How nice it was this morning to go out on a bikeride! The fog was crawling through everywhere, everything was illuminated by glow of steam and sun.

And my honey love comes home today. How long the time was, and how slow it went but yet today here he comes! I think it would have been easier for me, if I didn't feel so sick and out of it all week. I have all these aspirations but can't get them started. Like a lawn mower who doesn't feel like starting on the first or even the second pull of the wire. I keep sitting and dreaming out my window, placing myself as a leaf on the tree across the road. Wanting to not wake up from my thick dreams, waving in the crisp cold breeze. But here I am still. I always am. I need to do things, my dreams I can live in them with no thinking. I can spend a week in my head, just pacing around or dancing alone with the butterflies that are so large and their wings are translucent purples, oranges, bright red and I can touch them. They don't have feet on the ground, but fly and drift around me. I can hear them breathing, but it sounds more like a song or birds than like we breathe.

I haven't written in quite some time...almost a month. I just heard this song on the radio and wanted to get it up here. I don't actually Like the Flaming Lips. Never cared for them. This song I didn't even really like, aside from the lyrics and the singer's voice.

Do you realize
That you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize
We're floating in space?
Do you realize
That happiness makes you cry?
Do you realize
That everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your good-byes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Isn't that beautiful? Maybe you have to actually Hear it? I wrote down the lyrics and then looked them up online to make sure I got them right. Now Juno's on. Yaayyy. My cube stinks like fucken burnt popcorn because I can't seem to EVER cook popcorn in a microwave corretly. Weird, eh? I should go back to workworkwork. It's going really good now, I love that I can sit here undisturbed and just plod away. So good. Will be Radical to get outta town for four days! Oooh, I can't wait! I'll be sure to write about it when I get back...good times, for sure.

You know what's my new peeve? It is fucking cold out, but it's not raining. I can't skate after werk because the fucken sun has gone down. I don't have a car so it's not convenient to go to rain schitty. If it were wet & snowy, I could snowboard. If it were summertime, I could skate. BUT ITS NOT EITHER. Fuck this shite. I have my board at work but I'm too not-caught-up to leave and go skate for lunch. When I transfer out of Ride, and I have more freedom with my schedule, I'd like to go play on the wooden ramps like twice a week, at least. That would be such a nice break from work!

It's Halloween. Can we say big fat wheee? I like bats and devils and evil little crawly creatures, but I hate costumes. I have always sucked at thinking of "what to be" so I decided awhile ago to fuk that. Much happier now. I gotta get my shit together for tomorrow so I can go eat dinner and go get beers. I don't wanna watch tv tonight or go to bed early. (ok, too early?). I don't know what I want.

Kung fu was fun tonight. I am starting to feel stronger with my stances and blocks. Kicking is still not my strength, but it's fun. It feels weird, so many of the things we do with our bodies that aren't natural, but give an inner power somehow. Aaaah I can't write anymore I need to go eat and drink and be merry.

Ahh, total relaxation sets in. Mind is free and wandering...exploring thoughts that are usually supressed. Not the kind of supression that is because of the fear behind the thought of emancipating, but the holding back of thoughts because I don't want to give them a half-ass effort. I love travelling through my mind. The things coming up, for this winter, are getting me all bright and poppy inside. I love winter because *snowboard*, and I love exploration. Going to new mountains, or ones I don't know that well, excite me. Although I will always love Alpental and Whistler and Stevens, I tire of going there when it is a mediocre day. But if I'm somewhere new, with so much terrain and turns and trees to explore, I can have fun on a groomer day.

Ah, the whine..OF COURSE I can have fun any day! I have fun in the rain. I have fun on ice (sometimes. now, that is a whiney situation.) I get worried of my weekends filling up because I like to be free for other things that come up like, spur-of-the-moment sort of things. Like, hey it dumped and we're all taking off in the morning. Oh man I'm all jittery just thinking about how bad I want it to snow!!

And sooo tired tonight. It's 9:24 and I could just pass the F out. Think I will. It feels good to not have a pile of things on my mind. This week has been a good one, I feel like I'm on a nice smooth road with large windows that take in the scenery and I have a mind that is not clogged so communication inside myself and to the outside world is easier. Sometimes I feel all flustered with just trying to understand my self and why my brain is even in me at all, and then I have to turn around and do things like interact with others. Weird.

And I feel so happy about Brian. For what seemed to me like a long time, I was dating guys and not finding something that felt solid. I was fluttering around and not even thinking that I was coming close to what I needed. I like the feeling of security. I really think that it helps me stabilize something inside me. I wonder if that has to do with how I was brought up? Or how I was with friends growing up? Because everyone is different, some people like to be single and don't worry about dating. Some people like dating, but know they are fine on their own and don't sweat it either way. And then some people don't feel good unless they are with someone. Of Course there are many other ways people can be. Those are just my main categories I go by in distinguishing how people deal. I think that I am comfortable with being in a good, healthy, loving relationship and like my sense of standing on my own and still being myself. In the past I have thrown myself into someone, and died inside as a result. The feeling I get with him, about us - it sends my emotions reeling into all sorts of fun and bright colors and things that conjur up laughter, smiles. It's warm hugs and positive reinforcement. I love it so much, I can honestly say that it is something completely new for me. I am just So Very Happy inside that I feel ready. I am ready, and am excited for what's in my future. I don't dread learning about him, for fear of finding out he's a freak or has issues.

Now I go to bed. Warm soft blankets and lots of pillows and my kitty on my chest, murmuring loves and purrs and drooling on me out of sheer joy. Night.

Fog is crawling on hands and knees, like a toddler around the buildings outside my window. Thick as swamp mud, it creates new visions of the tall silent giants. Full of mornings; coffee smells and tired eyes, hangovers and chatterboxes trying to get used to today. Buildings in this city are sometimes beautiful art but other times ugly expressionless blocks of cement and windows, only serving their purpose to have elevators and rooms. In this mysterious fog however, they are looking at each other through slanted eyes. Not on alert, but seeing like we do. They are free to expression because they are not so much on display as usual, they are not visibile the whole way around and therefore can breathe. People can't see this. People go about in their cars, finding their parking lots and doorways to life. The buildings stand above them, for a few hours - or at least until the fog lifts - they can emminate feeling into the moist air. Whatever they choose. Older ones push confusion and mis-sights into people's eyes. Younger, more attractive buildings breathe dreams into lovers reach, the fog has no limits. They are no longer part of the scene, but helping create it.

But this Fog, it prevents sight. I cannot tell if the sun is rising, or blaring above my head. Gray is changing the colors of everything to just drab. Trees are still sleeping, the birds don't know to wake them up yet. Preventing my view past the freeway outside my apartment, I cannot see the lake and the hill or even the Space Needle. It appears I am on an island where I-5 is the border. The businesses in the big buildings aren't worried about their reports or meetings - their only concern as of 8am is making it through the fog. Don't get eaten by the drab, stay alive! In this weather it is easy to get sucked into bed; warm covers and sweet soft light lulling you back to sleep.

It's lovely creativity floating through me, with the fog in my eyes. I can see only four blocks away in every direction and I love the feeling of cold, expect the feeling of unstability outside because this town wants normalcy. The weather her is anything but. People complain when it's not sunny - or sunny but not warm. Not all of them; some revel in the changes and it gives them energy. People like me, who welcome the seasons and tire of the warmth, the too much sunny days and not enough rainstorms, lightening, and snow in the mountains.

Tired today. Been tired for awhile. What's the reason? Sometimes I think I'm overwhelmed, but really I should be handling me ok. Maybe I just think I'm used to the work I do but really I'm still adjusting. Whatever the reason, energy levels have been kinda down.

Other than that, things are good. Having fun at work, keeping stress down as much as I can. Been hanging out with Brian all the time and having a great time. Too tired to write about it much now, but hip-happy inside. Like the things we go do, like to make plans and love waking up next to him every morning. So cozy. So lovey. It's pretty much like, whatever we have planned is fun. So I don't dread anything, I don't wish things like "aww, I kinda wanna stay home" or stuff like that. It's good.

Need to go work now...want to take a nap. Zzzz. Begonia wants to play. I love my kitty. She's so well-mannered, and I know she hates it that I work. From the second I come home to whenever I leave, she's right there. It's probably because we live up on the tenth floor, so she doesn't really have much else going on, but she still likes to hang out by my side. When we live in a house or somewhere she can go exploring or hunting outside, she's a little more picky on when we can hang out. I'm sad she can't go hunting. I want the next place I live in to have somewhere for Begonia to go outside, even if it's just a deck. I'm so picky for my little picky girl.

Today started off so weird. I woke up and stumbled out of the bed, out of the warm covers and soft pillows; into the hot shower and my dreams still floating by my eyes. It was the haziest I've ever been for so long after waking up. I didn't feel like talking because I felt like everything was dripping through seratonin running through my thoughts. Does that make sense? Nothing really made sense until about 10:20am. It wasn't like I was going to pass out and I wasn't even all that tired, more just trying to grab my thoughts out of the air and think again. Different than hangovers that are void of comprehension - more like seeing dreams and hearing my thoughts without consciously doing so.

And then today dragged on. Tonight is nice, watching the sunset and wondering where B is. Gin and I talked about doing kung-fu so that would be fun! I'm all relaxed and feeling good after eating yummy swimming rama. Mmmm, rama-riffic!

I love the Wilco album that I absolutely had to buy with Brian, after we saw their documentary. If you haven't heard the album or seen the movie, do both. Soon. I can listen to it over and over and over and I'm listening to it right Now, ha! Just got back from a Guttermouth show...it was pretty fun. Today was Friday, I had a doctor's appointment after work and immediately after that I came home and started deep-cleaning of The Kitchen. No reason, except that it has really been getting to me that our apartment wasn't cleaned before we moved in. That would usually fully gross me out except that we know our landlord, so it made it less gross. I cleaned out the cabinets, washed all the cupboard doors, etc. In the midst of it all, in my pj's at 7pm (I was cruizin'), my boss calls me to say she has an extra ticket to the show. So I figure what the hell, and go. Didn't need to but whatever. Now I'm home, listening to music that makes me think of Brian, and wishing we could cuddle on the couch.

Instead, I get Melissa time and I feel completely at ease. Tomorrow after skating I hope to get the base of that canvas done. Jackie Chan gave me this hugemongous canvas that was abandoned at her building. Vast amounts of space to be covered, more than I have ever tackled. I'm into details, and that thing is so big I can only hope for beautiful shapes and color combinations. I'm sure it will be along the lines of what I usually do...I'm pretty comfortable with my style and for some time have been too hard on myself to stray from that.

Distance has a way of making Love understandable -
My mind is filled with silvery stars - Honey kisses clouds of love...

I have been in the best mood and don't want to stop. I wish my mind would slow from 100 frames per second to like 20. Imagination stirring like thick taffy, colors blending but slowly and changing into different textures - like something out of Willy Wonka's factory. I can taste the happiness, see the visions of the future so bright I can't help but smile and let it fill me entirely. I have met someone who meets all nine of my needs. Yes, I have a list. Over the years since I was 17, I've kept a list of what I need and what I want from someone. It has come down to these nine things, which if requested I will post but surely I don't need to. Do you know what this means for me? Heart strings being pulled, stars singing to me from the sky and the best thing is my mind feels at ease. I love it. Love love love, you - me.

a diamond at the bottom of a puddle
did you ever stare at the moon - 'til you saw double?
i hear you walk away from trouble.
good love, there ain't no denyin'
bad love - somebody ain't trying...
did you ever walk someplace, just to take time?
or take the fast road & get going
and then the rules break - there's no mistake
these are the precious times

I know I've been told he's cheesey but I LIKE evan dando. There I said it - right out loud in my blog.

we got mountains, we got peaches
we got love that makes us mad, love that has to teach us...
i looked in a fryin' pan, sang a song
i looked at a dying man - he sang along.

So sue me. I like punk, I like rock. But I also like the emotions brought out from words put together that draw more images than just wanting to move your body and feel the noise. I like to want to be somewhere else, to drift off to memories and be reminded of things I pushed down. The things that I don't bring to my own attention.

Me, again. Me losing my mind while eating spaghetti, in awe of my life right now. It was such a short time ago that I felt down about myself, in so many ways. Tired of me, tired of the same cycles coming around but not sure of how to put on the brakes. I don't usually write about such personal topics, but this guy I met is absolutely the best. The feelings I've been having for the past couple weeks...it just blows me away. To feel like trusting again, to want the closeness I was scared of opening myself up to. So comfortable, and so easy to slip into dreams of moving forward. The future is open, never certain but with a positive mindframe I know that anything is possible. Seriously, I can't remember the last time I was so excited about what's going to happen next. I've been sleeping like a rock, I've been motivated to get out more and stop treating my body, my self - like shit. It's absolutely awesome.

Do I sound sappy enough? Well, it's true and I'm not afraid to talk about it. I won't pretend like I'm not feeling on top of the world. Hah!

And more good things - I found out that I got the position at work I've been wanting. (shhh! It's a secret!!) So I'm excited to move out of poo-dung position and finally have some responsibility, something better to do than sit at my desk and think of everywhere else I'd rather be at the moment...

Cheers!

Hello Blog. What's new with you? It looks like you've been avoiding me because you are preoccupied with someone else - is this rumour true?

What if I talked like that to my blog? What if my blog came to life and talked back? Would we all be on acid or would it be the final free-ing of all things inanimate...The things I ponder at work. Another inquiry: when am I winning the lottery, damit! It would be so nice to not be stuck in this rut anymore. God please grant me the patience it will take to fill in this hole I've dug.

I totally can't concentrate. Think I need some center of axis, the spinning is slow but it still isn't enough for me to pass by these windows, catching glimpses of things I want to touch and feel and experience before -woosh- they're turning around again and all I can do is watch as they leave and put in a hope to see them again. When did my mind start this random warbling? As far as I can remember, things occupy my mind-space. Dreams so vivid I can bring them to life, aspirations that have either passed or are still being expected - and somehow they remain on my list of things to do, unaccomplished. Too much? My drive is there, I like to do so much. But is there a need for finishing it all? I sometimes do, and sometimes don't - hope that I'll knock some of the things off my list. But what would I leave? Time outdoors? Energy spent on drawing? Brain cells generating the random nothings that sometimes build into somethings? Ah, I can't decide. But that's the best part - I don't have to!

Please remove your seatbelt and move about the cabin. Your captain has now decided to completely fuck off today and enter the world of make-believe. Auto-pilot has been advised.

Goddamnit work is killing me right now. I fucking had to leave a conference call meeting thing today so that I could go puke. I am SO over puking. I can't wait to get the fuck out of Dodge this weekend and let my mind have a break. Why was I cursed with such a shitty hangover? I didn't drink that much, I went to bed okay...Damit.

I want candy and I can't find any and I am Big Wah who wants to go home. I think I will....

Right now I am floating through life. Not much aim, little fuel left to push me along. Easily swayed by emotion and tired of thinking every little thought that enters my mind.

It's too hard to wonder how I went from ten years ago to now - and how the pieces fit together but yet I still hate myself sometimes and I still feel like I have so much potential sometimes, too. I don't like hating myself. Waking up and seeing someone I'm tired of looking at, living in the same place with the same brain talking me through my every move. It could be poetry, it could be beautiful but right now it's all cobwebs that are stuck to each other. I can't clean them off, I can't chase away the hauntings of thoughts that pollute my blue skies. It would be easy to slip away and not exist somehow; but even when I think about that I think about what it would be like when I come back and what the hell would I tell people? That I moved to Europe? Surely they would ask me how it was - and I can't lie. I can't pretend I've been to a whole continent when I barely know what's outside of where I am now. My comfort zones are cramped but I can't branch out of my own window.

Sometimes I think I'll draw, or write poetry. But it's too much effort. And I can't expect someone else to reach out a hand to pull me out. This story is all about me, this time I spend is how I choose to. Looking around I have things that I want, things that I like. I have friends to call that would love to hear from me and go out for a bit. But -

Oh shit there's so much going on in my fucking head. I don't want to die, I want to fucking be over with these feelings. I want to rise up above this and do some things. Motivation, where did you go? It's easy when I'm at work, the people I work with are great and it's easy to focus on - duh - work. But I come home and want to go out so bad but I end up with nothing when that happens.

I'm rambling. Wish I could count the times that happens. I should change this to "melissa's random ramblings."

i wish that you would move to the sun
cause you're like diggin' holes in thin air
and we know that can't be done
i wish that you would cheat with someone
cause you're like diggin holes in water
and we know that can't be done
bravery and stupidity go hand in hand
i guess that makes me the bravest man
i was quick to learn but slow to understand
well, what can you do
my theories are borrowed from somewhere else
and i never had too many to talk about
but you were real quick, you were quick to point out
well, that was borrowed too

Fuck people who aren't honest. With others and with themselves. It's just too fucked up that someone can be selfish enough to not see the people they are seeing as real people with feelings and have cares and the ability to love.

you need a permit if you're gonna build shit
and you can't get one so nothing gets built
and your house is standing on a foot and a half of silt

I hate alcohol and I hate drinking. I like drinking, alcohol hates me. One or the other. Sometimes both. My friend, I need a new group of people to hang out with. Good morals, fun-loving, down to earth kind of people. It's not that I don't have friends, but I need to unsubscribe myself from a whole bunch of them. Tired of feeling like shit, tired of going nowhere. Need positive thinking and the like.

Very hungry, very much want dragonfish. Where's Yang? Please send ESP message to ms.Yang requesting arrival at house so we can Eat Sushi in mass quantities. Mmmmm Yum! Tired need food can't write must generate brain cells soon. lates.

What a week. Catching the 6:55 all week Sucks and I came home last night and, in the middle of a phone conversation, had to excuse myself because I was literally having a nap-attack. Passed out face down on the couch for almost three hours. But last night was great! My friend Casey's band (other than Pedro) - Seldom - played at the Paradox along with some other good bands. I was expecting to just see like, Yuuki (since he's in the band) and maybe Mike (since...he said he would be there). Usually at their shows, I'm in the corner hanging out and talking to myself. But my buddy from work came with, which could have been weird because I don't think he really listens to emo - plus the situation fast turned me into miss social-butterfly. Mark and Craig showed up which was just awesome! My head was spinning from downing some beer too fast next door, so I stumble out of the bar to find my friends from highschool there and I was just flabbergasted. Ecstatic. Stoked! The only thing I could do was revert to blabbering idiot mode and laugh until I had tears coming out of my eyes from all the stories and shit-talking going on. It was great. I forgot how good we all are at making fun of each other. It was strange because they're all into smoking pot now and I don't really do that much, but they don't drink as much as me; there's just something different about the mindstate you're in when you're stoned vs. drunk - and all the stipulations that come with both.

The show was good...I like going to Casey's shows but not all too often because to me, a lot of their songs sound the same. After the show was out, it took me like a half-hour to say my goodbyes, then J and I rolled out to Jack's to meet up with my boss and her friends. Lord help me, I had three whiskey-cokes. Did NOT need to do that, my head kinda feels like rocks. Since returning from "detox" (melissa style), I've been trying to keep my drinking under control. I think I did pretty well last night although at some point I noticed how I yap yap yap and don't shut up. I hope I don't sound too stupid when I go into auto-pilot like that. If I can get through today without throwing up from drinking too much, or at least not go out - - oh what am I talking about!! Since 11am I've wanted to get bloody mary's at Linda's and that's totally what I'm about to do when I get done with this. Bloody Marys are one of the best cures for any level hangover, at least for me.

Have finished what I need to do all weekend and am trying to find someone to go surf with tomorrow but I really doubt that's going to happen. I don't feel like heading out solo, but need to go before it gets too cold. Would be nice to make it up to La Push soon.

Time for a BM (ha, ha. Not a bowel movement you retard!) - Linda's here I come!

Since last time:
Mexico (most recent)
Still drinking (but not as much - quantity)
Uhhh....

Mexico: Got a free trip to Mexico with one catch: watch a 15-year-old party her ass of while you're down there (no parents). Yeah, it was fun. But yeah, I remembered why I don't want to have kids yet. Whew. I re-lived the days of not knowing how to drink slowly, what puking uncontrollably is like, and not knowing (some)what of what goes on in a man's head. Through the eyes of this girl. Oh lord, on our last day she did 15 shots of tequila. Someone just mentioned tequila the other day at work and I swear I gagged and had to put on my headphones to block out the thought of the billiards hall with their 5 peso shots. EW!

Still drinking: Is this really news? Up until leaving the country, I was on a rage. Woooo! Beer all the freakin' time! Well, not anymore. Since I had to play "parent" (yeah right) for a week, I had a nice detox session. Yeah, I still drank a little but I swear I didn't go very far past the initial buzz. So now I am on day 3 of being back and not concerned in the slightest that happy hour is underway without me.

I skated today. Something that sucks, at least for me, is that when I drink so much I am consumed by it. I forget to head right out of the ferry line after work and go straight to the bars. Instead of spending time feeling good, being active and having fun with friends outside, I choose to hang out at a bar (which might be outside, but still sitting down) and eat cigarettes and drown my liver all night. Wake up and repeat until dead in the face.

So I'm feeling pretty damn good. Being more alert and productive at work which is Good because the Busy Season will be upon us so soon! I'm almost scared of it. Frightened of the thought that - gasp! - I might have to snowboard on the weekends like a Normal Person! Aaaahhh! There is a chance of working four 10's but I can't start thinking that now or I'll have a mental breakdown when it doesn't happen.

Completely forgot about my 100-things list. Started it but it's sitting in a book at my work, I think I'm on like 38 or something. It will get done. It's actually fun because it forces me to think about things that I don't usually relate to ME. Things I push out of my mind, used to be proud of, or happened so long ago I've written them off as someone else's doings. So, it will be an entertaining time for all when I get it up.

I really super bad need to do laundry. You are very happy to be sitting somewhere besides right next to me right now. Adios.

I would really like to have some pictures of toy robots. Digital, for my website. Dunno why, just sounds like something fun to play with. Play with? They're not tangible if they're only on your computer! Yeah...I know.

So I just saw on a couple people's blogs a list of 100 things about them. Since I'm grounded today I think I'll start one and see how far I get. I think I need to order a pizza. MMMmmmm. Food is good. Right now I think I need to just concentrate on generating brain cells. Maaah! Yesterday was a ton 'o fun. I was too shaky (why?) to skate much, but I had fun. I can't believe that the Bainbridge ferry is cheaper than Vashon! I'm calling bullshit on that. I rolled in on pool coping, which was totally not scary. I wonder why I don't drop in? It's like I'm waiting for someone to do it for me, but that's not possible.

It's so cold in here I'm shivering. Yay for August in Seattle! I go order food to be delivered now. Hope that I can finish my 100-things list.

Day 2:
I'm doing great! Went to bed at 11 last night, which was fabulous. All day I did so much and didn't need to take five smoke breaks...

Tonight I hope to change the layout of my website. Think I'll order a pizza. Think that will help get me going? Or maybe just make me broke. Man I love living so close to food that I can walk to stores. I haven't done anything besides work and I'm NOT talking about Work on this thing. Not worth it. Imma go eatin' now.

Dear whoeverreads myblog:
I have a drinking problem. This whole month, I have only been notdrunk six times. I have tried not drinking that much, pacing myself, bringing only cash/not buying - and I end up getting drunk, drunker, and before I know it I'm massively hungover and not feeling good about my Self. I am making this post to start my non-drinking binge. Going to be making an effort to post regularly and keep track of how much fun I'm having Not Drinking. Today I'm going to hang out with my cat and watch PPV TV. Go to the store and buy some decent food, for once. Enough of living off of Hot Mama's $1.50 pizza slices and Linda's fries. It's getting gross that I wake up smelling like a stinky bar and beer seeping out of my pores every morning. It's lame that I start coming around at 12noon every day, after I've had a coffee, maybe a coke, and trying to sop up the beer in my stomach with potato chips.

So, there marks the beginning. My parents have been warning me not to drink, because I went through a really low depression - and how I dealt with it was to drink. And I haven't quite come out of it yet, so I might slip back down when I'm not drinking. But I do have a great network of friends that support my not-drinking. That want to hang out and not get utterly wasted, rendered useless.

Okaye! So that's done. Now, am I supposed to work? UG on work. I went skating last night, the first time in 3 weeks. It was fun, but I was really out of it because I haven't done anything active for so long. My whole body was shaking, I had to stretch out. But I got back into it. I hope we get to hit Newburg this week...

I just made a blog and tried to post it and the darn thing froze. Fuck this shit. If you know me, you know what I was going to say anyway.