well i'll go to college and i'll learn some big words
and i'll talk real loud -
goddamn right i'll be heard!
you'll remember that guy that said all those big words he must've learned in college
=
and it took a long time
i came clean with myself.
=
i fell clean out of love with my lover -
i still love her
love her more when she used to be sober and i was kinder.

Oh my god, this song is making me so sad I can't stop listening to it. Just the ending though. It's all misty out and goddamnit I have to press out these stupid dana pages...too much work. Not enough time. Sooooo, SO excited to venture up to Vissler this weekend! How nice it will be, to have a four-day workweek next week. It will definitely be a feat if we pull off bikes, boards AND skating. Hope the weather feels like coooperating.

Today has been super productive and I feel fulfilled with what I've done today. Look, I'm a cog in the working world! Hah.

YARR BLOG! First-mate Marcy here, cap'n crunch'n all...

Man I just can't work anymore. Coming in on the early boat is now a staple but Jeesh it's like - how long can I just straight w-o-r-k for? Stoptime. So last weekend was the Best. I cannot get over how much fun I have while surfing. I also cannot figure out how I used to get past bigger waves. Was I just not as worn out? The scene is becoming so big, there were at least 20 people in the water down by the fingers last week. What else is cool is the growing number of chicks doing it. Yay, us! The minority of everything besides pregnancy. And lesbianism. Aaand, what else? I know we're not the minority of everything. Now I'm remembering a lovely conversation with Eli and B and Michelle about things that women really can do better than men. Hmph. But yes, surfing was very rewarding, fun, exhilerating - and cute to see B out there too! I love being out in the water, out floating and out pushing myself to new places.

Work is getting under control. About a month ago, I was swimming. Very happy to have that turn around. And my teensy spit of a raise. This company is such a Joke, I swear! Can't wait to go back to skool. Need to figure out what it is I'd really rather do longterm - both of the fields of interest (if I do narrow it down to those two) are pretty specific.

Yelch, time to catch zee ferry. Wondering if I could leave car in parking lot overnight...such a waste, to have missed acupuncture today. Oh well, always tomorrow! I think I'm going to request 15 needles in my wrist alone, this time. Stuipid CT.

Why the Verve, blog? Aaah it's so sad!
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown - this time I'm coming down. (talk about Wah!)

This weekend was so much fun! Scrabble is a bad disease sometimes. I am very excited for summer to finally be here, skating at Burien on Saturday was So Much Fun I think I might burst. That is something I needed to do, just hang out in the sun and skateskateskate! It's fun going with the same people too, seeing them learn new tricks. Grrr, that's something I need to do. Was getting quite frustrated! I'd love to get a new skateboard for my bday. Something about bigger wheels, going faster...?

And then surfing - oh yay! I am so jittery for this weekend to come so that me & B can get out there...definitely good times. It felt good to be back in the waves, back with the water. Floating...paddling...looking around and seeing people who love the effort and fun of surfing. Love it. See, now I'm glad I have an extra board - it's very handy for having people come with who don't have their own! Oh, and the sun came out...glistening off the waves, and then the foamy leftovers from a wave crashing past. Going surfing makes me all excited like when I was learning how to snowboard. And the Sun!

Must get back to work -- wanted to log the fun weekend before it becomes Wednesday.

Holy two-boat work schedule, Blog. Very pleased I caught the 6:55 today...

Just found out that spinach and peanuts block your body from absorbing calcium. But not chocolate = Interesting.

Looking forward to Whistler this weekend!! I hope it warms up up there, just checked and it is a rigid 30F. Not exactly what I'd like but hey that's good! Also hoping it stays dry because I would very very much like to go skatepark touring up the hwy as well. Fun weekend coming up with my honey! I love it that we can do anything together & don't get bored and don't run out of words to say. Love that we are going out of town, to forget about things for a few days.

Argh must work must Work! Bogged down in a swamp, must work. Belle & Sebastian are perfect right now.

Oh Blog. I am getting tired of fixing my posture. I almost told my p.trainer to just tape me up so I can screw all these stretches and exercises. But my doktor wants to stop acupuncture & start on massage, which would be a lovely treatment.

B's birthday is tomorrow and Brian since you read this sometimes, I can't very well write what I got you now CAN I? Hah. Gin and I took the early boat (whee) and ran all over the place before finding what we needed: undisclosed birthday present item here. She sure can come in handy for knowing what to get for people! Such a lovely, thoughtful girl. This weekend is getting all full of stuffs.

And I want a nice new wide skateboard. Very envious of B's new deck...

On the positive, work is seeming accomplishable again. The tables are giving me issues but it's coming along nicely. Stupid MS with their stoopid .NET krap, they were in our office today filming and they were like "oh, cool...so you guys are the web department - can we film you like, doing some real-life work?" Ali and I both despise this attention. Ali more than I, likely, being as she really knows a whole bunch and nobody out there even knows a small percentage of it. Then this guy has to come out and - oh I don't know. I think it was also Vickie Mercer who creeps the entire company out. She came by, then lousy Pius and his droning voice came by With the Cameramen. Just obnoxious.

Ah yes, the positives...getting excited planning someone's birthday. Never done that before. Cute gerbera daisies here by my desk...all bright & cheery. Oooh and we're planning time up at the condo in Whistler - biking yay! Summer trips are looking splendid. I can't wait to go surfing! Want to nail down SD - excited to surf in warm weather. Oooh yes. Longboard skimming across bubbly waves with sunshine on my back, sounds of crashing water and getting wet in my bathing suit. I.Can't.Wait!!

Limited mobility passenger elevator

Servicing the piling

Such a fun yesterday, canoeing! Seeing the blue heron very up-close, when it was stuck in the reeds...the eagle chasing the seagull...getting stuck backwards in the dead-ended tunnel. Mother goose, large mother goose, guarding her nest and scaring me. Having fields of lily pads surrounding and the sun shining its rays right through the bright green leaves, casting soft glow across everywhere I look. And then having to pee in the middle of the fun.

Rotating scrabble board = trouble.

Ug. Highly delerious due to lack of proper sleep. Bedtime: 2am. Awaketime: 5:45. Stupid early boat. What in god's name was I thinking? Stupid scrabble addiction. I wasn't even playing with good score last night.

Today:

- work. finish Ride boards...specs & features. need to create interactivity per Tara's req?

- mandatory picnic. no longer care about rumored beer.

- followed by mandatory meeting. hmph.

- acupuncture. maybe she can stick a needle somewhere that will make my body think it has gained sleep?

- sleep, cozy, lounge etc. tonight. highlight of the day!

Reheating hazlenut soy latte was worst idea in the world. Disgusting - took one sip and almost hurled self out of whale.

Staying up until almost midnight finishing pages just doesn't work when I have to wake up at 6:30. Lethargic drawl runs through my limbs.

DeathCab is just about all I can handle right now. Enough of stupid new White Stripes, no thanks Cory. ...stupid cory.

I am eight years old. Today has not been a very good day. Today has made me want to scream because right now that's what I am doing inside. I hate feeling like my whole life built up to this day has been one big mistake and it's not getting any easier to figure out where I'm going. I hate that when we were putting up those framed polaroids in the kitchen that the sun had to come bashing down and make that loud noise. And I don't hate my kitty but I didn't like that watering pitcher to hurl itself off the windowsill when I opened the window, causing Begonia to leap out of my arms with her claws ripping into my arms, then landing on the lucky bamboo pot and cracking its lovely green varnish.

GRRRR.

Brian's not good at small talk. And that's okay!

JoJos for dinner....that's okay, too. Thanks B for going and getting that because I am stuck here building out my 24 pages of snowboards. Yay.

Don't like how I've been feeling about myself this week. Want to crawl in a hole. Really don't want to go to the picnic on Friday, though beer is a good incentive. Stupid work picnic, stupid boss leaving for vacation so we have to come in on our days-off.

Oh I am full of complaints right now! Let's hear something positive, okay? ...I am looking at beautiful roses that my honey brought me. They smell lovely and remind me that even though I might not feel like it, I can be special.

gag

Resisting the urge to go to scary upstairs cafeteria. Have been hearing good reviews lately from A, but still skeptical. I know there was a reason I was protesting!

Recent thoughts:

- when acupuncture/PT is finished, will maybe do yoga instead of kung foo

- whistler over memorial day/skate tour - very fun

- check into frequent flier miles/san diego surf trip

- when IS cory going to stop playing that g-damn postal service?

- want to go skating after work! it's all sunny!

- look up 2, 3-letter words for scrabble

See all the business inside my head right now? And I'm supposed to be working on these images for the dana site. Thank god the sb site's almost done...this pile isn't getting any smaller!

Excited Holly is coming home!

Sucks it rained today. SO glad I went out yesterday w/Gin to Burien & Lakewood. It was nice, both weren't even packed and we got there a little late. That little brat that calls me fart-girl was there. He makes me want to vomit, these kids are so good, so young. I love it. Then at Lakewood it was funny, there was this dad there wearing all pads and a safety vest with "Volunteer Patrol" on the back. He was giving me tips on rolling off the spine. Gotta love it! Then we practiced our ollies next to the car and took off. Though I have no desire to hop curbs and skate street, I love that other people do because of the practice it takes to get that good.

And the little girl wearing her Good Charlotte t-shirt, with boots on.

Had a garage sale yesterday. B made $400 off his snowboard gear, etc. Yay garage sales. Boo to the fish & chips at Pacific Inn. Are they only good with beer? Today is a good day for me to get everything cleaned up, positive side of it being wet & can't skate. I can't believe the unpacking process has taken this long. But it feels good, I love everything about this place! Kinda weird that I live in the same building as Jody. I've never had a friend live in the same building before. Glad she keeps her blinds drawn because I like having mine open. I don't think I could be comfortable in my room unpacking everything if I looked up and saw her looking out her window. Ack.

Want to be huge recluse lately. Too much socialization squashes my mind from roaming.

One question: WHY would you go to an all-skateboarding event, if you don't even skate? Please submit all responses directly to me. I want to know!

MAYDAY, MAYDAY!

Too bad I'm at work today and can't leave flowers on people's doorsteps. That's ok, there aren't really flowers anywhere to pick.

So I am just about all moved in now and it feels So Good!! Very fun place we have now. And a new plan with Mexico: we're going to take a little vacation in October now - fun! It will be a bit of a burden off my back, I can focus on work and not worry about being tight for money. We'll do something superfun for B's birthday still, for sure. Want to have a party! And hopefully now, we can hang out in San Diego for a little weekend. I haven't been there since my 9th birthday. The only reason I remember that is because there was a little bookshop there I got to choose out a book. So I am not too sure what exactly we'd be doing down there, but it would be very fun to find some surf spots and just hang with my sweetie. So fun!

Good updates, we have. Work is a big hairy swamp right now, complete with alligators and wombats coming to get me. A bit of anxiety, and Ali feels the same way. Hope to hear good things about our budget today. Keeping fingers crossed.

Oh, what fun. Liquid, 5150 and Morrow ALL want sites this year, and of course *flash* would be the best method of execution. Why does it feel like work is this big uphill climb? So yay we had a meeting on it and somehow I found myself sitting there, promising to have two comps done by e.o. May. MAY! Ohh, gag. I know they're going to be supereasy, copy sites. I wish I could find a new job that would offer me a bunch of money so I could counter my salary here with something better and realistic. Perhaps this is karma's idea of a funny to play back on me, since I was making absurd amounts of income two years ago, for doing less work. Hmm. Conspiracy.

Different anxiety, the good kind: tomorrow the lease gets signed! Oh fun, what joy! Pity I didn't get to study up on Feng Shui as have been wanting to...hopefully my intuition doesn't fumble the flow of energy too much...

-15 days to go!

Today I can't help it. I just don't feel like being at work! Piled up around me, requests flooding in, it all seems a bit unbearable. Consumption of chocolate in near future I predict. And why can't stupid Cory stop playing his music all loud? Did we all request to please hear ear-ruining, bad headache-causing music? I wasn't involved in the vote.

Ah, Mexico: 17 days away! Eeek! In the meantime I hope to pack and move all belongings over to the new apartment...if good ole' Fran would please call the agency back so our credit applications may be cleared. I hope there isn't any karma attached to those kinds of things. Late rent...landlord doesn't call the agency back for a little whiles...

Monster is swimming laps. I know I need to change his water! He's all agro and mouthy towards me. Makes me sad.

This weekend was fun, seeing Holly. So glad it was warm out! We had a good time, just hanging out and doing stuffs. I miss her, all the way out in Pullman. Kind of glad she's only got a year of skool left (hopefully just that!) but wonder where she'll go after that? It's funny but nice, that our entire family is all close and we don't have to plan big trips to see each other.

Blah, my nose is all stuffed. I wish I could portray the amount of snot in my head through these words I am typing.

Being sick sucks. I love eating but this cold has totally taken away my appetite. Stupid cold.

Fang is tired of living in a little bowl. He thinks he wants a nice big pond to swim in. I don't know what he'd do there, but he says he'd appreciate it all the same. What's the difference between the sayings
"Just the same"
&
"All the same"
? anything?

On the side (le appetizer), I do enjoy spending later evening hours in Barnes & Noble with my honey, exploring books and sipping teas.

Sun outside, sunny inside. So nice and warm today! Mexico is destined for takeoff in one month, starting today! I can't believe it's here already! The days are going to blow by, getting ready for leaving.

Last night I had this dream that I was walking down the halls at Sammamish with this girl I wasn't even friends with, and I saw Craig and Casey. They were all goth! Craig had some stuff in his hair to make it all spikey and he had dyed it black, and he was wearing eyeshadow and a ripped up t-shirt, then some lace-up boots. It wasn't really Craig because he wouldn't have ever dressed like that, but it was funny to see in my dream. Casey was goth too but he just had on this trench coat, which was creepy. His hair wasn't black, which was good because I would have gotten worried.

Now I am hungry. Foods! So glad my lovey boyfriend is getting me a munchie. Mon-chee-chee! Haa.

Well, that sucks.

I was just looking up online to try and find out what effects Turquoise has on Cancers, since it is a Saggitarian stone, and I got to find out that the President's birthday is three days before mine.

Am I doomed, Blog?

Bubbles coming out of my ears, trying to wake up! I need a blast of cold air in my face.

Tonight I get to go see Bowling for Columbine with B & Mark...been wanting to see that for awhile. I have been so much of a recluse lately! I wonder what the moon is doing right now. For awhile I was on the same pattern as the moon - if it was waxing, I had energy. So much of it, I was manic! But if it was waning, I was slow and not full of ideas or motivation. When I am closer to being myself, I don't push my energy I let it be. Perhaps that is why that will happen?

Well, duh. Just looking at my calendar, I see that tonight is a new moon (no moon), and that explains my low energy, want to sleep, and being a hermit! Phew...that is something - following the moon. We're all made of the same elements though so it does make sense that we could pick up on something that is related to us. Also here I found that right before our trip to Mexico, the moon starts waxing so when we're there we'll get a full moon! Last time I was there and it was a full moon, there were parties. People love celebrating the moon! Especially me, because being a Cancer makes me even closer to the moon. I'm a water sign, I can't help it!

So there is my dialogue on the Moon. Yay, moon! On to other topics...Bri moved in here so now my place is Full to the Brim! But it's good. I was just on the phone with my momma telling her about how I feel very much Me with B, and how I haven't ever felt that way with anyone before. But she knows that, and she told me she likes seeing us together because she knows he's good for me. I haven't had any anxiety about him moving in here, but I know I've thought about things from different angles. Does that mean some will come later? Or are we really just that cool? haha, I didn't mean it like that. Really though, I feel comfortable sharing my space with him and don't feel selfish when I need my own.

Toodles, I am going to get ready for the mov-ee. Slumber party tonight!!

[3/18/2003 10:36:11 AM | melissa dion]
Oh Jesus. I can't believe I'm almost Done with this stupid frootybooter site. Just finished up the It'l dealer locator, which had me thinking sort of about our Stupid President. How do we convince other countries to carry our stoopid frootyboots if they hate us? Can I EVER move to Canada? Or maybe when B and I go down south, we'll just STAY in Mexico. That's my latest plan. I could hand in snowboarding in exchange for a seemingly-endless life of "el surf bum". Definitely fathomable.

The past two days, I've gotten great sleep. Still groggy when I wake up, but my new routine of waking up 15 minutes before I Need to really makes a difference on my alertness in the AM.

Fang seems depressed. Can fish do that? I think he's either:
a) tired of his little home in the flower vase
b) sick of having Avril's picture on his home

Both of which I know would irritate me. Maybe...it could be time to take the bratty girl down. Her pouty face can't be anything of help or encouragement to me, now can it?

This month is going by at a much slower pace than February was. I like that! Coming home from work and knowing that I have four hours or so of whatever I want to do ahead of me, I like that! This weekend I hope it's sunny or at least dry so we can go skating. Things have been so lovely with Brian lately. I'm getting excited anticipating his moving in. I'm afraid of feeling cramped, because I already feel like that but he's over and around so much of the time already that I don't think it will be a rough adjustment. Plus, knowing that we'll be getting our *own* place in two months is a good reassurer that I can stay normal, because the light is at the end of our tunnel or whatever you'd think I'm in. I don't feel like I'm in a tunnel!

I wore my old vans today. So of course it rained. This morning was weird, being stuck in an elevator I think is the first time I've ever had an inkling of clausterphobia. Maybe if we couldn't have gotten ahold of anyone, it would have freaked me out after awhile? The whole time I was feeling hot and thinking about how I forgot to put on deodorant this morning. Funny, that was my worry. It would have sucked if we weren't on the bottom floor, if none of our cellphones worked, etc. But they did. A little 25-minute escapade of sorts, then off to work. Glad we made it, I don't like coming in late.

So that's my thoughts of the day. I feel dried up of thoughts. Want to finish my art projects!

When's the next ferry>>?

Oh Jesus. I can't believe I'm almost Done with this stupid frootybooter site. Just finished up the It'l dealer locator, which had me thinking sort of about our Stupid President. How do we convince other countries to carry our stoopid frootyboots if they hate us? Can I EVER move to Canada? Or maybe when B and I go down south, we'll just STAY in Mexico. That's my latest plan. I could hand in snowboarding in exchange for a seemingly-endless life of "el surf bum". Definitely fathomable.

The past two days, I've gotten great sleep. Still groggy when I wake up, but my new routine of waking up 15 minutes before I Need to really makes a difference on my alertness in the AM.

Fang seems depressed. Can fish do that? I think he's either:
a) tired of his little home in the flower vase
b) sick of having Avril's picture on his home

Both of which I know would irritate me. Maybe...it could be time to take the bratty girl down. Her pouty face can't be anything of help or encouragement to me, now can it?

This month is going by at a much slower pace than February was. I like that! Coming home from work and knowing that I have four hours or so of whatever I want to do ahead of me, I like that! This weekend I hope it's sunny or at least dry so we can go skating. Things have been so lovely with Brian lately. I'm getting excited anticipating his moving in. I'm afraid of feeling cramped, because I already feel like that but he's over and around so much of the time already that I don't think it will be a rough adjustment. Plus, knowing that we'll be getting our *own* place in two months is a good reassurer that I can stay normal, because the light is at the end of our tunnel or whatever you'd think I'm in. I don't feel like I'm in a tunnel!

I wore my old vans today. So of course it rained. This morning was weird, being stuck in an elevator I think is the first time I've ever had an inkling of clausterphobia. Maybe if we couldn't have gotten ahold of anyone, it would have freaked me out after awhile? The whole time I was feeling hot and thinking about how I forgot to put on deodorant this morning. Funny, that was my worry. It would have sucked if we weren't on the bottom floor, if none of our cellphones worked, etc. But they did. A little 25-minute escapade of sorts, then off to work. Glad we made it, I don't like coming in late.

So that's my thoughts of the day. I feel dried up of thoughts. Want to finish my art projects!

When's the next ferry>>?

Sunshine in my window, makes me smiley. Begonia peering through slanted eyes, trying to find where that noise is coming from.

Chocolate melting in mouth with tastebuds eagerly moving in for more. Song on the radio, voice I never will know but speaks in the same language.

It's hard to convey an emotion or thought to someone about something you experience without saying "i, me, myself." It's like a game, to write about things I think or see or feel, but not use those words in the sentence.

Yaay! Think process is nearing the end for the day. It didn't take me as long as I thought it might, but I just learned a whole bunch about forms and submitting data to the SQL database, and generating automatic emails. Prolly sounds like a lot of nerd garble, but it was fun. Today was a good day! I snuggled my honeypie before taking a nice shower, had a relaxing morning and fun lunch eating with B and Sparky. I never had yummy salad at a restaurant like that before! But you know what I sort of noticed? This is probably just me being a snob because I am one, but I think the better foods I make for myself, the less impressed I am with dishes at restaurants. Example: fish, for me, is hard to cook. So any fish I order, is better than I could do. But if you take that tuna salad I had, though it was very good, I could easily make it exactly like they did. Maybe even better.

See? That's being a snob, right?

The fog is thick. It is blowing past my window like I am in an airplane, up on my 10th floor. Birds flying don't know which way is up, I can't even see to the freeway myself. When I look out the window, it is haunting like a ghost to not be able to see that far. How far out/up/around does this white extend? I feel trapped in a bubble, not readily comforted by what I usually take as a mystery, the fog. Not that it helps, having my honey so far away. The tv is yapping, I am sick of CNN. Hearing about the precautions, that "security is being beefed up to 100%" doesn't help - I just want it all to stop. End, you bad thoughts of what Bush is persevering.

I want my honey home, because I miss him and because I am afraid of the east coast right now. I don't feel secure, sitting in my fog. I can't call him if I hear anything, or want to say HI YOU. He is working, he is in a different time zone, and talking over the phone doesn't really make it all better.

I don't like the missing part of this.

Ol' Dirty Bastard, cracks me up!

And now, I get to build out the rollk2 site........F R O O T Y B O O T S!! Ah, yes. Surely the highlight of my career!

b l o g t i m e ! !
Hola, blog. Here I am, once again I find myself sitting at my workdesk with all this WORK to be done. It's not that hard today. This past weekend was a five-star fiasco. Smiles from all around, laughter resonates in my ears. We started off Friday night, B & I picked up Marcy and headed east through Blewett pass to reach destination: Wenatchee. (fioncee Matty checked in an hour ahead of us, scoping out hotel prices) That night was pretty chill. Drank a little, but went to bed early in anticipation of blue skies and good snow. When we woke up, it wasn't hard to get motivated to be up & at'tem because on the other side of the curtains, was bright sunshine!

Though it did take a good hour or so to heat up the crunchy topcrunch, we were soon blessed with sunny trails around every bend. I had never been to Mission before, and this was the perfect way to sell me on it. Speedily gliding through cornsnow, I fell instantly in love with the terrain and scenery. Having this be probably the best riding day to date, the four of us rode for a good six-and-a-half hours. I wasn't exhausted at all - I had a few more hours in me, indeed. But the sun did fall behind the hills, woe is us!

On the way home, B called up Mark to get him riled up and it was pretty much a done deal, we had Mark plus Jody on the way for a Saturday night shindig! From that point on, I have vague memory - yet it is fluid like water. Thai food was the buzz of the night, we found "the Thai" restaurant to gorge our faces out with dishes like Cashew nut chicken and Gang Gree. Funny! My guess was that we couldn't possibly find suitable Thai food in Wenatchee, me being a food snob and all; but there we were whooping up a storm and keeping the good times rolling with some de-lish-us foods in front of us. From there we made a pretty large attempt at bowling, until it was realized that the bowling alley had about 9 lanes and every man, son, and brother had already booked all the lanes for the night. (really, what were we thinking -- arriving at 10pm, trying to claim a lane?)

Through no fault other than our own, we flocked to a restaurant six blocks away from the hotel and settled in to the karaoke lounge. Although I really can't say Jody & myself "settled". With such Rad tunes blasting, I was dancing up a storm with Jody by my side. At this point, the detailing stops. All that is important, is that the whole weekend I had a lovely flow of good feelings running through me - I didn't want it to stop!

...I just have a harder time getting up in the morning, when it's overcast or foggy. I'm the kind of person who likes the sun!

Yarrr...captain longbeard here. We're opening the hatchets, throwing the kitty out the window and leaving garbage on our neighbor's stoop. Yarrr.....!

All kitty wants is Attention! Look at me, I have work to do and my mind is sucking on code right now. MMm, that feels like soup. So the kitty will sit on my lap, occasionally putting a paw up on my keyboard. She likes to know that she is numero uno in whatever might be going on with me at the moment. For her benefit, I have moved her throne so she may lounge freely right next to me. Eyes glued on fingers of mine typing, she is in wonder of all I do. Or maybe that's just my side of that story.

This weekend I am so looking forward to! For a fleeting moment there was thought of heading north to the great land of the W-B (read: sooperpipe!). But that was just a play. Tonight, we head east to another great land, this time the one of Mission Ridge. A new adventure - my favorite! There will be friends there, some foods to eat, beers to be a-drunk....And of course the good times! What a life I live. Nothing is more satisfying than being happy and content with what you have in your life. I am going to try to complain less. I KNOW! It's been a habit since forever, probably since before I was born, I had a different opinion. Let's try to lighten the mental load and venture into the - I don't know what to call it. Venture into the place in my mind where I am in the Now? Hm. Guess I should need to think about that one. But I am going to make that effort. One shitty thing about that, is I will be the only one who can note my defeats or conquerings. As you heard, I am not saying I will cut them out completely. More like, watch how often negative things spew out. Let them stay in me, some. This is something so one-sided. Many arguments, objections, exceptions come up even as I type this.

So, let's change the subject! I have made an announcement, so let's just see where it goes, ok?

I am going to go make some yummy eggs and eat avocado on toast. Cheers, Blog!

I know it's coming - the rush of work that will consume me like I wish for; but until then, I will sit cozy and refreshen my Flash abilities and search for code I need to build new things.

And I LovE listening to Coldplay - song about Green Eyes is so beautiful, like the times in highschool when I would hear Radiohead and think all sorts of thoughts at once, thinking how pure and real and sure I was about standing on my own, about loving. Good music makes my day, it makes any day. The soundtrack to my life...

Cause I came here with a load, and it feels so much lighter, since I met you. Honey you should know, that I could never go.on.without you.

I love this year more than any time in my life, and it's still just getting started. How great is that? Great!!

I have the most supportive boyfriend, ever. For all the times that I've heard about people being happy in relationships and wondered what it would feel like to want to just Be with someone when I was younger; now I know. My heart is content, it leaps in joy and laughter when I am with my honey. It's true! I can't get enough peeks of us in pictures together and feeling warm fuzzies when he smiles at me like so. And the future is so Bright! I love to think of us taking trips - around the world and even just out to the coast. There is nowhere that I would want to travel without him. Another thing, that I always wanted to find but had never put a face on who I would do it with until now, is going shopping at places to buy paint for the walls in our house, or to buy some matching glasses for the kitchen. I want to buy a house together - do you know that although secretly I have always wished to do that, I was doubting it would happen? Not that someone wouldn't want to, but more like I wouldn't want to with them. Us finding each other, I think, is pure wonderful luck. Or something close to that...hard to describe. Very special and I feel so lucky to be at the right time and feel so right about him and us.

There are things that I get frustrated with inside myself. I don't understand why he says there aren't things about me that bother him. How?? I know that he loves me, but I don't think that that is the reason for him saying that. Now, I don't think that for things to bother him, that he wants to change me - but those things would be OK, too. Am I scary to approach? God, I just realized I don't think I've been this open about my personal relationships Ever, and especially online too. Are you reading this? Do you feel like you're snooping. Ok, fine. Don't stop reading then. See if I care! Ha.

So, what I was saying is that I don't know if I'm that intimidating to approach because I am so harsh, or if there really is nothing. Why can't there be something that he wished I do less, or changed the way I do it? I can't be perfect. I'm not. I don't give him all the love he neeeds. He likes things like snuggling, and sweet things being said. I am guilty of not giving those things enough. It makes me sad inside. Was it something about how my parents brought me up? Why do I feel de-tuned? I am going to see a counselor next week, voluntarily, and think it will be good. I want to make a list of things I want to talk about, and make some goals. Those, I think, I want to define after I start seeing her (like the first day, maybe) so that I can see what it is that is most important, or what I'd want to focus on.

I want to be able to quit my job. So I can have all the time in the world to lounge about and eat truffles, watch Invader Zim and snuggle my honey. Though my work is very satisfying, I like the interaction with people and my yearning for learning is on the Up here - I never feel like I have enough Time to show B how special he is to me. I wish that we could travel the world, endlessly, covering trails and paved roads, wandering through towering, ancient buildings...watching the world grow around us. With only the two of us, in turn, each sending love to the other's heart. My soul is in love, I cannot type this color that is flowing through me. I cannot verbalize, form words out of these thoughts.

What it boils down to is this: sometimes I wish my mind was a big screen so you could see the little electrons bumping off each other in there, where my thoughts are going after they are created and how they were birthed. Then I wouldn't have to explain myself.

None of this is making sense right now. Right now I am tired, I don't want to work. I want to go home and snuggle with my Lovey and not have to talk. I want us to communicate on a thought-level. I can't think right now. This is all yammering. Maybe I am big WAH right now? Nah, I don't know what I would be for. Except I reeeeeally want a foods. Don't know what kind. I think I will try to read this new sequel table. *FUN*!! haha.

I just had the strangest sensation run swiftly through my brain.

I'm very much looking forward to yoga tonight. It's something that I have been wanting to try, and hopefully take up, for some years. Tonight should be fun because there is a group of us going (B included!) and I feel more at ease, less self-conscious when I'm not alone. At least with new things. So, I was thinking about what it might be like, how great it's going to feel, etc. and my head is just feeling very good this week. Tempermentally, I have been on the UP. Not much bogging me down or running me in emotional circles. What I start thinking is, wow - wouldn't it be nice to be this laid back and thoughtless more often? I had visions of myself going to a counselor and keeping up with yoga and kung fu - and it hit me. I'm not looking for a Thing that will release me. This IS me. Not that I haven't realized this before, or tried to deny it. But when I get the remembrance, the solid rush of something so...Human...rushing through me, I can't just brush it away.

Nothing seems to hold my short attention span, in terms of activities. People do, long-term plans do. But part of me just keeps seeking the next level of accomplishment, the thing that will cure me of my emotions that get tangled, get into arguments with each other and cause me to Feel. My real goal is to just enjoy life - I love so much of Me and everything that I have been blessed with. It's true - I have so much good in my life, it's disgusting to hear me ever complain. But my brain! It doesn't like to feel the things that go through me, and I never seem to have reins on them. So I plod on through life, having my times. It's good.

Needless to say, I am looking forward to yoga tonight. If it's something we enjoy, it would be nice to go regularly with B. I'm going to keep going with my day - that feeling I just described, it went through me in about 30 seconds and I think it has taken me ten minutes to type it out.

Something very strange is happening. Last night I had a dream that I was at a Mary Lou Lord concert, because she had a new album out. She sounded different, like teen pop or something. She was dressed in pink taffeta shirt with sparkly butterflies on it and black fishnet stockings. Nothing that I would actually expect to see her in, but that's what she was wearing. In real life, I actually have one of her albums. Maybe the only one she did? But John just played "speedy motorcycle" - by yo La Tengo but Mary Lou Lord sang that on her album and it was like part of my dream was being played again in my mind, hearing that. Spooky.

In other news, I'm excited it's Friday because that means adventures are abound for the weekend! What will we dream up to do - and what will actually happen? Satellite shows precipitation coming our way - sooner than we had expected, as well. Sounds good to me! But if it doesn't snow I hope to do some skatebording and lounging, having good company.

Ah, what a breath of fresh air it was to ride my bike home this morning. Wasn't aware it was 33 degrees out! So I'm awake now. Where should Holli and I go to eat?

Harrooow! And welcome to the new year. I'm back at work, and it's sort of hard to keep my mind on task because I keep thinking of things I want to do when I move into a house. Gardening, cooking, furniture I can buy. Not like I have money to do that now, or should be looking at where to live. Places don't seem to stay on the market for too long here, for rentals at least. And I really hope to move into a house. Or something with more of a yard than I had in Ballardo.

Well, not much to talk about because there is a sueper extreme lack of snow. It's all sheet-ice up there and not too much fun as we found out on Monday. This weekend we were expecting to make it up to Mission and finally use our passes, but forget that. It hasn't snowed and even though the freezing level is going back down, there ain't no precip expected for the next 4 days, at least. I'm hoping to go up to Orcas and ride there or maybe PDX and Newburg. Something! Skating was so so fun last weekend - why do I dork and forget to go out & skate when it's dry? Durr...

Ok here comes an experiment:
My work now has a cafeteria. Today will be my first time, ever, to eat at the "new" cafeteria. Report soon to follow....

How nice it was this morning to go out on a bikeride! The fog was crawling through everywhere, everything was illuminated by glow of steam and sun.

And my honey love comes home today. How long the time was, and how slow it went but yet today here he comes! I think it would have been easier for me, if I didn't feel so sick and out of it all week. I have all these aspirations but can't get them started. Like a lawn mower who doesn't feel like starting on the first or even the second pull of the wire. I keep sitting and dreaming out my window, placing myself as a leaf on the tree across the road. Wanting to not wake up from my thick dreams, waving in the crisp cold breeze. But here I am still. I always am. I need to do things, my dreams I can live in them with no thinking. I can spend a week in my head, just pacing around or dancing alone with the butterflies that are so large and their wings are translucent purples, oranges, bright red and I can touch them. They don't have feet on the ground, but fly and drift around me. I can hear them breathing, but it sounds more like a song or birds than like we breathe.

I haven't written in quite some time...almost a month. I just heard this song on the radio and wanted to get it up here. I don't actually Like the Flaming Lips. Never cared for them. This song I didn't even really like, aside from the lyrics and the singer's voice.

Do you realize
That you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize
We're floating in space?
Do you realize
That happiness makes you cry?
Do you realize
That everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your good-byes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Isn't that beautiful? Maybe you have to actually Hear it? I wrote down the lyrics and then looked them up online to make sure I got them right. Now Juno's on. Yaayyy. My cube stinks like fucken burnt popcorn because I can't seem to EVER cook popcorn in a microwave corretly. Weird, eh? I should go back to workworkwork. It's going really good now, I love that I can sit here undisturbed and just plod away. So good. Will be Radical to get outta town for four days! Oooh, I can't wait! I'll be sure to write about it when I get back...good times, for sure.

You know what's my new peeve? It is fucking cold out, but it's not raining. I can't skate after werk because the fucken sun has gone down. I don't have a car so it's not convenient to go to rain schitty. If it were wet & snowy, I could snowboard. If it were summertime, I could skate. BUT ITS NOT EITHER. Fuck this shite. I have my board at work but I'm too not-caught-up to leave and go skate for lunch. When I transfer out of Ride, and I have more freedom with my schedule, I'd like to go play on the wooden ramps like twice a week, at least. That would be such a nice break from work!

It's Halloween. Can we say big fat wheee? I like bats and devils and evil little crawly creatures, but I hate costumes. I have always sucked at thinking of "what to be" so I decided awhile ago to fuk that. Much happier now. I gotta get my shit together for tomorrow so I can go eat dinner and go get beers. I don't wanna watch tv tonight or go to bed early. (ok, too early?). I don't know what I want.

Kung fu was fun tonight. I am starting to feel stronger with my stances and blocks. Kicking is still not my strength, but it's fun. It feels weird, so many of the things we do with our bodies that aren't natural, but give an inner power somehow. Aaaah I can't write anymore I need to go eat and drink and be merry.

Ahh, total relaxation sets in. Mind is free and wandering...exploring thoughts that are usually supressed. Not the kind of supression that is because of the fear behind the thought of emancipating, but the holding back of thoughts because I don't want to give them a half-ass effort. I love travelling through my mind. The things coming up, for this winter, are getting me all bright and poppy inside. I love winter because *snowboard*, and I love exploration. Going to new mountains, or ones I don't know that well, excite me. Although I will always love Alpental and Whistler and Stevens, I tire of going there when it is a mediocre day. But if I'm somewhere new, with so much terrain and turns and trees to explore, I can have fun on a groomer day.

Ah, the whine..OF COURSE I can have fun any day! I have fun in the rain. I have fun on ice (sometimes. now, that is a whiney situation.) I get worried of my weekends filling up because I like to be free for other things that come up like, spur-of-the-moment sort of things. Like, hey it dumped and we're all taking off in the morning. Oh man I'm all jittery just thinking about how bad I want it to snow!!

And sooo tired tonight. It's 9:24 and I could just pass the F out. Think I will. It feels good to not have a pile of things on my mind. This week has been a good one, I feel like I'm on a nice smooth road with large windows that take in the scenery and I have a mind that is not clogged so communication inside myself and to the outside world is easier. Sometimes I feel all flustered with just trying to understand my self and why my brain is even in me at all, and then I have to turn around and do things like interact with others. Weird.

And I feel so happy about Brian. For what seemed to me like a long time, I was dating guys and not finding something that felt solid. I was fluttering around and not even thinking that I was coming close to what I needed. I like the feeling of security. I really think that it helps me stabilize something inside me. I wonder if that has to do with how I was brought up? Or how I was with friends growing up? Because everyone is different, some people like to be single and don't worry about dating. Some people like dating, but know they are fine on their own and don't sweat it either way. And then some people don't feel good unless they are with someone. Of Course there are many other ways people can be. Those are just my main categories I go by in distinguishing how people deal. I think that I am comfortable with being in a good, healthy, loving relationship and like my sense of standing on my own and still being myself. In the past I have thrown myself into someone, and died inside as a result. The feeling I get with him, about us - it sends my emotions reeling into all sorts of fun and bright colors and things that conjur up laughter, smiles. It's warm hugs and positive reinforcement. I love it so much, I can honestly say that it is something completely new for me. I am just So Very Happy inside that I feel ready. I am ready, and am excited for what's in my future. I don't dread learning about him, for fear of finding out he's a freak or has issues.

Now I go to bed. Warm soft blankets and lots of pillows and my kitty on my chest, murmuring loves and purrs and drooling on me out of sheer joy. Night.

Fog is crawling on hands and knees, like a toddler around the buildings outside my window. Thick as swamp mud, it creates new visions of the tall silent giants. Full of mornings; coffee smells and tired eyes, hangovers and chatterboxes trying to get used to today. Buildings in this city are sometimes beautiful art but other times ugly expressionless blocks of cement and windows, only serving their purpose to have elevators and rooms. In this mysterious fog however, they are looking at each other through slanted eyes. Not on alert, but seeing like we do. They are free to expression because they are not so much on display as usual, they are not visibile the whole way around and therefore can breathe. People can't see this. People go about in their cars, finding their parking lots and doorways to life. The buildings stand above them, for a few hours - or at least until the fog lifts - they can emminate feeling into the moist air. Whatever they choose. Older ones push confusion and mis-sights into people's eyes. Younger, more attractive buildings breathe dreams into lovers reach, the fog has no limits. They are no longer part of the scene, but helping create it.

But this Fog, it prevents sight. I cannot tell if the sun is rising, or blaring above my head. Gray is changing the colors of everything to just drab. Trees are still sleeping, the birds don't know to wake them up yet. Preventing my view past the freeway outside my apartment, I cannot see the lake and the hill or even the Space Needle. It appears I am on an island where I-5 is the border. The businesses in the big buildings aren't worried about their reports or meetings - their only concern as of 8am is making it through the fog. Don't get eaten by the drab, stay alive! In this weather it is easy to get sucked into bed; warm covers and sweet soft light lulling you back to sleep.

It's lovely creativity floating through me, with the fog in my eyes. I can see only four blocks away in every direction and I love the feeling of cold, expect the feeling of unstability outside because this town wants normalcy. The weather her is anything but. People complain when it's not sunny - or sunny but not warm. Not all of them; some revel in the changes and it gives them energy. People like me, who welcome the seasons and tire of the warmth, the too much sunny days and not enough rainstorms, lightening, and snow in the mountains.

Tired today. Been tired for awhile. What's the reason? Sometimes I think I'm overwhelmed, but really I should be handling me ok. Maybe I just think I'm used to the work I do but really I'm still adjusting. Whatever the reason, energy levels have been kinda down.

Other than that, things are good. Having fun at work, keeping stress down as much as I can. Been hanging out with Brian all the time and having a great time. Too tired to write about it much now, but hip-happy inside. Like the things we go do, like to make plans and love waking up next to him every morning. So cozy. So lovey. It's pretty much like, whatever we have planned is fun. So I don't dread anything, I don't wish things like "aww, I kinda wanna stay home" or stuff like that. It's good.

Need to go work now...want to take a nap. Zzzz. Begonia wants to play. I love my kitty. She's so well-mannered, and I know she hates it that I work. From the second I come home to whenever I leave, she's right there. It's probably because we live up on the tenth floor, so she doesn't really have much else going on, but she still likes to hang out by my side. When we live in a house or somewhere she can go exploring or hunting outside, she's a little more picky on when we can hang out. I'm sad she can't go hunting. I want the next place I live in to have somewhere for Begonia to go outside, even if it's just a deck. I'm so picky for my little picky girl.

Today started off so weird. I woke up and stumbled out of the bed, out of the warm covers and soft pillows; into the hot shower and my dreams still floating by my eyes. It was the haziest I've ever been for so long after waking up. I didn't feel like talking because I felt like everything was dripping through seratonin running through my thoughts. Does that make sense? Nothing really made sense until about 10:20am. It wasn't like I was going to pass out and I wasn't even all that tired, more just trying to grab my thoughts out of the air and think again. Different than hangovers that are void of comprehension - more like seeing dreams and hearing my thoughts without consciously doing so.

And then today dragged on. Tonight is nice, watching the sunset and wondering where B is. Gin and I talked about doing kung-fu so that would be fun! I'm all relaxed and feeling good after eating yummy swimming rama. Mmmm, rama-riffic!

I love the Wilco album that I absolutely had to buy with Brian, after we saw their documentary. If you haven't heard the album or seen the movie, do both. Soon. I can listen to it over and over and over and I'm listening to it right Now, ha! Just got back from a Guttermouth show...it was pretty fun. Today was Friday, I had a doctor's appointment after work and immediately after that I came home and started deep-cleaning of The Kitchen. No reason, except that it has really been getting to me that our apartment wasn't cleaned before we moved in. That would usually fully gross me out except that we know our landlord, so it made it less gross. I cleaned out the cabinets, washed all the cupboard doors, etc. In the midst of it all, in my pj's at 7pm (I was cruizin'), my boss calls me to say she has an extra ticket to the show. So I figure what the hell, and go. Didn't need to but whatever. Now I'm home, listening to music that makes me think of Brian, and wishing we could cuddle on the couch.

Instead, I get Melissa time and I feel completely at ease. Tomorrow after skating I hope to get the base of that canvas done. Jackie Chan gave me this hugemongous canvas that was abandoned at her building. Vast amounts of space to be covered, more than I have ever tackled. I'm into details, and that thing is so big I can only hope for beautiful shapes and color combinations. I'm sure it will be along the lines of what I usually do...I'm pretty comfortable with my style and for some time have been too hard on myself to stray from that.

Distance has a way of making Love understandable -
My mind is filled with silvery stars - Honey kisses clouds of love...

I have been in the best mood and don't want to stop. I wish my mind would slow from 100 frames per second to like 20. Imagination stirring like thick taffy, colors blending but slowly and changing into different textures - like something out of Willy Wonka's factory. I can taste the happiness, see the visions of the future so bright I can't help but smile and let it fill me entirely. I have met someone who meets all nine of my needs. Yes, I have a list. Over the years since I was 17, I've kept a list of what I need and what I want from someone. It has come down to these nine things, which if requested I will post but surely I don't need to. Do you know what this means for me? Heart strings being pulled, stars singing to me from the sky and the best thing is my mind feels at ease. I love it. Love love love, you - me.

a diamond at the bottom of a puddle
did you ever stare at the moon - 'til you saw double?
i hear you walk away from trouble.
good love, there ain't no denyin'
bad love - somebody ain't trying...
did you ever walk someplace, just to take time?
or take the fast road & get going
and then the rules break - there's no mistake
these are the precious times

I know I've been told he's cheesey but I LIKE evan dando. There I said it - right out loud in my blog.

we got mountains, we got peaches
we got love that makes us mad, love that has to teach us...
i looked in a fryin' pan, sang a song
i looked at a dying man - he sang along.

So sue me. I like punk, I like rock. But I also like the emotions brought out from words put together that draw more images than just wanting to move your body and feel the noise. I like to want to be somewhere else, to drift off to memories and be reminded of things I pushed down. The things that I don't bring to my own attention.

Me, again. Me losing my mind while eating spaghetti, in awe of my life right now. It was such a short time ago that I felt down about myself, in so many ways. Tired of me, tired of the same cycles coming around but not sure of how to put on the brakes. I don't usually write about such personal topics, but this guy I met is absolutely the best. The feelings I've been having for the past couple weeks...it just blows me away. To feel like trusting again, to want the closeness I was scared of opening myself up to. So comfortable, and so easy to slip into dreams of moving forward. The future is open, never certain but with a positive mindframe I know that anything is possible. Seriously, I can't remember the last time I was so excited about what's going to happen next. I've been sleeping like a rock, I've been motivated to get out more and stop treating my body, my self - like shit. It's absolutely awesome.

Do I sound sappy enough? Well, it's true and I'm not afraid to talk about it. I won't pretend like I'm not feeling on top of the world. Hah!

And more good things - I found out that I got the position at work I've been wanting. (shhh! It's a secret!!) So I'm excited to move out of poo-dung position and finally have some responsibility, something better to do than sit at my desk and think of everywhere else I'd rather be at the moment...

Cheers!

Hello Blog. What's new with you? It looks like you've been avoiding me because you are preoccupied with someone else - is this rumour true?

What if I talked like that to my blog? What if my blog came to life and talked back? Would we all be on acid or would it be the final free-ing of all things inanimate...The things I ponder at work. Another inquiry: when am I winning the lottery, damit! It would be so nice to not be stuck in this rut anymore. God please grant me the patience it will take to fill in this hole I've dug.

I totally can't concentrate. Think I need some center of axis, the spinning is slow but it still isn't enough for me to pass by these windows, catching glimpses of things I want to touch and feel and experience before -woosh- they're turning around again and all I can do is watch as they leave and put in a hope to see them again. When did my mind start this random warbling? As far as I can remember, things occupy my mind-space. Dreams so vivid I can bring them to life, aspirations that have either passed or are still being expected - and somehow they remain on my list of things to do, unaccomplished. Too much? My drive is there, I like to do so much. But is there a need for finishing it all? I sometimes do, and sometimes don't - hope that I'll knock some of the things off my list. But what would I leave? Time outdoors? Energy spent on drawing? Brain cells generating the random nothings that sometimes build into somethings? Ah, I can't decide. But that's the best part - I don't have to!

Please remove your seatbelt and move about the cabin. Your captain has now decided to completely fuck off today and enter the world of make-believe. Auto-pilot has been advised.

Goddamnit work is killing me right now. I fucking had to leave a conference call meeting thing today so that I could go puke. I am SO over puking. I can't wait to get the fuck out of Dodge this weekend and let my mind have a break. Why was I cursed with such a shitty hangover? I didn't drink that much, I went to bed okay...Damit.

I want candy and I can't find any and I am Big Wah who wants to go home. I think I will....

Right now I am floating through life. Not much aim, little fuel left to push me along. Easily swayed by emotion and tired of thinking every little thought that enters my mind.

It's too hard to wonder how I went from ten years ago to now - and how the pieces fit together but yet I still hate myself sometimes and I still feel like I have so much potential sometimes, too. I don't like hating myself. Waking up and seeing someone I'm tired of looking at, living in the same place with the same brain talking me through my every move. It could be poetry, it could be beautiful but right now it's all cobwebs that are stuck to each other. I can't clean them off, I can't chase away the hauntings of thoughts that pollute my blue skies. It would be easy to slip away and not exist somehow; but even when I think about that I think about what it would be like when I come back and what the hell would I tell people? That I moved to Europe? Surely they would ask me how it was - and I can't lie. I can't pretend I've been to a whole continent when I barely know what's outside of where I am now. My comfort zones are cramped but I can't branch out of my own window.

Sometimes I think I'll draw, or write poetry. But it's too much effort. And I can't expect someone else to reach out a hand to pull me out. This story is all about me, this time I spend is how I choose to. Looking around I have things that I want, things that I like. I have friends to call that would love to hear from me and go out for a bit. But -

Oh shit there's so much going on in my fucking head. I don't want to die, I want to fucking be over with these feelings. I want to rise up above this and do some things. Motivation, where did you go? It's easy when I'm at work, the people I work with are great and it's easy to focus on - duh - work. But I come home and want to go out so bad but I end up with nothing when that happens.

I'm rambling. Wish I could count the times that happens. I should change this to "melissa's random ramblings."

i wish that you would move to the sun
cause you're like diggin' holes in thin air
and we know that can't be done
i wish that you would cheat with someone
cause you're like diggin holes in water
and we know that can't be done
bravery and stupidity go hand in hand
i guess that makes me the bravest man
i was quick to learn but slow to understand
well, what can you do
my theories are borrowed from somewhere else
and i never had too many to talk about
but you were real quick, you were quick to point out
well, that was borrowed too

Fuck people who aren't honest. With others and with themselves. It's just too fucked up that someone can be selfish enough to not see the people they are seeing as real people with feelings and have cares and the ability to love.

you need a permit if you're gonna build shit
and you can't get one so nothing gets built
and your house is standing on a foot and a half of silt

I hate alcohol and I hate drinking. I like drinking, alcohol hates me. One or the other. Sometimes both. My friend, I need a new group of people to hang out with. Good morals, fun-loving, down to earth kind of people. It's not that I don't have friends, but I need to unsubscribe myself from a whole bunch of them. Tired of feeling like shit, tired of going nowhere. Need positive thinking and the like.

Very hungry, very much want dragonfish. Where's Yang? Please send ESP message to ms.Yang requesting arrival at house so we can Eat Sushi in mass quantities. Mmmmm Yum! Tired need food can't write must generate brain cells soon. lates.

What a week. Catching the 6:55 all week Sucks and I came home last night and, in the middle of a phone conversation, had to excuse myself because I was literally having a nap-attack. Passed out face down on the couch for almost three hours. But last night was great! My friend Casey's band (other than Pedro) - Seldom - played at the Paradox along with some other good bands. I was expecting to just see like, Yuuki (since he's in the band) and maybe Mike (since...he said he would be there). Usually at their shows, I'm in the corner hanging out and talking to myself. But my buddy from work came with, which could have been weird because I don't think he really listens to emo - plus the situation fast turned me into miss social-butterfly. Mark and Craig showed up which was just awesome! My head was spinning from downing some beer too fast next door, so I stumble out of the bar to find my friends from highschool there and I was just flabbergasted. Ecstatic. Stoked! The only thing I could do was revert to blabbering idiot mode and laugh until I had tears coming out of my eyes from all the stories and shit-talking going on. It was great. I forgot how good we all are at making fun of each other. It was strange because they're all into smoking pot now and I don't really do that much, but they don't drink as much as me; there's just something different about the mindstate you're in when you're stoned vs. drunk - and all the stipulations that come with both.

The show was good...I like going to Casey's shows but not all too often because to me, a lot of their songs sound the same. After the show was out, it took me like a half-hour to say my goodbyes, then J and I rolled out to Jack's to meet up with my boss and her friends. Lord help me, I had three whiskey-cokes. Did NOT need to do that, my head kinda feels like rocks. Since returning from "detox" (melissa style), I've been trying to keep my drinking under control. I think I did pretty well last night although at some point I noticed how I yap yap yap and don't shut up. I hope I don't sound too stupid when I go into auto-pilot like that. If I can get through today without throwing up from drinking too much, or at least not go out - - oh what am I talking about!! Since 11am I've wanted to get bloody mary's at Linda's and that's totally what I'm about to do when I get done with this. Bloody Marys are one of the best cures for any level hangover, at least for me.

Have finished what I need to do all weekend and am trying to find someone to go surf with tomorrow but I really doubt that's going to happen. I don't feel like heading out solo, but need to go before it gets too cold. Would be nice to make it up to La Push soon.

Time for a BM (ha, ha. Not a bowel movement you retard!) - Linda's here I come!

Since last time:
Mexico (most recent)
Still drinking (but not as much - quantity)
Uhhh....

Mexico: Got a free trip to Mexico with one catch: watch a 15-year-old party her ass of while you're down there (no parents). Yeah, it was fun. But yeah, I remembered why I don't want to have kids yet. Whew. I re-lived the days of not knowing how to drink slowly, what puking uncontrollably is like, and not knowing (some)what of what goes on in a man's head. Through the eyes of this girl. Oh lord, on our last day she did 15 shots of tequila. Someone just mentioned tequila the other day at work and I swear I gagged and had to put on my headphones to block out the thought of the billiards hall with their 5 peso shots. EW!

Still drinking: Is this really news? Up until leaving the country, I was on a rage. Woooo! Beer all the freakin' time! Well, not anymore. Since I had to play "parent" (yeah right) for a week, I had a nice detox session. Yeah, I still drank a little but I swear I didn't go very far past the initial buzz. So now I am on day 3 of being back and not concerned in the slightest that happy hour is underway without me.

I skated today. Something that sucks, at least for me, is that when I drink so much I am consumed by it. I forget to head right out of the ferry line after work and go straight to the bars. Instead of spending time feeling good, being active and having fun with friends outside, I choose to hang out at a bar (which might be outside, but still sitting down) and eat cigarettes and drown my liver all night. Wake up and repeat until dead in the face.

So I'm feeling pretty damn good. Being more alert and productive at work which is Good because the Busy Season will be upon us so soon! I'm almost scared of it. Frightened of the thought that - gasp! - I might have to snowboard on the weekends like a Normal Person! Aaaahhh! There is a chance of working four 10's but I can't start thinking that now or I'll have a mental breakdown when it doesn't happen.

Completely forgot about my 100-things list. Started it but it's sitting in a book at my work, I think I'm on like 38 or something. It will get done. It's actually fun because it forces me to think about things that I don't usually relate to ME. Things I push out of my mind, used to be proud of, or happened so long ago I've written them off as someone else's doings. So, it will be an entertaining time for all when I get it up.

I really super bad need to do laundry. You are very happy to be sitting somewhere besides right next to me right now. Adios.

I would really like to have some pictures of toy robots. Digital, for my website. Dunno why, just sounds like something fun to play with. Play with? They're not tangible if they're only on your computer! Yeah...I know.

So I just saw on a couple people's blogs a list of 100 things about them. Since I'm grounded today I think I'll start one and see how far I get. I think I need to order a pizza. MMMmmmm. Food is good. Right now I think I need to just concentrate on generating brain cells. Maaah! Yesterday was a ton 'o fun. I was too shaky (why?) to skate much, but I had fun. I can't believe that the Bainbridge ferry is cheaper than Vashon! I'm calling bullshit on that. I rolled in on pool coping, which was totally not scary. I wonder why I don't drop in? It's like I'm waiting for someone to do it for me, but that's not possible.

It's so cold in here I'm shivering. Yay for August in Seattle! I go order food to be delivered now. Hope that I can finish my 100-things list.

Day 2:
I'm doing great! Went to bed at 11 last night, which was fabulous. All day I did so much and didn't need to take five smoke breaks...

Tonight I hope to change the layout of my website. Think I'll order a pizza. Think that will help get me going? Or maybe just make me broke. Man I love living so close to food that I can walk to stores. I haven't done anything besides work and I'm NOT talking about Work on this thing. Not worth it. Imma go eatin' now.

Dear whoeverreads myblog:
I have a drinking problem. This whole month, I have only been notdrunk six times. I have tried not drinking that much, pacing myself, bringing only cash/not buying - and I end up getting drunk, drunker, and before I know it I'm massively hungover and not feeling good about my Self. I am making this post to start my non-drinking binge. Going to be making an effort to post regularly and keep track of how much fun I'm having Not Drinking. Today I'm going to hang out with my cat and watch PPV TV. Go to the store and buy some decent food, for once. Enough of living off of Hot Mama's $1.50 pizza slices and Linda's fries. It's getting gross that I wake up smelling like a stinky bar and beer seeping out of my pores every morning. It's lame that I start coming around at 12noon every day, after I've had a coffee, maybe a coke, and trying to sop up the beer in my stomach with potato chips.

So, there marks the beginning. My parents have been warning me not to drink, because I went through a really low depression - and how I dealt with it was to drink. And I haven't quite come out of it yet, so I might slip back down when I'm not drinking. But I do have a great network of friends that support my not-drinking. That want to hang out and not get utterly wasted, rendered useless.

Okaye! So that's done. Now, am I supposed to work? UG on work. I went skating last night, the first time in 3 weeks. It was fun, but I was really out of it because I haven't done anything active for so long. My whole body was shaking, I had to stretch out. But I got back into it. I hope we get to hit Newburg this week...

I just made a blog and tried to post it and the darn thing froze. Fuck this shit. If you know me, you know what I was going to say anyway.

I am dying. NO work to do. Zero, ziltch, nada, non. I have been doing online tests and surveys, emailing, reading the world's news, sleeping under my desk and ROTTING AWAY since 9 am. My boss knows it too. Said it's OK because I'm "covering the phone". Which never rings. I even checked to make sure it didn't come unplugged. So I asked if I could leave early and got granted 30 minutes. Wheee! The best part is, since it's Friday and touristy season I get to leave 40 minutes before the ferry comes and sit and rot in my car.

Am I bitchy enough? Sometimes when I sit in my work chair too long it feels like the fat is being pulled by gravity into my butt. Sorry, I had to share that. I'm gonna go wander outta here now. I've had it with work.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) You will be handsomely rewarded for creative endeavors. You have added responsibility; some depend on you for their emotional and financial security.

I was going to do a post anyway, reading my horoscope just reminded me to do it. Really, the next post will Not include my horrorscope. Though I must say, I'm bummed I forgot to read it on my birthday. Those are always more insightful. This one sounds pretty promising, though. Creative endeavors? I'm all over it! See, I knew it was a good thing I decided to stay home (most of) this weekend. Maybe I'll spend it writing a book that will become famous (see previous blog) or do some oil painting that will be noticed and I'll get sponsored to quit my job and just paint (yeah, right). But what's this about people depending on me for their financial security? I thought I was the one depending on others. Maybe it's all that imported food, wine and clothes that I buy that are imported from around the world. That's the only thing I can think of. Unless they're referring to my frequenting a certain bar by my house, and how that's helping others. Who knows. The part about what sign is prominent or whatever, I omitted that cus I Don't Care.

So, catchup. Uhh... Everything I was going to say just totally slipped out. A few minutes ago, I hit a crisis. Tired of my cds at work, I ran around trying to borrow others' but to no avail. So I'm streaming kcmu and hoping I'm not tying up the network. John in the Morning is so rad! YAAYYY! You know what's funny though, is that I'm listening to an archive of his and he's talking about how it's 54 out and we're expecting rain. Reality is, it's 80 out and we're expecting a drought. California is already at a stage 2 or something which means that they're down to less than 5% of their water supply. Wheee, folks. So rolling blackouts might be expected, people are being asked to turn off major appliances in the afternoon. I hope we don't have to get into water trouble.. I think we're fine because Hood and Stevens still have mass snow right now. Yeah, the pnw is the bomb. Ha.

Currently, I'm trying to work off this lingering drunkenness. Talked to Jessica last night and ended up meeting her at Linda's at like 11:30 for some pool. I was So Close to winning! It was rad, I haven't really played more than like 5 games all year and I'm actually doing good. We had a pitcher there, and then mosey'd over to the ca-ca to meet some others, had another beer and a whiskey. Needless to say, I got home late, took a shower at like 2:15a because I really didn't want to wake up earlier than I did this morning. My guess is that around 2pm today I'm going to involuntarily pass out on my keyboard. The coffee was a good jumpstart, but now I'm feeling kinda ill (not licensed to) and not even my munch em's are helping at this point.

Well I guess I should work again. I'm so unmotivated right now. Kinda surprised I even got out of bed. Sometimes I feel like I should be rewarded for being on time every day and working a full eight hours every day, by getting a free day off. Stupid, lousy real-world rules. Sick days, vacation days, number of hours worked, blah blah blah.

YAAAAYYYYYYY!

Ok, I'm keeping with the latest trend...
CANCER (June 21-July 22) Look beyond the immediate. Big things await; fame and fortune are beckoning. Answer the call and let it be known you are alive and kicking. Aries plays dominant role.

I'm ignoring the "dominant role" of X sign, because who cares anyway? Maybe the guy who takes my ferry tickets every day is an Aries and that was the Big Dominant Role. Fuck that shit.

Fame and fortune, though? Now this sounds promising. What am I going to be famous for? And will it be fame that leads to fortune, or am I going to stumble across a hundred dollar bill (yo) and that, in itself, will give me a break from my current dispair? And I'm not answering my phone today, I don't want to talk to anyone for awhile. So whoever's wondering if I'm dead, I'm not. Just read this and believe that I am indeed alive and kicking. Maybe I should start a rock band where all I do is scream on stage about how alive I am and just start kicking things for the hell of it. One thing is certain, I do have to look beyond what is immediately happening in my life, or I would totally not be alive. I'd be kicking everything including my own ass.

Back to work. Oh, sweet work. How I dispise thee even though it gives me a paycheck, I'm still trying to reason with myself on WHY this is a Good Thing. Hmm.

I just read that blog and I wanted to note that it's almost my birthday, and about a month before my birthday, ever since I was 17 or whatever, I get super manic. And depressed. It sends me reeling in all different directions but for some reason, even as I acknowledge that this happens, every instance feels as if I've been feeling it for a Very Long Time.

Right now, I feel like I have been Pissed Off for about a month, and it gets me upset that I can't be happier inside. But you know what? I know that I Was happy this weekend because I went skating twice both days and hung out at Linda's (sure fix) and was productive. And I played with my cat. Aww, I love her.

Still, right NOW I am afraid that if someone calls me before I go to bed they are going to be frightened of me. Like, oh shit what happened to Marcy? Is she on drugs? No, not that I know of, why? Well, she's just going off about all sorts of shit and not making sense but she wants to hang out but I don't want to hang out with her because all she does is wah about her life.

I know people have said this about me because I've said it about them. That which bothers you about other people, you have it in you too.

Ew, I almost just added something like "don't judge, lest ye be judged." I'm logging out now.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You need a little more time; don't be cajoled into making snap decision. Perfect techniques, streamline procedures. You have yet to hear ``complete story.'' Pisces involved.

Ok, first off - who really uses "cajoled" in everyday jargon? And I DON't need more time. I'm tired of being patient, it hasn't gotten me what I want now so far. And what do I need more time for? Finding a job, yes. More time to sit and be pissed? No. Second thing, I don't have techniques and what kind of procedure are you talking about? Sorry to turn this into "Marcy's Horoscope" but really, folks. "Complete story?" I don't want to hear it. Won't believe it, so don't waste your breath.

God, I feel bitchy tonight. How 'bout you? Maybe I need a beer...

Well, I'm gonna leave that half-drank MGD in there to fuzzle a little longer while I drink my Last Pabst. Oh, sweet cold PBR, how I love thee... See? I feel better already! Back to my horoscope. I love Pisces. My sister, roommate, and 2 reallyreally good friends are Pisces. We always get along because we are Water (gurgle). But wait! What's the Pisces involved in?? With the "complete story?" Ug. Nevermind, fuck those fishes. I don't need anyone! I stand alone in my pain, glory, angst and bitchiness. But if you're heading to Linda's, invite me along because that's like my second home.

Monnndayyy, like the corner of my mind... You know what? I have completely forgotten what it feels like to be unemployed. Part of me really wants to get laid off so I can hop back on the happy wagon. Actually, it's more like the "happy, yet subtly distressed by not being a cog in society" wagon. I have a job, and it's great that I get to meet rad people and "feel" like a "normal" person again, but sheesh. Financially I suck right now! I don't have the $7 to get another 12 pack o' Pabst, and it's almost 10 so I'm too tired to walk up there. Too tired?! Hell, a month ago I was stayin' up late reeking havok all over the place with so much alcohol in my system I almost qualified as the next human-keg.

Yeah, I'm exxagerating. But I did wake up most of the time too drunk to feel like a safe, reliable driver. On the up-side I have to admit it's nice waking up and not feeling like I'm gonna hurl when I put the toothbrush in my mouth to clean my teeth. What Am I Blogging About? I can't wait to get some insurance. The first thing I'm gonna do is get me a shrink so I can maybe curb this anxiety/depression/o-c behavior that is taking over me. Damnit, I want to be normal and be able to make more productive decisions in my life than "well, should I go get more beer, or should I just sit on my bed and stare at the walls." Which, by the way, are still bare. The artist in me is scared to come out lately, I think due to my manic behaviour. Like, when I finally wake up out of this stage I'm gonna be scared.

Maybe that's where my friends have gone.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Lunar aspect emphasizes communication, dealings with people from foreign lands. Pressure is on due to added responsibility; you will be up to it. Capricorn plays key role.

1 - I don't like Capricorns. Yes, I know some and yes we get along; but for the most part I keep my distance but am friendly upon impact.

2 - What's this talk of responsibility? I really don't need any more than I already have and am not up to even that much. Can't someone else do it? At least for a little while?

3 - Hmmm. This seems vaguely suspicious. Familiar? Does it mean that a certain someone who is ignoring me, I will have to (get to) deal with them? Doubt it. Nothing that the moon can help me with now, but thanks mr.horoscope guy.

I am so sick of this weekend. Sicker of thinking about going back to werk. I'm back to feeling like shit in numerous categories so just don't even get me started. I drank this weekend but to no avail (waste of money, barely got buzzed). I bailed at skateboarding and in one swift movement I bruised my palm, elbow, hip, and hipbone. Owch. I was happy to be there with only like 4 other guys so I could cower on the ground for a few minutes before getting up and being fully pissed at my fall.

Good things: woke up early sat & sun to skate, spent like 3 hours at burien today and that was fun. Yesterday I learned how to roll in which was rad considering I've only done it at Kent before... So, yay me. And I only spent $15 all weekend which is good because I am Broke. So broke I don't even want to get into it. I'm going now, too sad to write any more about my stupid life. Maybe overnight I'll get happy and be a gem tomorrow. Byeeee.

Damit, I just burned myself putting in And taking out the pizza. Putting it in, because I was talking on the phone and thinking I was superhuman and could take a pan out of the 400degree oven with one hand and that didn't work, but now it's done and I'm so hungry and impatient that I want to Eat It Now but it won't cut because of the cheese still being too fucking hot and melty. So maybe I'll write a blog and my pizza will cool down.

So, today at the skatepark I yelled at a little kid on a bmx. I hate those fuckers. Some of them are cool, they stay out of your way and will apologize if they got in your way. They are not allowed at the park and what can we do? Nothing. Anyway, this little fuck dropped in in front of me when I was turning blind and I fell off. Could have broken something! So I told him to watch where other people were going. I don't know what this kid's problem was, but he totally started shit with me and usually I blow it off but he was within arms reach. I was so pissed, I yelled at him and then I called the cops. Fuck those kids on bikes. The cop came and of course the kids were just sitting there and the cop didn't do shit. I think it sucks that bmx's are not allowed and the cop's just like "well, have a nice day. don't hurt yourself." Like, Hell-o! I won't hurt myself if those little assholes stay out of my way. Lame.

Big wah: pizza is burnt.

I've been so good this week, I'd like an award for it. Since Tuesday I haven't gone anywhere. Let me rephrase that. I haven't gone out drinking anywhere. I have stayed at home to drink in effort to save money. This job I got, it doesn't pay enough. For a normal person, I'm sure it's enough. I am in debt and this time next year I'll have some loans paid off and will be richer. Until then, I'm to be grounded from going out, and I have to get another job. I'm not happy about this. If I find one, I'll work somewhere else. Reality is that I'm most likely going to end up at a restaurant being a cashier part-time while I keep the k2 one. Which is fine. Aaron said I might be able to do some web design for his clients but that might not happen until August and I need money nOW!

Man, I am just one big spew of wah. I'll be back later.

I don't really feel like writing, but I'm still living so what's up?

It's raining and feels good. How come I always get these surges of want to be productive and do things after 10pm? That is frustrating because simultaneously, I get tired. So it's like, I can stay up and do things that are fulfilling - or I can sleep and get none of it done. I could pay my bills, that would be great! Or, I can work on my website and wouldn't that feel good too? Yeah...

It sucks being broke. All week, I've spent only $30 at the bar. That is an Accomplishment. Can't say the last time that happened. I'm so proud of myself! Work is really sucking right now, I have Zero Things to do. Literally. Especially because I'd rather be on my home pooter, I don't want to "play" on the internet or email. Since I'm "not supposed" to have pirated software, I can't do much of anything there. I can talk on the phone but then it's really apparent that I don't have any work. I mean, my boss knows I have Nothing To Do but she hasn't given me any work! Ugh. Oh well... I should just shut my mouth and stop complaining about things that aren't that big of a deal. I mean, I'm not dying, I have a house to live in. I'm almost out of beer but that's barely an acceptable wah. I guess I'll go to bed. Fuck that shit I said about being productive. I like sleep, it's good. bye.

My cat is the biggest stuck up spoiled bitch in the world.

She insists on hanging out in my roommates room - thus, shedding her long, thick fur all over and especially where she sleeps. Yet when my roommate tries to be friends (play, pet her, feed her) my cat turns up her nose and gives her the stinkface. My cat knows she has annoyingly long fur and will hide when she sees me coming with the brush. I'm not abusive, rough, or mean when I brush her. And when I'm done, to rub in the fact that I Am So Abusive, she hides behind the stereo and gives my friends (and me) pity-me looks. In the morning I wake up with just enough time to get ready and get to work on time. Sleep is good. Sometimes, I have a five minutes extra and so I play mouse with her. When I explain that I have to work so that she can eat premium food and shit in a box, she gives more pity-me looks. Friends come over and she acts scared, like she can only hang out with me. Somewhere along the lines of her upbringing, she got the notion that she is royalty. That she deserves constant attention and love...

What have I done to create such a selfish little bitch-cat? Is there anything I can do to curb this behavior? I'm just glad she's not related to me or I'd actually feel responsible for this type of behavior.

In other (yet slightly related) news, I'm going to Whistler this weekend and Gin's going to KY, and that can only mean one thing: The Cat Will Suffer. She will be alone for over 24 hours and hopefully will think we deserted her, so when I return she isn't such a little cunt.

Did I mention I hate ASP? Well I do.

I just faxed my ID to volt! Wheee!!

Now I just need to:
pick up my prescription
scan and put up mamafest pics. (note: can't scan until my driver gets fixed. i will be very upset if i have to get rid of scanner)
food shop
get a new license
&
get my old mail that is piling up at the old house. (finally found my moneycard so i changed my address today online)

Ahhhh.... Now I just have to decide what I'm doing this weekend. Beerfest? Skatefest? Free dinner at dad's on Sunday for dads-day.

My eyes are burning from staring at this gd screen for too long. Even walking around the office doesn't really help much. Leaving early today, must escape.

I feel SO MUCH BETTER! Aside from brainless, menial werk, today I:

renewed my prescription (still haf to p/u)

did laundry (clean sheets!)

got kitty litter - ahhhh...

cleaned up 80% of the krap that was bugging me about my house

watched tv (the dvd is missing a cable. hmmm) (??)

played with my kitty, who is still a spoiled princess

emailed some folks

But still haven't found my moneycard. It was Great for me to get all this done tonight! I was so dead, the ferry was late but it was nice hanging out on the deck with the sun out. Didn't get to skate today but since I kicked ass tonight I'm gonna take my car to werk & go out tomorrow. Or at least drinking. (think small drinking, casual). I get my first paycheck -- wheeeoo!

Tomorrow my only goal is to fax in my goddamn passport. No skateing or drunking until I do! grrrr.....

Sometimes, this makes sense to me:

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Overcome tendency to brood. Transform moods into action. Define terms, find ways of speeding production. You will be regarded as a "mystery figure." Pisces plays dramatic role.

Tendency to brood? ME??

Whatever. Whoever wrote that can fuck off. And I don't need any drama in my life! If you are pisces, I will avoid you. bye.

Right now I hate myself. Why am I such a complete slacker? To keep up with my last few posts, I STILL haven't faxed in my passport to get that $200 from Salomon. I've been drinking too much, in every way that a person can. I haven't been calling friends back, emailing, cleaning up after myself, or doing anything I usually do and now my TODO list is out of control. I even went food shopping tonight, got to the checkout stand, and didn't have my card in my wallet. So I am still foodless. Where the fuck is my money-card? It seems like the only thing I have been doing right lately is getting to work on time. That's an accomplishment, taking into account the fact that in the last 4 years, I haven't had a job with a definite start time. Pretty much crawl in when you want to, which would be about 9am but since I have to take the mo-fo ferry I am slave to the schedule. If I'm late, it's going to be at least an hour.

Somebody please shoot me. I am lower than low and I don't even want to poke fun at it anymore. Even went skating tonight and although I was there almost an hour, I just wasn't feeling it.

So I'm eating canned chili and beer for dinner. At eleven o' clock at night. This is just ridiculous. I feel like crying but that would take too much energy. I want to draw my frustrations out but would proably start crying. I'd make a drink but probably keep drinking and not wake up tomorrow. Can I just crawl in a hole and die? Don't take this the wrong way - I am happy with my life right now. Everything IS under control, just not me. Somewhere in the past month, with me getting a Job and moving, I lost track of everything. Lost my mind, forgot what to do to Live. Right now I'm spewing words from my brain in case you can't tell.

Tomorrow I will:
go food shopping
buy kitty litter
do laundry
laugh
clean up that pile of krap in my living room
and
take a deep breath, tomorrow is a new day.

To spare the world from hearing what's inside me I'm going to close out and take this to my book. It's proabaly my low blood sugar but I feel really wah, upset, and sad right now and want to just shutup. Want to have tomorrow come. Oh, and I need to renew my prescription. My brain is out of control. Gimme some drugs.

Still haven't faxed that lady. Why am I such a slacker on Everything? Capitol letters l,a,z, and y. The number I need to fax my passport to is still packed away in that bigass box in my closet... It would probably be good to collect my damage deposit so I could have some mon-ay as well.

What's new, people? I am slowly adjusting to life at work - training was so easy and we've been super slow waiting for another promotion to come along. yay. I've been wanting to skate lately but when I get out there, I kinda feel like I'm on this dumb plateau where I need to be doing something different but aren't ready to push myself. Not lazy, just underconfident. And now I'm Sooper Excited because I get to be stuck indoors as the temperatures rise. It's sunny, the kids are still in school, and I get to be here. (wah)

Actually, I'm pretty content right now. Things are starting to slide back into place. I'm a cog again but that's OK because I've got my fun when I need it. Maybe sometime soon I'll get my creative juices back. Inside my head there are creatures, they won't shut up but they don't want to show their faces. It's like having a cave or a tunnel like in the labyrinth where the walls talk. Only sometimes scary, sometimes not. And the creatures are little devils with horns and swollen bellies and grimey little faces. They tell me to ignore this life and just crawl in my head. Then I remember to talk and be normal. I can do it. Illusions. Anyway, for awhile I've wanted to put these guys in a book or something to free them. Free myself, in a way. I haven't talked to Frank in a long time but we were going to do a book together but I wasn't focused enough to follow through. And it was probably just me, but I didn't like his writing style. It would have been like if someone didn't like my drawings.

Someone close to where I'm sitting just doused herself in perfume that is making my eyes sting. I gotta go.

I need to remember to fax in that thing to that lady down in PDX so I can get paaid, yo! Where is my mind?

Deleri-ism sinking in fast. Spaghetti-O's clogging system. Can't write complete sentences...

yaaawn.

Oh man I haf to wake up and work. In 5.5 hrs.

God, why are there people like Frank?

I really like pabst but water will do just fine.

Sometimes, it's easier to leave the thinking to other people. I hate having to make decisions when I really don't know what's going on. Should I brush my teeth now; or is it OK to wait until the morning? Should I eat someting now or will it make me feel fat & bloated when I wake up?

Like I said... someone else will know. But I don't think anyone else will know what's going on in my head. I don't tell very many people what I'm up to or who I'm meeting, what's going on in my life. Can you guess? There is some super-secret-covert operation going on, involving a certain individual. I won't say names but if that person reads my blog I'm down. Should already be down, according to how retarded I am already.

What am I saying?

I'm going to bed. Goodnight, world. Pray that my toothpaste has the powers to erase all bad stinks from my breath right now.

xoxox -- marcy, melissa MCD.

Oh my god, I'm out of my drunken stupor. Ate some dinner last night to try and generate some brain cells. Woke up this morning so fucking early but that's been how it goes lately because the sun reflects off of the buildings across from me. I've been in the best mood lately, although I feel slightly off-balance, it's just due to moving. I'm almost ready to be social again and answer my phone. It's just been nice, hanging out with some great company and having adventures. I think I had the perfect last couple of weeks before starting work. Sitting and staring at a computer all day will take some getting used to. I'm going to see if I can take 45-min. lunch breaks with Gin to skate the park because not seeing the outside world is going to bum me out. Hopefully I can transfer positions and work 4 ten's A.S.A.P.

I love my new place! It is a great location, almost perfect proximity to the bars. Great walking distance to beer, downtown, and the freeway. One of the best things is having only one roommate, and especially one that I can't complain about. No more ass-cat, no more driving me insane with arguments. Aaahhh.... Just us and the cable discrambler. And pretty sunset views.

I REally wanted to skate ALL last week. Somehow, the occurence of me sliding on my face at the pool prevented me from wanting to get out and skate. Instead, I got to spend time nannying, moving, and alcohol consuming. Hopefully I have drank enough that this week I won't miss stumbling around and bar hopping. Wait - did I just say I won't drink all week? Noooo. I just mean I'll be sober at noon. And at three-o-clock. I'll be one of those people who rolls out to drink around the time the sun sets. Right now I'm enjoying my 3rd black label (butt licker) so maybe I'll stay in tonight. Get some stuff done, be productive... look at my to-do list. (where IS that thing??)

What the hell am I talking about? I nEEd to stay home tonight! Saving money is good, rehabilitation is good, just chillin' to some cable tv is good. It's all good. Oh yeah, what's not good is we got kicked out of the dog bowl on Saturday. (friday?) Something about the king county housing authorities buying the lot and even though the cops were cool, it sounds like pretty soon we won't be able to hang there. I wonder how long it will be until the no trespassing signs are up.