Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon.
My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself.
I changed my mind so much I can't even trust it.

Life is strange. You meet people, you learn things about them and they move on. Some people you learn about and you weave stories together and it bonds you. Life goes on and you have strings to people and things that matter. Without them can sometimes be easier, sometimes harder. I'm learning (again) that I have a great foundation of friends, full of love.

Work is so much work lately. Pretty overwhelming. I switched modes and have been listening to This is a Long Drive pretty much all day. I love music that has been a soundtrack to my life for so long. Can't remember who they opened up for but I can vividly remember seeing these guys at the velvet elvis. There were just bleachers set up for chairs, they might have played a whole five songs but we were so excited just to SEE them.

Dark chocolate with caramel is pretty effin' phenomenal.

LCD Soundsystem can play in my ear all day long. Little symphony of beats and spinning and marching on. Work is so busy and I LOVE my job ... BUT (always the "but!") I could really use a break. October cannot come fast enough I tell you. We're going to Panamaaaaa and there will be good times. Ah, lusting after something so sweet as new places, new languages, new foods and sights and the open road with some friends. Life is sweet as honey. Warm as hot cocoa in the lodge, cozy like the blankets when you're sleeping in on the weekend. Love it!!!!

I wake up and the phone is ringing,
Surprised, as it's early.
And that should be the perfect warning,
That something's, a problem.
To tell the truth I saw it coming,
The way, you were breathing.B
ut nothing can prepare you for it,
The voice, on the other, end.

Oooh, ooh I just remembered something. I think I've done this, way back when I had just started at K2. I know I used to when I worked at MZ. Head out to westport straight after work. Surf at night, sleep, wake up and surf early and get to work around 11am/noon. Trying to figure out if it would be possible to squeeze in something like that, move the work around to a little different schedule?

HMMM. I like this plan formation!!

Going through the CD's. Going back to what I had before but not who I was. I need a different word to describe what I'm feeling besides "weird." That's the best adjective I have right now.