First day feeling better (yesterday) and I'm already back to beer? Ug. I can't say for sure, but I think I had 6+ beers last night. And I drove home from the E-side. I kept asking Gin if she'd want to drive, because I would never actually admit that I can't drive. She didn't want to. I made it, we got home. I passed out and woke up this morning, regaining my senses out at breakfast over some coffee. That stuff is evil.

Now I'm dealing with a really great headache, but other than that I feel pretty great. It's sunny out today! Whooee. Soon we'll get out and skate, gotta take advantage of all the kids being in school right now. You know, I really don't want to deal with moving. Too bad I don't have a nice income so I can just pay people to pack & move my shit while I'm out having fun. At least we have volunteers, that's nice. I can't write this blog right now, who am I kidding.

note: Redhook has a brewery in Woodinville. Where is it? What else is hidden in Woodinville? I swear the only thing it's been good for is that rad Molbak's and sometimes I stop there to get food, either at a drive-thru or the top foods. Mostly because it's kinda on the way to Stevens.


WHEEEEE!

Today:
- take drug test on vashon. boo on paying ferry fee, but at least i'll have a job.
- take car to get transmission fluid checked. doing this will help validate (?) my warranty on a third rebuild. no car should have to go through what mine has.
- skate. must do this as much as possible in order to ensure sanity when starting new job in 10.5 days. any time it is dry, i will skate. i will go to nearest convenience store and buy PBR or like beer. Jerry said he found 24oz'rs of PBR - must look into this.
- go to Redhook brewery for meeting. must confess my consumation of mega beer at Baker's TapRoom during festical. unless Patrick is on my side, which he might be since he's such a nice guy. hoping for kickdowns of beer and maybe munchies. at least beer.

Nothing else planned. Hoping it stays dry, maybe I'll "pack" some more, since we Are moving tomorrow. Is it tomorrow? Everything goes away? New place? Wheeeeee!! I should get cable hooked up earlier than the 2nd, and call to get a phone maybe like Tuesday. Add that to list of things to do... maybe I'll call en route to pee test.

What am I going to do this summer? I can't imagine starting work now. It's just getting sunny out! WAh. No more running around, drinking at noon. No more wondering what I'll be doing today. No more forgetting what day it is.

Don't get me wrong - I DO want to work again. Having a reasonable income would be grand, working my brain a little bit would be nice too. It's kinda funny, when I first got laid off I thought I'd be consumed by art. I got all these canvases & loaded up on extra oil paints, I have a bunch of rad drawing pens... You know what I was really up to? I learned to skate, I took mega snowboard trips, went to Mexico (2x!), I started a liquor collection and have friends to hang out with almost anytime I'm lookin' for em.

I have had an awesome vacation from work. Must go find skate now. Interview went well, semi-freaked on starting a real job again.

Soundandthefury Saturday:

Waking up to a phone call 20 minutes before my alarm was going to scream, pounding headache from stiff drinks at I-Spy the night before, wondering if I have any clean clothes to wear today, and I'm out of all food except frozen burritos. Not that frozen burritos aren't the Bomb, but I wish I could have showed up to the comp about 3 hours later than I did. It went ok, I saw a bunch of people in a scene that doesn't happen all the time so that was cool. Didn't get to see much of the comp, which was fine because it hurt to concentrate on things. Am I making sense? Somehow it's 8:20 at night, and I don't know where my day went. Left the hangar to skate west Kent bowl which was Dead, which was Cool because I didn't want to deal with little kids. Then went to the pool (little mexico) because even though my legs (and ankles, shoulders and knees) were stiff and sore, I had to keep skating. Those guys are doing sick moves in there and I really want to get better. I know I won't make it up to the tile but it would be sweet to be able to do a kick-turn higher up and on the wall. It's just that those trannies are So Tight, the corners are gnarr but i keep going. I hope the pool is still a go in the summer because it's chill there. Nice. Legs about to give out, still drinking beer (bad habit, must stop drinking beer while skating) - (especially when it's sunny. that's the worst!), and I can't stop until my body is giving out, it no longer obeys what my mind commands. That is when I leave and have decided that tonight I will stay home and watch a moovey. Or just go to bed.

Must be more awake tomorrow - the finals! Wheee!

I just realized that what I just posted sounds whiney and I'm sorry. Beat me with a fork if it makes you feel better. Then feed me some chocolate and I'll forgive you.

Late, late, ohhh it's late. I should be going to bed soon but I wanted to mark this as: I had such a fun day! Going to new parks is always fun and even though it's a bad habit, drinking biers while skating is also fun.

Too bad it was $15 for the buffalo daughter show. Why don't places have discounts for the unemployed? Surely it's because they want to motivate us to get jobs so we can pay for ourselves and whatever, but come ON! Wahh. Yeah, so I hung out upstairs which was equally if not more entertaining. Today, three things happened repeatedly. One is, I met new people. New names to learn and things to find out. (fun). Two, I got asked if I have a car. Yes I do and why is that a main question? (vroom). Three is people would ask if I have a boyfriend and although I'd like one (why? dontask) -- I don't. That's fine, but how come I haven't been asked that in awhile? Is it the faabulous haircut Jackie Chan gave me, with her funky kung-fu stizzle? Or is it that after awhile, the unemployed seek out each other and I'll be making out with some guy who's averaging about what I am from the government every week? Answer me! It's okay... I don't need to deal with guys anyways. They suck.

Having said that, I am going to bed so I don't have to think anymore. snarf.

I promise, just this one post and THEN I'll add to my site. Or get those god damn mamapics up. Something.

Ok, so WHY did we go out drinking, again? Was it to make up for the fact that the weekend was pretty beige? Gray? Narrow pinstripes that are so close together they make your eyes hurt? Most everyone I talked to was like, "Whee! Cinco de Mayo! Oh, yeah, I drank allll weekend lonnng... still recovering, thanks for asking!" Whereas mine was like, umm can I sit around for awhile, go see a skatemovie while drinking a minimal amount of nasty vodka then roll out to Burien? Ah, lovely Burien skatepark. Nothing like a 12vr of Busch (don't ask. out of PBR) and a skatemovie to get you stoked on fast snakebowl runs. I think I was in bed by like 10pm on Sunday. yay the fifth of May, y'all!

With that intro, I don't know how to come to last night, today. It was fuzzy but quickly dissolving into a bunch of "huh?" I really actually had my mind set for Rival Schools and I was kind of OK with the other bands which I'm sure were fun and I hope Jakson wasn't bummed I wanted to go somewhere else. I felt like one of those signs where the arrows go around in circles and point off into 3 different directions but eventually the circle comes back to where you're standing. Linda's is good for chillin'. I didn't want to go home yet I lacked the energy it takes to think of what to DO. That somehow lead us to Nation. Monday nights ROCK there! I totally forgot! Too bad it didn't start earlier. Another too bad was Marcy staying past 2am to keep dancing and drinking because I Hate having beer in my belly in the morning. I should have gotten a ticket for driving this morning, swear to god. I feel like I should be able to breakdance, it's in me but there is no way in hell you're going to see me out there rubbing my head against a well polished floor. Maybe if I had my own apartment with wood floors and mirrors all over the living room... Right now I think I hafe enough going on and don't really need to add a new activity.

Man I had such great aspirations for today. Wonderful things were going to happen, I tell you! So far the coolest thing I've done is get a hashbrown at mcd's. Mmmm, tasty hashbrown I love you. If the guy I marry can make hashbrowns like that, I'll be the luckiest girl.

Sweet potatoey inside. My cat is being a nerd today and doesn't want any attention. I really wanted her to sit on me to keep from reeling off the bed this afternoon, before I was able to walk straight. But noooo. Kitty rules.

This online journal is great, isn't it? Don't you just love how much fun I'm having? Me too! Now, if only I had a job bringing in what I used to...

Yesterday, it was so hot out I couldn't get over it! Met Caro for lunch at the ohsotasty Honey Hole, where the guy behind the counter gets a dollar tip from me for getting a lime for my beer. Mmmm, sanwich! Then we skated (Burien. what'd you think?), headed over to Rain City for about 3 minutes then to get yummy icecream at the Mix. Oooh, there's another place I love. Where else do you get to tell someone to put reeses, caramel and boysenberries in your dish? Nowhere I know! Then there were killer reject pigeons attacking us for food, so we left to get a 12vr of PBR from ye ol' Hop-In market. Longboarding down fresh pavement with a beer in your hand with the sun blaring down while you're wearing a tank top and sunglasses is so rad. Then today comes and it's overcast. Why do I wonder? It's like, I grew up here and just from hearing all the imports talk about the schitty weather - makes me get stupid and wonder, too?

Then Jackson picked me up and I had another beer, but I was tired and couldn't drink very well anymore. Now it's today and I kinda just want to drink again. Need a job, searching MS-jobs online and need to call my cousin to see if she knows any of the people who are hiring.

I gotta do some stuffs now. Bye!

Aww, yeah! Skateboard! After yesterday I could barely wait for it to dry up today. Even got up at 8am without help of alarm clock to head out. But Of Course, god was testing my patience. Wet pavement? Crikey, it wasn't raining when I came home at 2 in the morning! Did that stop us? Noooo. Us dumbasses drove out to Renton & Burien, back up to seaskate only to find that we had to come home by 10am. Then I waited. Checked my email, got some pancakes. It cleared up and we headed out to Redmond which seemed to have over 100 kids there. Not kidding. Bag that, back down to Redmond. Too good to be true, with 3 bikes and like 4 other kids - why did we get over it in 15 minutes? The bikes were all about the bowl and were completely oblivious to anyone else. I almost died. Cussed at a little kid which I hate to do but he prolly didn't hear me anyway.

Don't ask why we always do the mini-tour of parks. I'm starting to get really stoked on Burien. Went out tonight for like an hour.5, it was super fun especially cuz there were 2 other girls there. Yay! And a bunch of guys who were ripping up the bowl. This summer is going to be Rad.

Kinda bummed I'm going surfing tomorrow. Not because I'm surfing. That will be fun, for sure. This time it sounds like I'm actually going to hit it at the right time. Bummed because I could just skate most of tomorrow. If we get back early enough I'm taking the 5 back down to Burien.

Need a website layout. Tired of the photo-display approach. Need colors, need better/mas creative navigation and stuffs. Going to bed soon. Yawn. I'm such a pooper, don't wanna do nuthin' on a Saturday night. Want to rent Blue Velvet but too lazy to go to movie place.

So, um where have I been again? Gone most of the month, apparently. This month has made me completely Over Whistler. I need to make at least 2 solid trips to Hood and ride pipe there before heading north again. This isn't the first year that I get "over" riding before the season is over. Once the powder's gone all I think about is pipe anyway. Can only handle speedy groomers for so long. Most all I've been wanting to do lately is skate and surf. Since surfing hasn't completely sold me yet (needs to get warmer but still having fun) I've been skating. It was cool going out to Burien yesterday. Put hopes on today but obviously god is favoring someone else because it started raining just as soon as I got done w/work today. I knew I should have gone surfing... Sunday will come. It will be good. (repeat) I also get stoked because I can go faster and higher in the snake runs now. Such a slow progression but such a Rewarding Feeling!

Anything else new? It's been almost a month. My stupid car needs a Third tranny overhaul. How dumb is that? I have 3 interviews next week so everyone get ready for drinks, I'm gonna want 'em. Need to post like 3 different categories of pics to my site. Where have I been that all these things aren't getting done? Looking for a job, trying to find strategic places to stash my car so I can report it stolen and just get a new one...

Besides skating this summer has some rad concerts coming. I better get a job so I can better support my extracurricular activities. No drugs, silly. Between mini road trips and shows I'm gonna be a busy girl.

There was a point where I wanted to mark festical and the trips up to Whistler with Jackson but now they're past and I guess I'm going to haf to rely on myself to get those pics up to tell the stories. Drank a bunch of vodka before skating yesterday and now all I want is sunny days and so-Oregon skateparks. Ship me outta here, I want better, smoother, bigger parks! You hear me? Grrrr....

Today was my go-nowhere day. It was nice, having a Monday all for ME. I stayed at Rich's last night and got to sleep in. Nice. Smelling his hair. Flannel sheets and daylight slowly creeping through windows. Whispers of butterflies and laughter... I should have gotten up when he left and headed out surfing.

It was so sunny and nice out today! Perfect for surfing. Since I got that new leash, maybe this time I won't get stranded out past the breakers. That was Lame. But it didn't kill my wanting. It's back, the get out & go; the don'twannaride the rest of the season feeling. What's with that? Snowboarding consumes me, it gets in the way of me doing so much. The past few years though, once the powder is over and it's not quite to the slushy park/pipe days full of blishful sun, I'm over it. Don't wanna trek up and ride. Want to surf though. Want to go!

So, not today. No ocean. What did I do, then? Laundry! Weee! Got out all of my artsy papers and had a rad thing I was going to glue together, but then I got a nap attack and slept for 2 hours. Next thing I know, I wake up to the sun blaring over my neighbor's roof into my room and all I can think about is running around Greenlake with the rest of the Seattle. So that's what I did. Ahh!

Happy Easter! I just wanted to mark this day as being the first that I have eaten chocolate in almost 40 days. Yes, I gave up chocolate for lent this year (who didn't know that?). My girlfriend Jackie got me to do it. I mean, she's Jewish and gave up cheese... I was at least raised Catholic so I couldn't just NOT give up something, right? It took a few weeks but the cravings slowed down and I wasn't freaking out as much to eat it today as I expected. I mean, it is the bomb and I'm sure glad I'm not allergic to it & all. Yay la chocolat.

Mmmm, chocolate. How I love you. How I am going to be incredibly sick and ill from over-indulgence of chocolate after tonight...

I gotta go get some wine for dinner. I'm still on a semi-hiatus from drinking (haven't gotten buzzed in about 2 weeks), but wine is always fine. Next time you see me, I'll be hangin' with the winos on 2nd and Pine.

The Olympia skatepark has scary roll-ins. I haven't felt so wussy about skating in a very long time. Wah.

It's official. I am not drinking anymore. There must be a direct correlation between my drinking and the lack of finding a job. For how long have I been looking for a job and I still find nothing? I really don't want to have to cave in and get a poo-job. Hire me! I'm smart, I'm funny, and I have the ability to learn anything. Puh-leeese. At the very least, can I get an email response that isn't generric?

Last night and this morning will not be on my blog. Censored. If you were around me, I'm sorry. I didn't know I could be like that. It's 6:47pm and I'm just starting to generate new brain cells. Ug. Today was meant to be snowboarding. Since I've been riding Stevens since like February, I really wanted to go back to Alpy. This year is the first in like 5 years that I didn't go to the pass almost every day. I miss it! I've probably ridden Whistler more than Alpental, that's how bad it's been. But I've gotten some really good powder days in, and my major plus this season: Girls. Maybe it's something to do with Stevens, I dunno - but this year I have ridden almost solidly with girls. Yay, us!

I gotta stop this thinking. Can't handle it. Tired of resisting chocolate. Are you happy, Jesus?

Man, what a hangover. I don't drink (much.often?) and well, that party i don't know what happened. Okay I do. All day we worked on raising money - over $4000 - and I was running around, hanging out with the public, and doing demo boards all day. Didn't eat. Nobody did, really. Then we had to take everything apart & run down to the bar to get setup for the afterparty. It was 6pm, and I remember having a plate of pasta, some veggies and beer. BEER: $1 PBR's all night! Woo hoo! Let's all get raging drunk by eight-o-clock so we don't even know what's going on! It was so much fun, that group of girls was Fun to hang out with. I've met the nicest people through Jackie. Anywhey, ummm... where was I? No, I mean last night. I was all over the place. For awhile I was playing pool, and I got good again for a minute. Then I spilled a gallon of beer on my shirt. Ten times. And then, and then, and then!

I can't remember last night. So many people, and most of them I just met so it was a lot of talking. This morning (even right now), there is about twelve pounds of rocks in my head. Breakfast this morning, we went to the Index cafe which is famous for getting shut down every month from the health board. We went in and sat down but when they saw how many people there were, we got called a fire hazard and got moved to the corner. Thank god for breakfast. The food was way shitty - the ketchup was sour (??) and even the OJ tasted funny, but I needed it so bad.

And now I'm home. And, I need a job. The crackhead I was supposed to start working for (tomorrow!) decided that he didn't like that I didn't want to work after 6pm. Even left me a nice (sarcasm), long message on my phone saying how I have the completely wrong attitude and if I don't change how I am my whole life is going to be a disaster. Man, that guy was weird. I'm not even getting into it.

So the hunt continues.

Anyone wanna hire me?

I love to take a bath. I love bubbles by lush, they make it all movie-starrish, and I don't want to get out even though my fingers turn all raisins.

So soon, I start working (hypothetically). Today I spent hours skating. Burien, Lakewood, Gig Harbor. I really like skateboarding because it's hard. When I can finally do something (like, if I ever can do a backside turn!) it's a great feeling. The kind that makes me want to keep trying and not go in for beers. The kind that pushes me although my legs say "no more!" It's just something that I can't do every once & awhile. Ok, I can but then I stay on this plateau. Since I snowboard so much I don't think I notice the plateaus and even if I do, it's easier to get a step up because I spend longer trying things, I go up more often. Until last summer, I spent more time surfing in the summers than skating. Why does everything have a give & take? Well, at least I can - it's just a matter of if I want to get better at one thing over another.

I should be doing so many Things, instead of this blog right now. Forever am I hating the list I create of my to-dos. So much time, always things to do. Today I vote to not prioritize until I go to bed. Maybe I'll add to my website. It's still shabby...

poems, sinking like stones, all that we fall for
homes, places we've grown, all of us are done for
and we live in a beautiful world, yes we do

Delerium. Love. Thhhbbtth.

Back from surfing, or what there was to be had. What a quick trip, am I really back? I love leaving. I love seeing how other people live, meeting people who live in different cultures, and just letting go of the rules that this country imposes on you. Each time I go away, I want to not go home more. No, wait. Each time I come home from a trip I want to go somewhere new. Being in the same place... Makes me want adventures. I feel tied to where I live because of comfort. Because of friends, the mountains which I love so much, the weather is great for what I like to do...

But it isn't permanent. Where do I go next? Can I stay away longer?

Or can I just eat sushi and float off into a tasty dragon roll? Mmmm.

This white sausage is FAST.

I just wanted to say that watching the olympics is fun and I love what the announcers say. XOXO announcers!

Something in me is speaking but I cannot verbalize it. Why do I keep hanging out with him? It's not like I feel like things are changing. I hope to god I'm not deceiving my self but I probably am. Honesty is good. Feeling happy is good. Acknowledging that right now, I am doing what I want to be doing, is good. But I still feel unfulfilled, which is making me feel dislodged. Disgruntled. Discouraged. Disembodied? Disdisdisdis.

It was a slight surprise to have him call me when he was coming home. What really goes on in a man's head? Why is it that I care so much? Because I will never know, and there are some things that are hard to accept, such as not knowing things that I could possibly find out if I was persistent & bitchy. But I really don't want to be bitchy. Too much is going on for me to do That. Some part of me is satified running on the fact that it's nice he calls me & wants to see me. At the same time I feel like I know I'm cheating myself out of something that could be better because I'm letting him be like that to me. Not actively doing something about it, I'm just giving up. I'm putting my dreams on a shelf and focusing on the other parts of my story.

I hope Casey calls me back because I need to talk to someone tonight. My emotions have been pretty even and I feel upward about where I'm going, which is encouraging especially since I feel like I've been fed a dirty dish sometimes lately. Casey helps me at least feel normal. It's so easy to wonder why I'm so weird and then I talk to him and am reminded that everyone's life is weird and hard and fun and a challenge all at once. That's why you have to live it, make your decisions and learn to accept what happens. Loving yourself and having no regrets has to be some of the best words to live by for me. Learning is so much more valuable than dwelling on the things that have turned you upside down in your past and allowing them to grow into huge road blocks.

Man, what a trip. I've been cleaning my room lately - too much accumulation. There's this box I've had since middle school with random things in in. Old school pictures, notes and things I cut out of books that were little secret jokes between me and girlfriends. Anyway, I came across all these letters from an exboyfriend I dated my junior year in high school. Some of them are funny, he'd draw all these random things and weird people, he talked with jargon I didn't use and I still think it's weird. When we were dating I thought it was because he came from California, but now I think it was just a mixture of him and the fact that he did acid. Well, I found these letters and decided to read them. There are three that I want to keep just because they still make me laugh. Then there are others that make me feel so strange, because my memory is so faded and selective.

He's writing me to say that he loves me. Telling me he's in class, thinking about ditching school to come and hang out with me (even though I'm in class, too?). He's writing me to say he's sorry he had to work so much all week because he had to work or whatever. Even though my memory doesn't recall everything, I don't think I've ever been the kind of person to be all upset about someone not being around, or having a life. Then he's telling me he's sorry he pissed me off, he wants to know if I still love him and that he still loves me. I don't remember a hard breakup. I don't think he even broke my heart. What I remember is that he was doing drugs so much, I got tired of hanging out with his loser friends so we stopped hanging out. From his letters it sounds so serious. I guess that's how high school was. Everything had so much Meaning.

Is this about my memory? Have I created a false memory of my life?

OH WELL.