Yarrr...captain longbeard here. We're opening the hatchets, throwing the kitty out the window and leaving garbage on our neighbor's stoop. Yarrr.....!

All kitty wants is Attention! Look at me, I have work to do and my mind is sucking on code right now. MMm, that feels like soup. So the kitty will sit on my lap, occasionally putting a paw up on my keyboard. She likes to know that she is numero uno in whatever might be going on with me at the moment. For her benefit, I have moved her throne so she may lounge freely right next to me. Eyes glued on fingers of mine typing, she is in wonder of all I do. Or maybe that's just my side of that story.

This weekend I am so looking forward to! For a fleeting moment there was thought of heading north to the great land of the W-B (read: sooperpipe!). But that was just a play. Tonight, we head east to another great land, this time the one of Mission Ridge. A new adventure - my favorite! There will be friends there, some foods to eat, beers to be a-drunk....And of course the good times! What a life I live. Nothing is more satisfying than being happy and content with what you have in your life. I am going to try to complain less. I KNOW! It's been a habit since forever, probably since before I was born, I had a different opinion. Let's try to lighten the mental load and venture into the - I don't know what to call it. Venture into the place in my mind where I am in the Now? Hm. Guess I should need to think about that one. But I am going to make that effort. One shitty thing about that, is I will be the only one who can note my defeats or conquerings. As you heard, I am not saying I will cut them out completely. More like, watch how often negative things spew out. Let them stay in me, some. This is something so one-sided. Many arguments, objections, exceptions come up even as I type this.

So, let's change the subject! I have made an announcement, so let's just see where it goes, ok?

I am going to go make some yummy eggs and eat avocado on toast. Cheers, Blog!

I know it's coming - the rush of work that will consume me like I wish for; but until then, I will sit cozy and refreshen my Flash abilities and search for code I need to build new things.

And I LovE listening to Coldplay - song about Green Eyes is so beautiful, like the times in highschool when I would hear Radiohead and think all sorts of thoughts at once, thinking how pure and real and sure I was about standing on my own, about loving. Good music makes my day, it makes any day. The soundtrack to my life...

Cause I came here with a load, and it feels so much lighter, since I met you. Honey you should know, that I could never go.on.without you.

I love this year more than any time in my life, and it's still just getting started. How great is that? Great!!

I have the most supportive boyfriend, ever. For all the times that I've heard about people being happy in relationships and wondered what it would feel like to want to just Be with someone when I was younger; now I know. My heart is content, it leaps in joy and laughter when I am with my honey. It's true! I can't get enough peeks of us in pictures together and feeling warm fuzzies when he smiles at me like so. And the future is so Bright! I love to think of us taking trips - around the world and even just out to the coast. There is nowhere that I would want to travel without him. Another thing, that I always wanted to find but had never put a face on who I would do it with until now, is going shopping at places to buy paint for the walls in our house, or to buy some matching glasses for the kitchen. I want to buy a house together - do you know that although secretly I have always wished to do that, I was doubting it would happen? Not that someone wouldn't want to, but more like I wouldn't want to with them. Us finding each other, I think, is pure wonderful luck. Or something close to that...hard to describe. Very special and I feel so lucky to be at the right time and feel so right about him and us.

There are things that I get frustrated with inside myself. I don't understand why he says there aren't things about me that bother him. How?? I know that he loves me, but I don't think that that is the reason for him saying that. Now, I don't think that for things to bother him, that he wants to change me - but those things would be OK, too. Am I scary to approach? God, I just realized I don't think I've been this open about my personal relationships Ever, and especially online too. Are you reading this? Do you feel like you're snooping. Ok, fine. Don't stop reading then. See if I care! Ha.

So, what I was saying is that I don't know if I'm that intimidating to approach because I am so harsh, or if there really is nothing. Why can't there be something that he wished I do less, or changed the way I do it? I can't be perfect. I'm not. I don't give him all the love he neeeds. He likes things like snuggling, and sweet things being said. I am guilty of not giving those things enough. It makes me sad inside. Was it something about how my parents brought me up? Why do I feel de-tuned? I am going to see a counselor next week, voluntarily, and think it will be good. I want to make a list of things I want to talk about, and make some goals. Those, I think, I want to define after I start seeing her (like the first day, maybe) so that I can see what it is that is most important, or what I'd want to focus on.

I want to be able to quit my job. So I can have all the time in the world to lounge about and eat truffles, watch Invader Zim and snuggle my honey. Though my work is very satisfying, I like the interaction with people and my yearning for learning is on the Up here - I never feel like I have enough Time to show B how special he is to me. I wish that we could travel the world, endlessly, covering trails and paved roads, wandering through towering, ancient buildings...watching the world grow around us. With only the two of us, in turn, each sending love to the other's heart. My soul is in love, I cannot type this color that is flowing through me. I cannot verbalize, form words out of these thoughts.

What it boils down to is this: sometimes I wish my mind was a big screen so you could see the little electrons bumping off each other in there, where my thoughts are going after they are created and how they were birthed. Then I wouldn't have to explain myself.

None of this is making sense right now. Right now I am tired, I don't want to work. I want to go home and snuggle with my Lovey and not have to talk. I want us to communicate on a thought-level. I can't think right now. This is all yammering. Maybe I am big WAH right now? Nah, I don't know what I would be for. Except I reeeeeally want a foods. Don't know what kind. I think I will try to read this new sequel table. *FUN*!! haha.

I just had the strangest sensation run swiftly through my brain.

I'm very much looking forward to yoga tonight. It's something that I have been wanting to try, and hopefully take up, for some years. Tonight should be fun because there is a group of us going (B included!) and I feel more at ease, less self-conscious when I'm not alone. At least with new things. So, I was thinking about what it might be like, how great it's going to feel, etc. and my head is just feeling very good this week. Tempermentally, I have been on the UP. Not much bogging me down or running me in emotional circles. What I start thinking is, wow - wouldn't it be nice to be this laid back and thoughtless more often? I had visions of myself going to a counselor and keeping up with yoga and kung fu - and it hit me. I'm not looking for a Thing that will release me. This IS me. Not that I haven't realized this before, or tried to deny it. But when I get the remembrance, the solid rush of something so...Human...rushing through me, I can't just brush it away.

Nothing seems to hold my short attention span, in terms of activities. People do, long-term plans do. But part of me just keeps seeking the next level of accomplishment, the thing that will cure me of my emotions that get tangled, get into arguments with each other and cause me to Feel. My real goal is to just enjoy life - I love so much of Me and everything that I have been blessed with. It's true - I have so much good in my life, it's disgusting to hear me ever complain. But my brain! It doesn't like to feel the things that go through me, and I never seem to have reins on them. So I plod on through life, having my times. It's good.

Needless to say, I am looking forward to yoga tonight. If it's something we enjoy, it would be nice to go regularly with B. I'm going to keep going with my day - that feeling I just described, it went through me in about 30 seconds and I think it has taken me ten minutes to type it out.

Something very strange is happening. Last night I had a dream that I was at a Mary Lou Lord concert, because she had a new album out. She sounded different, like teen pop or something. She was dressed in pink taffeta shirt with sparkly butterflies on it and black fishnet stockings. Nothing that I would actually expect to see her in, but that's what she was wearing. In real life, I actually have one of her albums. Maybe the only one she did? But John just played "speedy motorcycle" - by yo La Tengo but Mary Lou Lord sang that on her album and it was like part of my dream was being played again in my mind, hearing that. Spooky.

In other news, I'm excited it's Friday because that means adventures are abound for the weekend! What will we dream up to do - and what will actually happen? Satellite shows precipitation coming our way - sooner than we had expected, as well. Sounds good to me! But if it doesn't snow I hope to do some skatebording and lounging, having good company.

Ah, what a breath of fresh air it was to ride my bike home this morning. Wasn't aware it was 33 degrees out! So I'm awake now. Where should Holli and I go to eat?

Harrooow! And welcome to the new year. I'm back at work, and it's sort of hard to keep my mind on task because I keep thinking of things I want to do when I move into a house. Gardening, cooking, furniture I can buy. Not like I have money to do that now, or should be looking at where to live. Places don't seem to stay on the market for too long here, for rentals at least. And I really hope to move into a house. Or something with more of a yard than I had in Ballardo.

Well, not much to talk about because there is a sueper extreme lack of snow. It's all sheet-ice up there and not too much fun as we found out on Monday. This weekend we were expecting to make it up to Mission and finally use our passes, but forget that. It hasn't snowed and even though the freezing level is going back down, there ain't no precip expected for the next 4 days, at least. I'm hoping to go up to Orcas and ride there or maybe PDX and Newburg. Something! Skating was so so fun last weekend - why do I dork and forget to go out & skate when it's dry? Durr...

Ok here comes an experiment:
My work now has a cafeteria. Today will be my first time, ever, to eat at the "new" cafeteria. Report soon to follow....

How nice it was this morning to go out on a bikeride! The fog was crawling through everywhere, everything was illuminated by glow of steam and sun.

And my honey love comes home today. How long the time was, and how slow it went but yet today here he comes! I think it would have been easier for me, if I didn't feel so sick and out of it all week. I have all these aspirations but can't get them started. Like a lawn mower who doesn't feel like starting on the first or even the second pull of the wire. I keep sitting and dreaming out my window, placing myself as a leaf on the tree across the road. Wanting to not wake up from my thick dreams, waving in the crisp cold breeze. But here I am still. I always am. I need to do things, my dreams I can live in them with no thinking. I can spend a week in my head, just pacing around or dancing alone with the butterflies that are so large and their wings are translucent purples, oranges, bright red and I can touch them. They don't have feet on the ground, but fly and drift around me. I can hear them breathing, but it sounds more like a song or birds than like we breathe.

I haven't written in quite some time...almost a month. I just heard this song on the radio and wanted to get it up here. I don't actually Like the Flaming Lips. Never cared for them. This song I didn't even really like, aside from the lyrics and the singer's voice.

Do you realize
That you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize
We're floating in space?
Do you realize
That happiness makes you cry?
Do you realize
That everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your good-byes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Isn't that beautiful? Maybe you have to actually Hear it? I wrote down the lyrics and then looked them up online to make sure I got them right. Now Juno's on. Yaayyy. My cube stinks like fucken burnt popcorn because I can't seem to EVER cook popcorn in a microwave corretly. Weird, eh? I should go back to workworkwork. It's going really good now, I love that I can sit here undisturbed and just plod away. So good. Will be Radical to get outta town for four days! Oooh, I can't wait! I'll be sure to write about it when I get back...good times, for sure.

You know what's my new peeve? It is fucking cold out, but it's not raining. I can't skate after werk because the fucken sun has gone down. I don't have a car so it's not convenient to go to rain schitty. If it were wet & snowy, I could snowboard. If it were summertime, I could skate. BUT ITS NOT EITHER. Fuck this shite. I have my board at work but I'm too not-caught-up to leave and go skate for lunch. When I transfer out of Ride, and I have more freedom with my schedule, I'd like to go play on the wooden ramps like twice a week, at least. That would be such a nice break from work!

It's Halloween. Can we say big fat wheee? I like bats and devils and evil little crawly creatures, but I hate costumes. I have always sucked at thinking of "what to be" so I decided awhile ago to fuk that. Much happier now. I gotta get my shit together for tomorrow so I can go eat dinner and go get beers. I don't wanna watch tv tonight or go to bed early. (ok, too early?). I don't know what I want.

Kung fu was fun tonight. I am starting to feel stronger with my stances and blocks. Kicking is still not my strength, but it's fun. It feels weird, so many of the things we do with our bodies that aren't natural, but give an inner power somehow. Aaaah I can't write anymore I need to go eat and drink and be merry.

Ahh, total relaxation sets in. Mind is free and wandering...exploring thoughts that are usually supressed. Not the kind of supression that is because of the fear behind the thought of emancipating, but the holding back of thoughts because I don't want to give them a half-ass effort. I love travelling through my mind. The things coming up, for this winter, are getting me all bright and poppy inside. I love winter because *snowboard*, and I love exploration. Going to new mountains, or ones I don't know that well, excite me. Although I will always love Alpental and Whistler and Stevens, I tire of going there when it is a mediocre day. But if I'm somewhere new, with so much terrain and turns and trees to explore, I can have fun on a groomer day.

Ah, the whine..OF COURSE I can have fun any day! I have fun in the rain. I have fun on ice (sometimes. now, that is a whiney situation.) I get worried of my weekends filling up because I like to be free for other things that come up like, spur-of-the-moment sort of things. Like, hey it dumped and we're all taking off in the morning. Oh man I'm all jittery just thinking about how bad I want it to snow!!

And sooo tired tonight. It's 9:24 and I could just pass the F out. Think I will. It feels good to not have a pile of things on my mind. This week has been a good one, I feel like I'm on a nice smooth road with large windows that take in the scenery and I have a mind that is not clogged so communication inside myself and to the outside world is easier. Sometimes I feel all flustered with just trying to understand my self and why my brain is even in me at all, and then I have to turn around and do things like interact with others. Weird.

And I feel so happy about Brian. For what seemed to me like a long time, I was dating guys and not finding something that felt solid. I was fluttering around and not even thinking that I was coming close to what I needed. I like the feeling of security. I really think that it helps me stabilize something inside me. I wonder if that has to do with how I was brought up? Or how I was with friends growing up? Because everyone is different, some people like to be single and don't worry about dating. Some people like dating, but know they are fine on their own and don't sweat it either way. And then some people don't feel good unless they are with someone. Of Course there are many other ways people can be. Those are just my main categories I go by in distinguishing how people deal. I think that I am comfortable with being in a good, healthy, loving relationship and like my sense of standing on my own and still being myself. In the past I have thrown myself into someone, and died inside as a result. The feeling I get with him, about us - it sends my emotions reeling into all sorts of fun and bright colors and things that conjur up laughter, smiles. It's warm hugs and positive reinforcement. I love it so much, I can honestly say that it is something completely new for me. I am just So Very Happy inside that I feel ready. I am ready, and am excited for what's in my future. I don't dread learning about him, for fear of finding out he's a freak or has issues.

Now I go to bed. Warm soft blankets and lots of pillows and my kitty on my chest, murmuring loves and purrs and drooling on me out of sheer joy. Night.

Fog is crawling on hands and knees, like a toddler around the buildings outside my window. Thick as swamp mud, it creates new visions of the tall silent giants. Full of mornings; coffee smells and tired eyes, hangovers and chatterboxes trying to get used to today. Buildings in this city are sometimes beautiful art but other times ugly expressionless blocks of cement and windows, only serving their purpose to have elevators and rooms. In this mysterious fog however, they are looking at each other through slanted eyes. Not on alert, but seeing like we do. They are free to expression because they are not so much on display as usual, they are not visibile the whole way around and therefore can breathe. People can't see this. People go about in their cars, finding their parking lots and doorways to life. The buildings stand above them, for a few hours - or at least until the fog lifts - they can emminate feeling into the moist air. Whatever they choose. Older ones push confusion and mis-sights into people's eyes. Younger, more attractive buildings breathe dreams into lovers reach, the fog has no limits. They are no longer part of the scene, but helping create it.

But this Fog, it prevents sight. I cannot tell if the sun is rising, or blaring above my head. Gray is changing the colors of everything to just drab. Trees are still sleeping, the birds don't know to wake them up yet. Preventing my view past the freeway outside my apartment, I cannot see the lake and the hill or even the Space Needle. It appears I am on an island where I-5 is the border. The businesses in the big buildings aren't worried about their reports or meetings - their only concern as of 8am is making it through the fog. Don't get eaten by the drab, stay alive! In this weather it is easy to get sucked into bed; warm covers and sweet soft light lulling you back to sleep.

It's lovely creativity floating through me, with the fog in my eyes. I can see only four blocks away in every direction and I love the feeling of cold, expect the feeling of unstability outside because this town wants normalcy. The weather her is anything but. People complain when it's not sunny - or sunny but not warm. Not all of them; some revel in the changes and it gives them energy. People like me, who welcome the seasons and tire of the warmth, the too much sunny days and not enough rainstorms, lightening, and snow in the mountains.

Tired today. Been tired for awhile. What's the reason? Sometimes I think I'm overwhelmed, but really I should be handling me ok. Maybe I just think I'm used to the work I do but really I'm still adjusting. Whatever the reason, energy levels have been kinda down.

Other than that, things are good. Having fun at work, keeping stress down as much as I can. Been hanging out with Brian all the time and having a great time. Too tired to write about it much now, but hip-happy inside. Like the things we go do, like to make plans and love waking up next to him every morning. So cozy. So lovey. It's pretty much like, whatever we have planned is fun. So I don't dread anything, I don't wish things like "aww, I kinda wanna stay home" or stuff like that. It's good.

Need to go work now...want to take a nap. Zzzz. Begonia wants to play. I love my kitty. She's so well-mannered, and I know she hates it that I work. From the second I come home to whenever I leave, she's right there. It's probably because we live up on the tenth floor, so she doesn't really have much else going on, but she still likes to hang out by my side. When we live in a house or somewhere she can go exploring or hunting outside, she's a little more picky on when we can hang out. I'm sad she can't go hunting. I want the next place I live in to have somewhere for Begonia to go outside, even if it's just a deck. I'm so picky for my little picky girl.

Today started off so weird. I woke up and stumbled out of the bed, out of the warm covers and soft pillows; into the hot shower and my dreams still floating by my eyes. It was the haziest I've ever been for so long after waking up. I didn't feel like talking because I felt like everything was dripping through seratonin running through my thoughts. Does that make sense? Nothing really made sense until about 10:20am. It wasn't like I was going to pass out and I wasn't even all that tired, more just trying to grab my thoughts out of the air and think again. Different than hangovers that are void of comprehension - more like seeing dreams and hearing my thoughts without consciously doing so.

And then today dragged on. Tonight is nice, watching the sunset and wondering where B is. Gin and I talked about doing kung-fu so that would be fun! I'm all relaxed and feeling good after eating yummy swimming rama. Mmmm, rama-riffic!

I love the Wilco album that I absolutely had to buy with Brian, after we saw their documentary. If you haven't heard the album or seen the movie, do both. Soon. I can listen to it over and over and over and I'm listening to it right Now, ha! Just got back from a Guttermouth show...it was pretty fun. Today was Friday, I had a doctor's appointment after work and immediately after that I came home and started deep-cleaning of The Kitchen. No reason, except that it has really been getting to me that our apartment wasn't cleaned before we moved in. That would usually fully gross me out except that we know our landlord, so it made it less gross. I cleaned out the cabinets, washed all the cupboard doors, etc. In the midst of it all, in my pj's at 7pm (I was cruizin'), my boss calls me to say she has an extra ticket to the show. So I figure what the hell, and go. Didn't need to but whatever. Now I'm home, listening to music that makes me think of Brian, and wishing we could cuddle on the couch.

Instead, I get Melissa time and I feel completely at ease. Tomorrow after skating I hope to get the base of that canvas done. Jackie Chan gave me this hugemongous canvas that was abandoned at her building. Vast amounts of space to be covered, more than I have ever tackled. I'm into details, and that thing is so big I can only hope for beautiful shapes and color combinations. I'm sure it will be along the lines of what I usually do...I'm pretty comfortable with my style and for some time have been too hard on myself to stray from that.

Distance has a way of making Love understandable -
My mind is filled with silvery stars - Honey kisses clouds of love...

I have been in the best mood and don't want to stop. I wish my mind would slow from 100 frames per second to like 20. Imagination stirring like thick taffy, colors blending but slowly and changing into different textures - like something out of Willy Wonka's factory. I can taste the happiness, see the visions of the future so bright I can't help but smile and let it fill me entirely. I have met someone who meets all nine of my needs. Yes, I have a list. Over the years since I was 17, I've kept a list of what I need and what I want from someone. It has come down to these nine things, which if requested I will post but surely I don't need to. Do you know what this means for me? Heart strings being pulled, stars singing to me from the sky and the best thing is my mind feels at ease. I love it. Love love love, you - me.

a diamond at the bottom of a puddle
did you ever stare at the moon - 'til you saw double?
i hear you walk away from trouble.
good love, there ain't no denyin'
bad love - somebody ain't trying...
did you ever walk someplace, just to take time?
or take the fast road & get going
and then the rules break - there's no mistake
these are the precious times

I know I've been told he's cheesey but I LIKE evan dando. There I said it - right out loud in my blog.

we got mountains, we got peaches
we got love that makes us mad, love that has to teach us...
i looked in a fryin' pan, sang a song
i looked at a dying man - he sang along.

So sue me. I like punk, I like rock. But I also like the emotions brought out from words put together that draw more images than just wanting to move your body and feel the noise. I like to want to be somewhere else, to drift off to memories and be reminded of things I pushed down. The things that I don't bring to my own attention.

Me, again. Me losing my mind while eating spaghetti, in awe of my life right now. It was such a short time ago that I felt down about myself, in so many ways. Tired of me, tired of the same cycles coming around but not sure of how to put on the brakes. I don't usually write about such personal topics, but this guy I met is absolutely the best. The feelings I've been having for the past couple weeks...it just blows me away. To feel like trusting again, to want the closeness I was scared of opening myself up to. So comfortable, and so easy to slip into dreams of moving forward. The future is open, never certain but with a positive mindframe I know that anything is possible. Seriously, I can't remember the last time I was so excited about what's going to happen next. I've been sleeping like a rock, I've been motivated to get out more and stop treating my body, my self - like shit. It's absolutely awesome.

Do I sound sappy enough? Well, it's true and I'm not afraid to talk about it. I won't pretend like I'm not feeling on top of the world. Hah!

And more good things - I found out that I got the position at work I've been wanting. (shhh! It's a secret!!) So I'm excited to move out of poo-dung position and finally have some responsibility, something better to do than sit at my desk and think of everywhere else I'd rather be at the moment...

Cheers!

Hello Blog. What's new with you? It looks like you've been avoiding me because you are preoccupied with someone else - is this rumour true?

What if I talked like that to my blog? What if my blog came to life and talked back? Would we all be on acid or would it be the final free-ing of all things inanimate...The things I ponder at work. Another inquiry: when am I winning the lottery, damit! It would be so nice to not be stuck in this rut anymore. God please grant me the patience it will take to fill in this hole I've dug.

I totally can't concentrate. Think I need some center of axis, the spinning is slow but it still isn't enough for me to pass by these windows, catching glimpses of things I want to touch and feel and experience before -woosh- they're turning around again and all I can do is watch as they leave and put in a hope to see them again. When did my mind start this random warbling? As far as I can remember, things occupy my mind-space. Dreams so vivid I can bring them to life, aspirations that have either passed or are still being expected - and somehow they remain on my list of things to do, unaccomplished. Too much? My drive is there, I like to do so much. But is there a need for finishing it all? I sometimes do, and sometimes don't - hope that I'll knock some of the things off my list. But what would I leave? Time outdoors? Energy spent on drawing? Brain cells generating the random nothings that sometimes build into somethings? Ah, I can't decide. But that's the best part - I don't have to!

Please remove your seatbelt and move about the cabin. Your captain has now decided to completely fuck off today and enter the world of make-believe. Auto-pilot has been advised.

Goddamnit work is killing me right now. I fucking had to leave a conference call meeting thing today so that I could go puke. I am SO over puking. I can't wait to get the fuck out of Dodge this weekend and let my mind have a break. Why was I cursed with such a shitty hangover? I didn't drink that much, I went to bed okay...Damit.

I want candy and I can't find any and I am Big Wah who wants to go home. I think I will....

Right now I am floating through life. Not much aim, little fuel left to push me along. Easily swayed by emotion and tired of thinking every little thought that enters my mind.

It's too hard to wonder how I went from ten years ago to now - and how the pieces fit together but yet I still hate myself sometimes and I still feel like I have so much potential sometimes, too. I don't like hating myself. Waking up and seeing someone I'm tired of looking at, living in the same place with the same brain talking me through my every move. It could be poetry, it could be beautiful but right now it's all cobwebs that are stuck to each other. I can't clean them off, I can't chase away the hauntings of thoughts that pollute my blue skies. It would be easy to slip away and not exist somehow; but even when I think about that I think about what it would be like when I come back and what the hell would I tell people? That I moved to Europe? Surely they would ask me how it was - and I can't lie. I can't pretend I've been to a whole continent when I barely know what's outside of where I am now. My comfort zones are cramped but I can't branch out of my own window.

Sometimes I think I'll draw, or write poetry. But it's too much effort. And I can't expect someone else to reach out a hand to pull me out. This story is all about me, this time I spend is how I choose to. Looking around I have things that I want, things that I like. I have friends to call that would love to hear from me and go out for a bit. But -

Oh shit there's so much going on in my fucking head. I don't want to die, I want to fucking be over with these feelings. I want to rise up above this and do some things. Motivation, where did you go? It's easy when I'm at work, the people I work with are great and it's easy to focus on - duh - work. But I come home and want to go out so bad but I end up with nothing when that happens.

I'm rambling. Wish I could count the times that happens. I should change this to "melissa's random ramblings."

i wish that you would move to the sun
cause you're like diggin' holes in thin air
and we know that can't be done
i wish that you would cheat with someone
cause you're like diggin holes in water
and we know that can't be done
bravery and stupidity go hand in hand
i guess that makes me the bravest man
i was quick to learn but slow to understand
well, what can you do
my theories are borrowed from somewhere else
and i never had too many to talk about
but you were real quick, you were quick to point out
well, that was borrowed too

Fuck people who aren't honest. With others and with themselves. It's just too fucked up that someone can be selfish enough to not see the people they are seeing as real people with feelings and have cares and the ability to love.

you need a permit if you're gonna build shit
and you can't get one so nothing gets built
and your house is standing on a foot and a half of silt