This is by far the hardest thing I have EVER experienced. I feel like my heart is stuck in a hallway, it wants to open doors that are now locked. And the key has been thrown to the bottom of a deep, deep sea. Probably swallowed by a monster.

I am so sad. Blue, down, cloudy, downtrodden. I can't think of all the adjectives that describe what I am feeling but it's sadness times a million. Heavier than rocks.

I know you tried, I know you're cursed.
I know your best was still your worst.

I'm missing you.

it all came rushing back to me. a big tidal wave, complete with sealife and kelp and things you don't even know what, floating and stirring beneath the surface.

the tidal wave leaves me in the form of tears.

Sunny days. Short skirts. Cold drinks. Flowers blooming. Warm breeze. Flowers. Climbing vines. Longer sunsets. Earlier sunrises. Sunglasses. Flip flops. Sandy beaches. Surfing. Saltwater dried on your face. Sunburns. Outdoor concerts. Beers on the roof.

I have a map of Kauai on my wall, right next to my desk. I love looking at it and thinking about all the places we drove to, snorkeled at, took pictures, had a drink & ate at. Such a fun place to visit!

I want to go back.

And you didn't even notice
When the sky turned blue
And you couldn't tell the difference
Between me and you
And I nearly didn't notice
The gentlest feeling
You are the bluest light

I like this song, it reminds me of walking home in the springtime. Maybe it rained a little bit ago so the air is fresh, smelling of freshly cut grass. The sun is setting and rose, crimson and orange fade into a bright blue that fades back into the dark night sky. I don't know where I'm walking home from in my head but that's what I think of. The first line about shadows (I didn't post) reminds me of being alone in the dark but safe and secure. Ivy climbing over a wall, hanging down mixed with other flowers in my old alley.

It's still fuzzy, like looking in the mirror after getting out of the shower. I can make out shapes and colors but not the exact placement or outlines.

But I'm starting to see

I was in love with who you were

(when we were together)

And now that we're not -

You're not who I love now, you're who I loved.

This is going to sound twisted but I want to write it. Maybe I will come back here in a few months and delete it, embarrassed at myself.

I think Brian is in love with Karolyn. Not sure when it started or turned serious (at least in his mind) but that's what I think. He has owned button-up shirts since I met him. Rarely liked to wear them though. I LOVED him wearing button-ups, always complimented him. He is a good looking person so naturally, you put a nice shirt on him and it looks good. For the last two months or so, he's been really into nice shirts. I started noticing back in May that he would wear a nice shirt when he went out with Karolyn, even if it was just to get a beer or something casual. He'd wear a regular tee when him & I would eat at Machiavelli.

Second act of behavior is his shopping a couple weeks ago. For probably six months, Brian has been complaining of needing new "regular" clothes. I'd been wanting him to buy them! When I made headway on the Coastal site and had store credit, most of it was spent on clothes for him. I had been encouraging him to go clothes-shopping after that, so two weeks ago he asked if I minded that he wanted to go shopping (this is after he said he wanted a divorce), I said to go for it and I didn't care what he spent. Because I don't, and I didn't. He spent nearly $600, which is outstanding for Brian. He used to have a hard time spending $100 on a few things and he bought three pairs of jeans, two over $100/pair. He bought a bunch of nice shirts, too. This is the guy who would walk into Levis and totally debate if he wanted to spend $35 on jeans. Had nothing to do with me, I'd tell him to buy 2 pairs. It's nice to have clothes!

Next thing is his hair. Before Brian started at Mel's and his hair was long, he'd use some product for this reason or that. I liked it, thought it smelled nice, etc etc. Since he'd been keeping his hair short, he pretty much stopped using it. A little while back, and he's started wearing it - when he goes to see Karolyn. Not when he goes to work (maybe once a week). Interesting, no?

About a week after Brian told me he wanted a divorce, I saw him texting and asked what he was doing. He showed me. He was texting Karolyn "Love.", "Love!" and "i love you" - he showed me all three times what he was doing. I used to be what he called love. The fact he said he loved her doesn't mean anything alone (he loves everyone) - it's him calling her Love.

The other thing is just the sheer amount of time they spend together. From Karolyn's perspective (assuming she's not lusting after Brian), I'd be stoked to have someone who's available and willing to go out any time, go on trips, come out to Woodinville and hang out. She has plenty of friends but her and Brian get along, so why not hang out all the time? But from Brian's perspective, he's got a hot girl to hang out with who's fun, has money, they get along - so why not start leaning toward liking her? All the time he was spending with her, he was ignoring and pushing me away. Which made me agitated and "bitchy", so I wasn't fun for him to be around. Even more reason to get closer to Karolyn.

Ah, I just remembered. Since Brian declared divorce we've been talking about how we want to stay friends after the dust settles. As messed up as this sounds, I really like who Brian is as a person and think it would be fun to be able to snowboard with him, see him in a group of people, etc. I've been thinking about what it would be like to see him dating someone because I know that will happen. Just trying to be realistic, right? On three occasions, as we're talking about this, Brian has said "but would you still want to be my friend if I was dating Karolyn?" Not "would you want to be my friend when I have a girlfriend" - specifically K. One of the times he said it, he added "you even said we should date! We get along, have so much in common, and she's so much more easy-going than you are." Yes, I said he should date Karolyn. I said it when we were arguing, throwing barbs at each other and I was completely sick of being compared to Karolyn. I really like and admire her but I don't strive to have her personality or live her lifestyle. I didn't actually mean to suggest they should literally date.

The fuel behind me typing this out is I've been searching so hard for the "why is this happening" answer. He turned off like a light. Yeah the last few months were hard and strange but I was not given the opportunity to change. Brian claims he gave me this chance, but he was on such a short fuse with me he was setting me up to fail. He wouldn't come home on the weekends (Memorial wknd I saw him 6 hours total - he hung out w/K the whole time); and it just doesn't make sense to me that the man who had stars shooting from his eyes for so long about me, about us, so excited to do Everything together - would just toss it to the side. Makes no sense. It's just not in his character and he has himself convinced that he went the fair route. I believe he's waiting for the divorce to be final before he comes out with any of this so nobody judges him. If any of what I'm saying is true, his friends would not be so understanding, and he needs that compassion right now.

That's it. I just wrote so much more than I thought I was going to, and I'm not going to re-read and edit it now b/c I have to go out to meet a friend. Doubt there's more but if there is you know I'll come back and add it.

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

* * * * *
I hate my ipod lately. Too many songs come on that open up the floodgate to the memories of us. Today has been a hard day and it's only half over :(

Happy birthday to me!

I feel like I have moved so far forward, the way my brain processes and my heart talks to me. I know I will grow from this pain and shed my skin like a snake. It will peel off bit by bit, sometimes larger pieces will fall. Sometimes it will pull and I'll feel the pain and other times I will forget where I lost one.

So much love surrounds me. That Death Cab song sings to me, an echo in the background. All is full of Love. It really is. More people have come forward with love and thoughts and caring ears, it's almost too much to bear. Part of me is so numb, then I thaw out and feel and see where I am and remember this is all so true. I am still hurting inside. As much as I am growing and stretching my limbs, there is still stinging.

Maybe there is nothing you can count on besides yourself. Yes, the only thing you can control is yourself but when you enter into marriage, why is that not sacred? We had talked so much about how we would work things out, how we would make it always work out in the end. I thought we were walking down the same road, looking at the same horizon. How was I so deceived? How is it that I can look back on where I was and not be sad that is gone from my eyes? Someone else was looking through those eyes but it was really me. A lot of times I catch my self feeling out of my body. Like I'm floating in my seat. It's kind of a fun feeling but when I know it's coming from the fact my brain is trying to block out, trying to cut off the sensory - I don't like it. I have to come back down like a leaf falling from a tree. I come back slowly, wavering in the air. Then I'm a heavy weight in my seat. Everything drops down into my feet and I don't want to move so I just keep plodding along from where I sit. I type, I look, I phone and think. Lots of sitting, lots of thinking.

Going to bed now. Want to have dreams of somewhere I won't be for a long time.

Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
... who's gonna take the place of me?

No, really. It's over now - really over. He couldn't get away from me fast enough. Seal the deal, movin' on, don't look back. There are so many holes in my heart, so many things I do not understand. Will I one day? Not sure. He says I will.

One year ago was not like this. Never thought I'd be in this position, and here I am. This is the most unexpected thing ever served to me. I'm fuzzy, I'm numb. I'm sad and torn and collapsed. I know it's ok to feel what I feel right now. Yes, one day I will pick up pieces, pick up my life and find a new spot to cozy up. Looking forward to having my own place, that will feel good.

I have to go, I'm at work. This is too hard it's tearing me apart.

I guess this is becoming where I post lyrics that move me? Blogger is a good place for me to empty my thoughts, spread 'em out on the table in an almost tangible way. I'm probably going to post a hundred more songs, too. Wilco just came on - I am Trying to Break Your Heart, the live version. Wilco will forever remind me of Brian and our fun times.

I really can't believe I hurt him so much. What kind of a terrible person am I that I was so oblivious to the pain I was putting him through? Sinking like a ship inside me ...

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

Iknow I would apologize if I could see your eyes
'cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You cant keep awake

   Love is watching someone die.

         So who's gonna watch you die?


waves of emotion come over me and i let myself cry. what could be sadder than your husband turning away forever? what could dig a bigger hole in your heart than looking back on fun times with your best friend, knowing they want to go down a different road now? i thought i was secure. i thought i knew who would be by my side in 5, 10, 50 years down the road. i didn't know this. it is so humbling to be reminded that in the end, we are all alone. right now i see marriage as a way to feel secure in a lonely world. marriage comforts you, it gives you someone to share your innermost secrets and have inside jokes with. it provides a cushion for when you fall, and it's like your shadow because it doesn't leave your side. you pour your love into and over this other person, and it's ok to expect their love to come cascading back your way. might be the only time i can think of where i think it's okay to expect something. usually i see expectations as a way to get let down. love is understanding and patient, it cares about you in ways you didn't think of. makes you smile like that.

and i am so glad i love myself. i might be lonely, i might be sad or hurt but i will never lose the love i have for who i am.

I love this song. I love Wilco, Jeff Tweedy is a genius songwriter and his voice carries the words like they run through my heart. They should come back to Seattle - maybe the "voice from the dark" can be there. I loved that we were there to see that conversation! So funny that it ended up on the video, and also great because I wasn't exactly sure what that guy was saying. Now we know.

I know I'm going to be okay. This is so painful, my heart really is breaking. I feel parts of it crumbling off like when you try to climb a wall made of clay, parts of it are shattered like a glass. How can something so sweet be swept away like the furballs under kitchen table? Too fast.

If you feel like singing a song
And you want other people to sing along
Just sing what you feel
Don't let anyone say it's wrong

And if you're trying to paint a picture
But you're not sure which colors belong
Just paint what you see
Don't let anyone say it's wrong

And if you're strung out like a kite
Or stung awake in the night
It's alright to be frightened

When there's a light (what light)
There's a light (one light)
There's a light (white light)
Inside of you

If you think you might need somebody
To pick you up when you drag
Don't loose sight of yourself
Don't let anyone change your bag

And if the whole world's singing your songs
And all of your paintings have been hung
Just remember what was yours is everyone's from now on

And that's not wrong or right
But you can struggle with it all you like
You'll only get uptight

I never knew it would come to this. I would have bet both my legs and my ears on it. This pain is more to bear than anybody should ever feel. Love is stronger than you think. True, true love. Real love that grows inside you like a climbing flowery vine.


I wouldn't be a liar
No I wouldn't be a liar if I told you that
I wouldn't be a liar

When things are all you think of
And plans are all you make
And thoughts are all you dream of
And falls are all you take
Look out, the world's destroyin' ya
Relax, it isn't fair
Mother Nature's disposition
She don't mind, she don't care
She don't mind, she don't care

I wouldn't be a liar
No I wouldn't be a liar if I told you that
I wouldn't be a liar

passing over
passion's pull
passing everything

And I wouldn't be a liar
No I wouldn't be a liar if I told you that

it takes up all of your life
these decisions you make
it takes up all of a day
to make you go along (normal?)

well outside on the patio
a piano's weeping too
Forget about it all for a little while
She don't mind, she don't care
She don't mind, she don't care
She don't mind, she don't care

I wouldn't be a liar
No I wouldn't be a liar if I told you that
I wouldn't be a liar

To see you, that seems minor to me
To see you, that seems minor to me
To see you, that seems minor

Can I start this thing back up after over two years? Nearly 25 months of ignoring. Reading over my past is interesting. Sad, funny and even comical sometimes. A lot and nothing has changed all at once.

I write the same. I still have mood swings and go in-and-out of periods. I am sure of certain things and confused all at once.

I am me. I'm very happy with life and love everything. Still that hole there. And the work story, which provides some kind of fuel.

Let's fire it up, get me posting to this more often. It's good.

Work werk. I want something to come up that will keep me working for a while. Tired of the piddling.

When work is slow, I start feeling blah. I wouldn't usually choose to hang out in front of my computer all day, so when there isn't anything going on, my mind drifts to what other projects I can work on. Sewing seems like fun. Need to get in there and make those bags I'm thinking of, and use up that fabric that I so love to buy. Looking at my bin makes me think I'm a fabric collector not a seamstress.

I really want to eat potato chips right now. Like a whole bag. Ooh or some fish sticks.

I also wanted to knit some mittens or at least something with form. Am I becoming eaten by brain rot? Letting myself get tired? Oh, maybe.

There goes another yawn.

I MISS CARISSA'S WIERD!

Still stupid that they broke up. It's been so too long since they played and I could cry knowing that they won't ever play again. Stupid getting a bimbo's burrito with Jenn making your burrito and all those gnarly tattoos but NO MORE music? No sense. No music, Yes burritos. Wasteland restaurant, swallows your musicians. Saw someone today who looked exactly like you. Funny how the years go by.

Come
And talk of all the things we did today
Here
And laugh about our funny little ways
While we have a few minutes to breathe
Then I know that it's time you must leave

But darling be home soon
I couldn't bear to wait an extra minute if you dawdled
My darling be home soon
It's not just these few hours but I've been waiting since I toddled
For the great relief of having you to talk to

And now
A quarter of my life is almost past
I think I've come to see myself at last
And I see that the time spent confused
Was the time that I spent without you
And I feel myself in bloom

So darling be home soon
I couldn't bear to wait an extra minute if you dawdled
My darling be home soon
It's not just these few hours but I've been waiting since I toddled
For the great relief of having you to talk to

------ instrumental break ------

Darling be home soon
I couldn't bear to wait an extra minute if you dawdled
My darling be home soon
It's not just these few hours but I've been waiting since I toddled
For the great relief of having you to talk to

Go
And beat your crazy head against the sky
Try
And see beyond the houses and your eyes
It's ok to shoot the moon

So darling
My darling be home soon
I couldn't bear to wait an extra minute if you dawdled
My darling be home soon
It's not just these few hours but I've been waiting since I toddled
For the great relief of having you to talk to

Tonight so far:
Work. Stopped when Honeypie came home but am supposed to start back up. Do I have a.d.d.? I am so easily distracted, but Want to get this done! I hate that our work schedule is so rigorous. Not fast-paced - rigorous. As in, don't stop, don't think, just get it done! They need it, they will pester you for it. I don't have much time for research, thinking of fun/ideas - no. So taking a bubble bath tonight, drinking some wine was sooo necessary but now it's like ACK! Almost 9.30pm and still don't have a clue of how to re-design tech sections for ride. I started something last week but don't like it. The main problem is that I don't like their site. It's so...techy? Not in an up-to-date sense but just rigid and 90-degree angles and not much room for creative. Then they want 'fun' thrown in there. Yeah, right.

So...this wine is good. Anyone want to talk about something besides work? Ug. I hope I can find some inspiration in the next half-hour or so, or else I'm quitting and going to bed.

It's been a torrential downpour at some point throughout the day for the past three days, which I LOVE. It's exciting: the booming thunder, huge rain pelting against the windows, big puddles and mini-rivers accumulating and running down streetways and gutters. Don't get me wrong, I like it to be sunny and happy out but the rain gets me excited inside.

And: backtoworking. (wah face.)

>me.

This is terrible. For the past three days all I crave when I'm hungry is PoTaTo Chips! Why? They don't fill me up well, they taste pretty good but make me feel like a big slob...wah.

So now we're putting out a job proposal to this guy to come in and help and I'm having thoughts of my boss not liking my work anymore. It's ridiculous but I can't stop myself from feeling threatened. I think it will be great, having help and we can do more, focus on features on the sites instead of running full-steam ahead non-stop.

Glad to be around this weekend and have nothing planned. It feels good, just having all this time open to do whatever we like. Hope it clears up...Oh! Going dress shopping today! Very excited for this. Hope it's pretty easy, that I don't have to order dresses to try on and such. I know it will be fun, and I'm glad Gin & Hol can help me out because I think sometimes I have a warped view of what I look like? Not that I picture myself fat or ugly, but I think I look good in things that aren't flattering or don't fit me well. This is where B comes in and tells me to change my shoes or match a different shirt or something. Thank god for him!

Ok werk is calling me back (along with the potato chips) ::

I have been the biggest grump in the entire world for the past 24 hours. I am SICK of being broken, my shoulders hurting, my face looks so great (two black eyes, green-bruised forehead...), it hurts to sit too long, etc. WAH! One thing that I am very lucky about is my husband-to-be is very understanding, sympathetic and is doing his best to turn our smallish apartment into a garden of vases and flowers and such. If I were to be left alone I would probably explode from all these scattered emotions I'm feeling. But then he calls me to say HI and it calms me down...for the most part. Sometimes I'm in this work-funnel and I really don't want to talk. He's still sweet though.

This weekend: I'm starting to get all bummed that we're not doing the lapushe trip with the gang. In about two hours they'll all be loading up on ferries and such and I'll be hacking away at fun code! It's probably mean of me, but I'm glad it's at least raining. I can't surf for at least another week, I can't skate, I can't ride my bike even! Thank god people want to go to movies and keep me otherwise occupied. Scrabble sounds like a good thing to do this weekend, too.

Did I tell you I still might have to get surgery? Yeah. If the ultrasound I get in a few weeks shows the cyst is still in my ovary, they are going in. I am rolling my eyes as I'm typing. Sure hope it goes away!

Back to work. Going in next week actually sounds like fun (!) since I haven't been in now for almost two weeks...