Today I am in such a bummer mood,. I don't like when I open myself up to someone and really feel like they care about me, when they just end up ignoring me and taking me for granted. Everything in me feels so childish right now. You know what? I was looking forward to going to the show tonight w/Sara but she won't return emails and I know she gets them because she is a freak about checking stuff like that. Did I do something? Am I rude to her? Why does this pattern keep happening to me? As long as I can make friends, they've been leaving me.

Feeling lonely isn't fun. Piled up work is a mask for me to ignore that I have been kinda unmotivated to go out and do things lately. Coming in to work is the mindset I need to change. It seems so different w/Gin gone and I don't know why. I come in, I hide in my corner and code away. I dream of going out surfing, I want to go skate more and be outside and be active.

I don't even feel like typing now. So blah.

I love lying in bed with my laptop. I love the heater blowing air on my cold toes. I love my fianceé and am so excited planning our wedding! The past two weeks I have been working so nonstop, so diligently. It was fun going out last night...so bad of a reminder that long island ice teas are Not Good. Why did it have to taste like a margarita so much? And then I got a second one? Gimme a break.

There are these pigeons determined to build a nest outside my window. They freak out at any movement or loud noise or cat looking at them (like Begonia!). The male will bring a nice long twig to use and the female will break off this tiny little piece and let the rest of it fall to the ground. So far they've built four starts to a nest and then start over. I am convinced that pigeons are not too smart. The girl should have been fed up with the male's competence in finding sticks so far. Or maybe it's the other way -- he's doing a great job, she's just a novice & not too sure how to put a nest together.

Ok I just started thinking this: where do all the birds in the city go when they die? Do they fly out over the water or mountains far away from everything and give their bodies back to the earth? There are thousands of birds, but only rarely do you see a dead one from result of being hit by a car or something. How will I ever figure out this puzzle...

Death is such a humbling thing. Getting Casey's email this morning wasn't surprising, I knew someday it would happen. It was like getting punched in the stomach, I curled up in my chair and let the tears come out. I feel so many things about it, from sadness for him losing his mom after such a long, hard battle; I feel more sad that I didn't get to visit her than I did when my own grandpa died. Having the older people in my life pass away hasn't been that hard. Sad, yes...I don't understand my emotions. The cherry blossoms are blowing petals through the wind and I think that karin is in heaven of some kind, with other angels that brought happiness and knowledge to so many other people.

Obviously I don't want to be at work today. It's very hard to concentrate and then someone sends out an email responding to casey's, about karin and my eyes well up. Karin was always interested in who you were, what you were up to, and genuinely cared. She was outgoing, understanding, compassionate...all the things that you would expect and hope for a mom and friend to be.

I would like to talk to casey even though I don't know what I would say except that I love him and am around if he needs me. I can't imagine how I would feel or god, if I'd even want to talk about anything, if one of my parents got cancer and went through all she did. The hard thing is knowing that nothing I say could make it at all better. Things like this you can't fake through your feelings or hope for more experience so you "know what to say" but I feel like I could offer nothing, I haven't been through it.

and when I see you
I really see you upside down
but my brain knows better
it picks you up and turns you around
turns you around
turns you around

I am still in love with the words ben gibbard writes. Beautiful background, teary-eyed foreground. Soon I will become one with my computer. Communicating solely via keyboard.

Why, hello there, Blog.

This weekend was Spectacular! Riding at Mission was so so beautiful, sunny and warm...But! Cold enough that we got some sweet fresh powder turns through chutes, across fields and up some step-ups. Best local ski weekend for sure.

And in more exciting news: I AM ENGAGED! Yes, me. I didn't really think B was serious when he asked me, which was funny. He was so sweet and wonderful - I can't remember what he said verbatim but I instantly started crying and everything turned upside down. I actually thought I might fall out of the chairlift. Then I was worried I would drop the ring, or how to tell people I'm going to officially get married. I'm so happy that he did it when he did, everything was perfect. Sunny blue skies and with such good friends. Taking that last run down to the lodge, I'll never forget how my heart felt racing in my chest.

And all day I've been jittery to start planning the where, whos, etc of getting married! My mind keeps drifting off to it all day even though I have all this list to knock out. I know that everything will be perfect - we have the best ideas together.

Ok back to work...>>>>>>>

Drinking coffee does no good. Not ready for tea. Excited to look at fruit booter pictures for the next couple days as I get this segment done.

Feel like hopping in a car and sleeping in the back seat, waking up and going riding or camping or hiking or Away!

Sounds kinda like this weekend will be.

Drinking coffee drains my mind. Splat*

! ! !
I remembered my dream:
Where did it start...I was hanging out with Sarah, but this was in 8th or 9th grade and they were living up in Cedar Ridge. We had gone out to dinner with her dad, Scott, Kali and I don't know where her mom was. It was mexican food or something else that was crappy in north bend. Her dad was driving an older vanagon and we had to rig something to get the door to shut, the windows were all hack jobs...it was as if the van would fall apart at any moment. So we get home, and they're living in this brown house, the lawn is nice and green but you can tell they aren't serious about the house. As everyone gets out of the van, Sarah and I are going over to sit in the grass. I look back and the vanagon is slowly rolling down their driveway. (even though the incline was larger and it should have been going faster). I run over and try to stop it because (surprise!) there are a bunch of trucks, new shiney trucks, lined up on the road below. The van's pedals are far from the seat, and narrow like a vw bug's. The steering wheel is skinny and has no power steering in it. This is all moving slo-mo and the dad comes out to help so I get out. Turns out there's this button he forgot to push (no, not the parking brake) that stops it from rolling down the hill.

Then warp to this jungle I'm living in with Dori and Lane and some other people. 1998 or so - I'm younger but still dressing stupidly. It's dark and damp and huge vines all over. Every time I try to swing down a vine or climb a branch there are spiders and furry little things scurrying by. I'm still in nanny-role for this so Lane's by my side the whole time. We were hanging out, coming in-and-out of the jungle for awhile though this part is the clearest in my mind: I'm trying to make my way down to the long dinner table at the base of these trees, but every vine has bats on it or isn't strong enough. Lane shows me these creepy vines that are thick as my arm and seem to grow from the ground up, instead of hanging. I swing my way down to the table, which is darkly lit by candles. We're eating this uncomfortable dinner (it was always stuffy eating with them), when Lane announces something: he wants to teach his classmates about Judaism. Stuart and Dori don't say much, she encourages him a little but Lane is persistent. At this point I am watching this happen, how Lane wants to do something so positive but Dori wants to protect his feelings: what if he's teased? what if he loses focus? So worried, all the time.

I fade from that scene to a house in wallingford I don't recognize. It's one of those house parties that you sorta know the host but don't bother because you know you're going to leave soon anyway. B's there with me, so this is recent. There is a large bathroom, the size of the bedroom we have now and all it has is a pedestal sink, toiled against adjacent wall (but opposite each other); the walls are painted velvety red and it has cream curtains. There is a door in from the hallway and a door out to the bedroom that nobody is in, the lights are out in there. I'm in there talking with B about something, we're not needing to be in the bathroom but the door doesn't lock. Laura from my old work comes stumbling in with (her boyfriend?) and I don't recognize her until she says my name. She's crying, she's really upset about something and needs a hug but she's so happy to see me. Didn't she move down to CA? Why is she at this party? Turns out we're at mikey wolfson's house, not in wallingford but on queene anne. Very strange. B is talking to her boyfriend-guy but the guy doesn't seem right. I can tell B's thinking something like "who the hell ARE these people?" because I feel trapped, like what do I have to say to Laura? She's going on about how She is the original LK, not Lucas. Does it matter? Then all at once she's wasted, she's needing to throw up but about six people come stomping in from the bedroom door, they're needing the toilet, the towels hanging on the wall, the sink needs more soap and we're out of hot water.

These dreams were liquid, they were a resurrection of people from my past that I never think about and this makes me interested in these dreams. I kept dreaming this morning, drifting out of consciousness that I needed to get up and tasting for more dream, wanting to see where I would go next. Fun but strange. Dreams are funny like that.

Oh, and two more things:

ordered NEW 15" PowerBook Friday! CANT WAIT! (our first purchase together, too)

got Modest Mouse tickets FINALLY because we were slackers for so long we were darn lucky they didn't sell out.

...and I did not succeed in my new year's resolution (#2): make a new meal every month from scratch. I'll do it soon so I can make up for it. It's such a good and easy decision. I Love Eating!

So yay, but boo. I'm doing well with having my sh!t together.

Hey. I am on the end of wrapping up a very relaxing yet fulfilling weekend...Friday I had all intentions of staying in and knitting, doing webthings, etc. while B went to Jamie & Jenay's housewarming party. Turns out traffic was bad so when his ride came, they all came up for a bit of wine to wait for it to die down. I had a glass, then I was convinced to join them. It was a friendly enough party. See, I'm still getting to know and warming up to B's outer circle of friends. Half of them I hadn't seen in a year or so, and that was the first time I met them. They are all great people, good intentions and intricite lives and all. Glad I went! Short and sweet - I was back by midnight.

Saturday I went solo up to Alpental and Boy Oh Boy was I glad I did! The snow was so light and plentiful, I rode for a good three hours before the weekend crowds got to me. Taking some first turns down gunmount was just awesome, nobody seems to care about the weekday spots on the weekend? And elevator was great again and again...deep powder, big curvy turns...ahh...That's what I needed to want to go up after work!

Came back, met my mom for some lunch (breakfast for me!) at the B&O. It was nice talking to her, I think our relationship has grown a lot in the past few years. After that I relaxed about w/Bri and felt lazy. Went out to eat w/Sara and Mark at that ummy pizza place down in belltown. It's always good there, great wine - I'm just not drawn to it as often as other places. Having an entire pizza makes for great leftovers though.

Aand today we slept in a tad before going to eat with Mark up at the broadway grill. I need to get some new eggs here (mine are no good) so I can make morning foods at home...it seems silly sometimes to go out because it's so easy to make a really good breakfast at home. Especially when the two-egg meal is around $7. Unnecessary.

For the first time in a long while, February came and I feel like I really lived through January. You know how it is when days or months just fly by? I noticed it ticking by but it didn't drag and it didn't zoom. It was perfect, like a great balance between lazy, artsy, movie/tv-watching, and activities.

And every day I drift more and more in love...at breakfast this morning I felt the freshness of first date and longevity of love that lasts, that grows with time...

Fucken can't figure out my new health insurance. I know I'm not pleased with it: I have to pay a deductible on going to acupuncture before my 90% coverage kicks in. Stoopid insurance plans.

In other news, we took our first trip to Mission of the season. Of course it was a great time - eight great friends, in the middle of Wenatchee, with not much to do besides boozin' and foolin' around. Too bad the snow was packed so hard you could ice skate on it. Ok, not that bad, but it was freaking COLD out there! Brrr. Hopefully next weekend brings better snow. Sounds like Stevens has been getting dumped on and I think we're planning on some hooky to go ski tomorrow? (ok not hooky but more fun than admitting to getting morning off...)

Hooo, I found my guilty pleasure of the day. In Hunter's folder: Dude Ranch. When did this come out? My senior year of highschool or later? No matter when, this isn't good but IT IS!

Blog, I need to go back to acupuncture. My arm is hurting me again and I don't remember when but I hurt my shoulder in Jackson. I wake up it hurts, I turn it, I'm putting on my clothes and it Hurts. Typing hurts. I am a big pile of uncomfortableness in my arms. Great.

Oh and CP is moving in to the cube next to us. Yay, that. I feel claustrophobic in my large cube with a view.

I can't write now although I want to. Really on a roll today.

Oh my god, blog. This weekend did not have enough hours in it. Boo! On Friday, I had to powernap to function, then experiment with vinyl for present-making. Very different than expected. Instead of easy and fast, it was over an hour of figuring out how to make the stupid material agree with me in terms of sew-ing ma-chine. I think I got it, but by that time I was ready to quit and catch a cab with Sara to then grab Gin and go to Dragonfish for some deliciouso tofu pillows and pearl sake. Yum-um!

Saturday was like - woah! Why did I wake up at almost 10am? Guess I WAS exhausted from the week...B and I lazed about until about 11:15 and then took the boat down to southcenter for some extremely efficient shopping. We did marvelous, I am so glad Bri doesn't dawdle about and we both had the goal to go in and get out. Then we came home only to walk downtown for another two-and-a-half hours, where I get a coffee and Bailey's to help out with the last tidbits of shopping...I almost exploded in several different ways, trying to navigate around this crazy town (on foot, even!) and get things Done. But yes, we came home and were both too wiped to cook. (yay pizza)

Today...oh, I can barely even keep typing! Today Holly came to meet me around 10:45am and we walked downtown for just about three hours. Have I done enough walking this weekend or What. Goal today was to get Holly's shopping done and finish my Cards. While the ones for my work-buddies (are out of control. really.), I will still come home to make some more cards tomorrow. But I think I have a beta version down for next year, it will be really snappy. Plus, I took pictures before they are going to be sent off, I think that might help?

Okay I am so over this weekend. I've been working now since 8pm and just want to SLEEP. Stupid busy weekend, too much work to do, so much shopping, and I feel full of spirit but weary. Very excited for Whistler, much more so than for Stupid Sales Meeting. Excited to relax with everyone, for Tandoori, for Sushi perhaps, for some actual riding and not just a couple runs and then backdownforwork. Phew.

Sleep...oh bed, you are so sweet to me...exhausted.

Rant: sick of all the work that is piled on us. Not a chance of creativity to seep out of anywhere. We are busy busy and I have tunnelvision.

Rave: B got me a boquet of cute anemones! They don't smell, but they are so colorful and look like something you could make out of crepe paper, perhaps. Their leaves are clustered and I just Love seeing them by my desk.

Tried making christmas cards with my wonderful printer last night. Looks like although I know tons about web graphics, I have a lot to learn about my digital camera and how to bring in images at 300dpi instead of changing it afterwards. Duh.

Going up to Whistler for a week did nothing but take away from my creative time. I need that! OK back to work so I can do my own work tonight...

Today sucks. I hate being at work today. All I can do to keep from crying my eyes out is keep my headphones on tight, don't look over to see what is going on across my room. I can't wait for the 4:30 boat to come and pick me up, while I'm sitting in Hunter's car trying to avoid eye contacts and conversations. Just want to go home and curl up in the oceans of blankets on the bed. Sleep, tears, nothing work. I hate that so much work is piled up but my brian wants to divert. My eyes don't want to focus on these screens.

Still hooked on Transatlanticism. It's like a lullaby for me to code to.

You know what I could do without?

When I'm walking down the hall at work, like over by the mailboxes, for example, and I pass some person I don't know and I get that GRIN. Like saying, hey, I'm friendly. You don't know me, we just happen to both work for the same company, but I can at least smile. The eye contact is never warm, it's just business as usual.

Stupid business.

What an awesome weekend! B, my dad, Becky and I tripped out to the cabin and did some major nothings. For having such a packed schedule, it was supernice to put in some time for not running around, not snowboarding, not anything. We got in late, had a beer, went to bed. Saturday we slept in until 10.20am which is pretty much unheard of for me...guess I needed it? Walked down to the river which was silently being covered in snowflakes. Took some lovely pictures of everything, ate hot cocoa, played scrabble & hearts, snowshoed (in the dark! with headlamps - very cool), knitted a ton and smiled more. I have said it a thousand times before, but how great is it, how many people can really say that their best friend is also who they want to marry? Words can't spell it out.

Now back on the island - wooo. Monster/Fangfish made it through the long stretch of no foods. I swear beta fish are the best. Low maintenance. And I think I may be able to last with Grandaddy for the morning. Really need to ween myself off of dc4c or I may tire of it too soon. Wear off the shine.

Ah la la. Such a great ad I get to work with - bye!

I really like the singer from Iron & Wine. Barely whispering sweet things. Listening to him makes me want to cry for beauty.

Today has blown by. Too many ideas, I can't focus. Need to prioritize and g-o. Finished my belt and now want to figure out what to do with big fun yard of clear vinyl. Need to find time to practice making truffles, I am guessing it won't be as easy as the instructions read. Sort of like fresh spring roll experiment. Wouldn't that be exciting though? It could also equal a big stomach-ache.

Beautiful roses sitting next to my desk. I love them! I love having flowers as company for when I work at home. Hi, flowers!

brainoverload::

So right now, I am officially
"so annoying"

I want to sew, I want to add mexico pics to my website. I want to have a glass of wine and watch a movie. I just don't feel like going to bed yet. Which is pretty out of the norm. I bet in twenty minutes I'll be snuggling up.

Tonight went to new fabric store for clear vinyl. I have grandiose ideas for belts, wallets and small handbags. While there (with only 25 minutes to closing) I had racing thoughts of embroidered pillow/cases, faux fur hats, thick felt bags and things with snaps on them. I hate that I don't know where to find the really good things like belt buckle/loops, neat snaps, etc. Prolly just second-hand or Red Light, right? We'll see. So anyway, I wanted to buy about a hundred dollars worth of things but couldn't justify it. This was purely a present-shopping visit.

And I am STILL listening to Transantlanticism. Tried some Halo Benders but I'm back. When will I tire of it? Soundtrack for December, it seems...

Very excited for the cabin.

Left: why is Mudhoney playing at the showbox?
Right: i dunno, maybe it could be good, like you're back in highschool?
Left: yeah...sorta skeptical on this though, I didn't like their later stuff...you think it could be fun?
Right: Oh i didn't say that. i think it could be, but prolly better to stay home and see if someone else went. showbox is probably twenty bucks anyway.
Left: good call.

That is the conversation my brain had when I saw mudhoney on the pollstar.com.


///
i am waiting for you to flee the scene
as if you held in your hand the smoking gun
and on the floor lay the one they said you loved

imhome.imhome.imhome!!

Thank gad I'm home again. It's really terrible, but I'm starting to tire of Whistler. Who does that? Who gets tired of being surrounded by gorgeous mountains and snow dumps? (me.) It really would have been more fun, less lonely, not so drab if B were up there with me. Big fat OH WELL to that because imhome! Really made good time w/Hunter. Left the Delta at 1:40, crossed truck customs at 4pm and dropped him off pretty much at 6pm. Got home, got kisses, went out to Machiavelli with B. Haven't really cared for it the past couple times we've gone, but last night was pretty much good - the spinach ravioli did it for me. And I remembered that although a chianti is what I want, at Machiavelli it's the house red/merlot that is best.

The cat, snuggling and toes at bedtime, finally some good music on the radio...I love travelling and being out but right now all I want to do is nerd out on my computer and drink tea. Mmm.

Can I just say that I hate bro-brahs? I saw so many blowjobs this past week and it's really disgusting. People need to just realise they work for a snowboard company, and that in itself is fun. But they don't need to be so upping each other and kissass. I prolly didn't see all that I could have, being that I was busy and also avoiding most crowds and parties...

Oh and I also have to say that it sucks when you have to go somewhere for a long time and your best friend, your boyfriend, isn't there. So that everything you want to go and have fun doing, is without him. Paints everything a shade of lonely. A shade of appreciating that other friends were there just a little more. I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful, loving relationship. Something that most people should envy. Though I never knew it possible to have such a large love, every day I am overwhelmed with feelings of appreciation, awe, wonderment at what we have.

Begonia really wants to play. She's climbing all over the couch and running around at high speeds. And I can't stop listening to transatlanticism! On the way home we were stuck because my smart ass forgot my cds back at the hotel. I swear deathcab is good in any situation. Ben Gibbard = makes soundtrack to my life. Weird. kexp just played some new strokes song and I sorta liked it. What does THAT mean?

Two days we go to the cabin. Two weeks we go back up to Whistler. Twenty days and we hop on a plane to Jackson HOle! Wooohee to that! This month is so packed with fun I can hardly think about the work that is also piling up. Stupid work. Stupid everybody wants their own site and we have zero creative realm to embrace. Glad that work is opening up here, would be nice to go do something different, something appreciated.

Gotta clean frog's pad. Feeling responsible for their uncomfortableness. Maybe if we named them...I would attach personality and also more parental responsibility to them? Horrible me.