Sunday, December 08, 2002
And my honey love comes home today. How long the time was, and how slow it went but yet today here he comes! I think it would have been easier for me, if I didn't feel so sick and out of it all week. I have all these aspirations but can't get them started. Like a lawn mower who doesn't feel like starting on the first or even the second pull of the wire. I keep sitting and dreaming out my window, placing myself as a leaf on the tree across the road. Wanting to not wake up from my thick dreams, waving in the crisp cold breeze. But here I am still. I always am. I need to do things, my dreams I can live in them with no thinking. I can spend a week in my head, just pacing around or dancing alone with the butterflies that are so large and their wings are translucent purples, oranges, bright red and I can touch them. They don't have feet on the ground, but fly and drift around me. I can hear them breathing, but it sounds more like a song or birds than like we breathe.
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
Do you realize
That you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize
We're floating in space?
Do you realize
That happiness makes you cry?
Do you realize
That everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your good-byes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
Isn't that beautiful? Maybe you have to actually Hear it? I wrote down the lyrics and then looked them up online to make sure I got them right. Now Juno's on. Yaayyy. My cube stinks like fucken burnt popcorn because I can't seem to EVER cook popcorn in a microwave corretly. Weird, eh? I should go back to workworkwork. It's going really good now, I love that I can sit here undisturbed and just plod away. So good. Will be Radical to get outta town for four days! Oooh, I can't wait! I'll be sure to write about it when I get back...good times, for sure.
Thursday, October 31, 2002
It's Halloween. Can we say big fat wheee? I like bats and devils and evil little crawly creatures, but I hate costumes. I have always sucked at thinking of "what to be" so I decided awhile ago to fuk that. Much happier now. I gotta get my shit together for tomorrow so I can go eat dinner and go get beers. I don't wanna watch tv tonight or go to bed early. (ok, too early?). I don't know what I want.
Kung fu was fun tonight. I am starting to feel stronger with my stances and blocks. Kicking is still not my strength, but it's fun. It feels weird, so many of the things we do with our bodies that aren't natural, but give an inner power somehow. Aaaah I can't write anymore I need to go eat and drink and be merry.
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
Ah, the whine..OF COURSE I can have fun any day! I have fun in the rain. I have fun on ice (sometimes. now, that is a whiney situation.) I get worried of my weekends filling up because I like to be free for other things that come up like, spur-of-the-moment sort of things. Like, hey it dumped and we're all taking off in the morning. Oh man I'm all jittery just thinking about how bad I want it to snow!!
And sooo tired tonight. It's 9:24 and I could just pass the F out. Think I will. It feels good to not have a pile of things on my mind. This week has been a good one, I feel like I'm on a nice smooth road with large windows that take in the scenery and I have a mind that is not clogged so communication inside myself and to the outside world is easier. Sometimes I feel all flustered with just trying to understand my self and why my brain is even in me at all, and then I have to turn around and do things like interact with others. Weird.
And I feel so happy about Brian. For what seemed to me like a long time, I was dating guys and not finding something that felt solid. I was fluttering around and not even thinking that I was coming close to what I needed. I like the feeling of security. I really think that it helps me stabilize something inside me. I wonder if that has to do with how I was brought up? Or how I was with friends growing up? Because everyone is different, some people like to be single and don't worry about dating. Some people like dating, but know they are fine on their own and don't sweat it either way. And then some people don't feel good unless they are with someone. Of Course there are many other ways people can be. Those are just my main categories I go by in distinguishing how people deal. I think that I am comfortable with being in a good, healthy, loving relationship and like my sense of standing on my own and still being myself. In the past I have thrown myself into someone, and died inside as a result. The feeling I get with him, about us - it sends my emotions reeling into all sorts of fun and bright colors and things that conjur up laughter, smiles. It's warm hugs and positive reinforcement. I love it so much, I can honestly say that it is something completely new for me. I am just So Very Happy inside that I feel ready. I am ready, and am excited for what's in my future. I don't dread learning about him, for fear of finding out he's a freak or has issues.
Now I go to bed. Warm soft blankets and lots of pillows and my kitty on my chest, murmuring loves and purrs and drooling on me out of sheer joy. Night.
Thursday, October 24, 2002
But this Fog, it prevents sight. I cannot tell if the sun is rising, or blaring above my head. Gray is changing the colors of everything to just drab. Trees are still sleeping, the birds don't know to wake them up yet. Preventing my view past the freeway outside my apartment, I cannot see the lake and the hill or even the Space Needle. It appears I am on an island where I-5 is the border. The businesses in the big buildings aren't worried about their reports or meetings - their only concern as of 8am is making it through the fog. Don't get eaten by the drab, stay alive! In this weather it is easy to get sucked into bed; warm covers and sweet soft light lulling you back to sleep.
It's lovely creativity floating through me, with the fog in my eyes. I can see only four blocks away in every direction and I love the feeling of cold, expect the feeling of unstability outside because this town wants normalcy. The weather her is anything but. People complain when it's not sunny - or sunny but not warm. Not all of them; some revel in the changes and it gives them energy. People like me, who welcome the seasons and tire of the warmth, the too much sunny days and not enough rainstorms, lightening, and snow in the mountains.
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
Other than that, things are good. Having fun at work, keeping stress down as much as I can. Been hanging out with Brian all the time and having a great time. Too tired to write about it much now, but hip-happy inside. Like the things we go do, like to make plans and love waking up next to him every morning. So cozy. So lovey. It's pretty much like, whatever we have planned is fun. So I don't dread anything, I don't wish things like "aww, I kinda wanna stay home" or stuff like that. It's good.
Need to go work now...want to take a nap. Zzzz. Begonia wants to play. I love my kitty. She's so well-mannered, and I know she hates it that I work. From the second I come home to whenever I leave, she's right there. It's probably because we live up on the tenth floor, so she doesn't really have much else going on, but she still likes to hang out by my side. When we live in a house or somewhere she can go exploring or hunting outside, she's a little more picky on when we can hang out. I'm sad she can't go hunting. I want the next place I live in to have somewhere for Begonia to go outside, even if it's just a deck. I'm so picky for my little picky girl.
Tuesday, September 24, 2002
And then today dragged on. Tonight is nice, watching the sunset and wondering where B is. Gin and I talked about doing kung-fu so that would be fun! I'm all relaxed and feeling good after eating yummy swimming rama. Mmmm, rama-riffic!
Friday, September 20, 2002
Instead, I get Melissa time and I feel completely at ease. Tomorrow after skating I hope to get the base of that canvas done. Jackie Chan gave me this hugemongous canvas that was abandoned at her building. Vast amounts of space to be covered, more than I have ever tackled. I'm into details, and that thing is so big I can only hope for beautiful shapes and color combinations. I'm sure it will be along the lines of what I usually do...I'm pretty comfortable with my style and for some time have been too hard on myself to stray from that.
Distance has a way of making Love understandable -
My mind is filled with silvery stars - Honey kisses clouds of love...
I have been in the best mood and don't want to stop. I wish my mind would slow from 100 frames per second to like 20. Imagination stirring like thick taffy, colors blending but slowly and changing into different textures - like something out of Willy Wonka's factory. I can taste the happiness, see the visions of the future so bright I can't help but smile and let it fill me entirely. I have met someone who meets all nine of my needs. Yes, I have a list. Over the years since I was 17, I've kept a list of what I need and what I want from someone. It has come down to these nine things, which if requested I will post but surely I don't need to. Do you know what this means for me? Heart strings being pulled, stars singing to me from the sky and the best thing is my mind feels at ease. I love it. Love love love, you - me.
Thursday, September 12, 2002
did you ever stare at the moon - 'til you saw double?
i hear you walk away from trouble.
good love, there ain't no denyin'
bad love - somebody ain't trying...
did you ever walk someplace, just to take time?
or take the fast road & get going
and then the rules break - there's no mistake
these are the precious times
I know I've been told he's cheesey but I LIKE evan dando. There I said it - right out loud in my blog.
we got mountains, we got peaches
we got love that makes us mad, love that has to teach us...
i looked in a fryin' pan, sang a song
i looked at a dying man - he sang along.
So sue me. I like punk, I like rock. But I also like the emotions brought out from words put together that draw more images than just wanting to move your body and feel the noise. I like to want to be somewhere else, to drift off to memories and be reminded of things I pushed down. The things that I don't bring to my own attention.
Do I sound sappy enough? Well, it's true and I'm not afraid to talk about it. I won't pretend like I'm not feeling on top of the world. Hah!
And more good things - I found out that I got the position at work I've been wanting. (shhh! It's a secret!!) So I'm excited to move out of poo-dung position and finally have some responsibility, something better to do than sit at my desk and think of everywhere else I'd rather be at the moment...
Wednesday, September 04, 2002
What if I talked like that to my blog? What if my blog came to life and talked back? Would we all be on acid or would it be the final free-ing of all things inanimate...The things I ponder at work. Another inquiry: when am I winning the lottery, damit! It would be so nice to not be stuck in this rut anymore. God please grant me the patience it will take to fill in this hole I've dug.
I totally can't concentrate. Think I need some center of axis, the spinning is slow but it still isn't enough for me to pass by these windows, catching glimpses of things I want to touch and feel and experience before -woosh- they're turning around again and all I can do is watch as they leave and put in a hope to see them again. When did my mind start this random warbling? As far as I can remember, things occupy my mind-space. Dreams so vivid I can bring them to life, aspirations that have either passed or are still being expected - and somehow they remain on my list of things to do, unaccomplished. Too much? My drive is there, I like to do so much. But is there a need for finishing it all? I sometimes do, and sometimes don't - hope that I'll knock some of the things off my list. But what would I leave? Time outdoors? Energy spent on drawing? Brain cells generating the random nothings that sometimes build into somethings? Ah, I can't decide. But that's the best part - I don't have to!
Please remove your seatbelt and move about the cabin. Your captain has now decided to completely fuck off today and enter the world of make-believe. Auto-pilot has been advised.
Thursday, August 29, 2002
I want candy and I can't find any and I am Big Wah who wants to go home. I think I will....
Tuesday, August 27, 2002
It's too hard to wonder how I went from ten years ago to now - and how the pieces fit together but yet I still hate myself sometimes and I still feel like I have so much potential sometimes, too. I don't like hating myself. Waking up and seeing someone I'm tired of looking at, living in the same place with the same brain talking me through my every move. It could be poetry, it could be beautiful but right now it's all cobwebs that are stuck to each other. I can't clean them off, I can't chase away the hauntings of thoughts that pollute my blue skies. It would be easy to slip away and not exist somehow; but even when I think about that I think about what it would be like when I come back and what the hell would I tell people? That I moved to Europe? Surely they would ask me how it was - and I can't lie. I can't pretend I've been to a whole continent when I barely know what's outside of where I am now. My comfort zones are cramped but I can't branch out of my own window.
Sometimes I think I'll draw, or write poetry. But it's too much effort. And I can't expect someone else to reach out a hand to pull me out. This story is all about me, this time I spend is how I choose to. Looking around I have things that I want, things that I like. I have friends to call that would love to hear from me and go out for a bit. But -
Oh shit there's so much going on in my fucking head. I don't want to die, I want to fucking be over with these feelings. I want to rise up above this and do some things. Motivation, where did you go? It's easy when I'm at work, the people I work with are great and it's easy to focus on - duh - work. But I come home and want to go out so bad but I end up with nothing when that happens.
I'm rambling. Wish I could count the times that happens. I should change this to "melissa's random ramblings."
i wish that you would move to the sun
cause you're like diggin' holes in thin air
and we know that can't be done
i wish that you would cheat with someone
cause you're like diggin holes in water
and we know that can't be done
bravery and stupidity go hand in hand
i guess that makes me the bravest man
i was quick to learn but slow to understand
well, what can you do
my theories are borrowed from somewhere else
and i never had too many to talk about
but you were real quick, you were quick to point out
well, that was borrowed too
Fuck people who aren't honest. With others and with themselves. It's just too fucked up that someone can be selfish enough to not see the people they are seeing as real people with feelings and have cares and the ability to love.
you need a permit if you're gonna build shit
and you can't get one so nothing gets built
and your house is standing on a foot and a half of silt
Monday, August 26, 2002
Very hungry, very much want dragonfish. Where's Yang? Please send ESP message to ms.Yang requesting arrival at house so we can Eat Sushi in mass quantities. Mmmmm Yum! Tired need food can't write must generate brain cells soon. lates.
Saturday, August 24, 2002
The show was good...I like going to Casey's shows but not all too often because to me, a lot of their songs sound the same. After the show was out, it took me like a half-hour to say my goodbyes, then J and I rolled out to Jack's to meet up with my boss and her friends. Lord help me, I had three whiskey-cokes. Did NOT need to do that, my head kinda feels like rocks. Since returning from "detox" (melissa style), I've been trying to keep my drinking under control. I think I did pretty well last night although at some point I noticed how I yap yap yap and don't shut up. I hope I don't sound too stupid when I go into auto-pilot like that. If I can get through today without throwing up from drinking too much, or at least not go out - - oh what am I talking about!! Since 11am I've wanted to get bloody mary's at Linda's and that's totally what I'm about to do when I get done with this. Bloody Marys are one of the best cures for any level hangover, at least for me.
Have finished what I need to do all weekend and am trying to find someone to go surf with tomorrow but I really doubt that's going to happen. I don't feel like heading out solo, but need to go before it gets too cold. Would be nice to make it up to La Push soon.
Time for a BM (ha, ha. Not a bowel movement you retard!) - Linda's here I come!
Wednesday, August 21, 2002
Mexico (most recent)
Still drinking (but not as much - quantity)
Mexico: Got a free trip to Mexico with one catch: watch a 15-year-old party her ass of while you're down there (no parents). Yeah, it was fun. But yeah, I remembered why I don't want to have kids yet. Whew. I re-lived the days of not knowing how to drink slowly, what puking uncontrollably is like, and not knowing (some)what of what goes on in a man's head. Through the eyes of this girl. Oh lord, on our last day she did 15 shots of tequila. Someone just mentioned tequila the other day at work and I swear I gagged and had to put on my headphones to block out the thought of the billiards hall with their 5 peso shots. EW!
Still drinking: Is this really news? Up until leaving the country, I was on a rage. Woooo! Beer all the freakin' time! Well, not anymore. Since I had to play "parent" (yeah right) for a week, I had a nice detox session. Yeah, I still drank a little but I swear I didn't go very far past the initial buzz. So now I am on day 3 of being back and not concerned in the slightest that happy hour is underway without me.
I skated today. Something that sucks, at least for me, is that when I drink so much I am consumed by it. I forget to head right out of the ferry line after work and go straight to the bars. Instead of spending time feeling good, being active and having fun with friends outside, I choose to hang out at a bar (which might be outside, but still sitting down) and eat cigarettes and drown my liver all night. Wake up and repeat until dead in the face.
So I'm feeling pretty damn good. Being more alert and productive at work which is Good because the Busy Season will be upon us so soon! I'm almost scared of it. Frightened of the thought that - gasp! - I might have to snowboard on the weekends like a Normal Person! Aaaahhh! There is a chance of working four 10's but I can't start thinking that now or I'll have a mental breakdown when it doesn't happen.
Completely forgot about my 100-things list. Started it but it's sitting in a book at my work, I think I'm on like 38 or something. It will get done. It's actually fun because it forces me to think about things that I don't usually relate to ME. Things I push out of my mind, used to be proud of, or happened so long ago I've written them off as someone else's doings. So, it will be an entertaining time for all when I get it up.
I really super bad need to do laundry. You are very happy to be sitting somewhere besides right next to me right now. Adios.
Sunday, August 04, 2002
So I just saw on a couple people's blogs a list of 100 things about them. Since I'm grounded today I think I'll start one and see how far I get. I think I need to order a pizza. MMMmmmm. Food is good. Right now I think I need to just concentrate on generating brain cells. Maaah! Yesterday was a ton 'o fun. I was too shaky (why?) to skate much, but I had fun. I can't believe that the Bainbridge ferry is cheaper than Vashon! I'm calling bullshit on that. I rolled in on pool coping, which was totally not scary. I wonder why I don't drop in? It's like I'm waiting for someone to do it for me, but that's not possible.
It's so cold in here I'm shivering. Yay for August in Seattle! I go order food to be delivered now. Hope that I can finish my 100-things list.
Friday, July 26, 2002
I'm doing great! Went to bed at 11 last night, which was fabulous. All day I did so much and didn't need to take five smoke breaks...
Tonight I hope to change the layout of my website. Think I'll order a pizza. Think that will help get me going? Or maybe just make me broke. Man I love living so close to food that I can walk to stores. I haven't done anything besides work and I'm NOT talking about Work on this thing. Not worth it. Imma go eatin' now.
Thursday, July 25, 2002
I have a drinking problem. This whole month, I have only been notdrunk six times. I have tried not drinking that much, pacing myself, bringing only cash/not buying - and I end up getting drunk, drunker, and before I know it I'm massively hungover and not feeling good about my Self. I am making this post to start my non-drinking binge. Going to be making an effort to post regularly and keep track of how much fun I'm having Not Drinking. Today I'm going to hang out with my cat and watch PPV TV. Go to the store and buy some decent food, for once. Enough of living off of Hot Mama's $1.50 pizza slices and Linda's fries. It's getting gross that I wake up smelling like a stinky bar and beer seeping out of my pores every morning. It's lame that I start coming around at 12noon every day, after I've had a coffee, maybe a coke, and trying to sop up the beer in my stomach with potato chips.
So, there marks the beginning. My parents have been warning me not to drink, because I went through a really low depression - and how I dealt with it was to drink. And I haven't quite come out of it yet, so I might slip back down when I'm not drinking. But I do have a great network of friends that support my not-drinking. That want to hang out and not get utterly wasted, rendered useless.
Okaye! So that's done. Now, am I supposed to work? UG on work. I went skating last night, the first time in 3 weeks. It was fun, but I was really out of it because I haven't done anything active for so long. My whole body was shaking, I had to stretch out. But I got back into it. I hope we get to hit Newburg this week...
Wednesday, July 17, 2002
Friday, July 12, 2002
Am I bitchy enough? Sometimes when I sit in my work chair too long it feels like the fat is being pulled by gravity into my butt. Sorry, I had to share that. I'm gonna go wander outta here now. I've had it with work.
Thursday, July 11, 2002
I was going to do a post anyway, reading my horoscope just reminded me to do it. Really, the next post will Not include my horrorscope. Though I must say, I'm bummed I forgot to read it on my birthday. Those are always more insightful. This one sounds pretty promising, though. Creative endeavors? I'm all over it! See, I knew it was a good thing I decided to stay home (most of) this weekend. Maybe I'll spend it writing a book that will become famous (see previous blog) or do some oil painting that will be noticed and I'll get sponsored to quit my job and just paint (yeah, right). But what's this about people depending on me for their financial security? I thought I was the one depending on others. Maybe it's all that imported food, wine and clothes that I buy that are imported from around the world. That's the only thing I can think of. Unless they're referring to my frequenting a certain bar by my house, and how that's helping others. Who knows. The part about what sign is prominent or whatever, I omitted that cus I Don't Care.
So, catchup. Uhh... Everything I was going to say just totally slipped out. A few minutes ago, I hit a crisis. Tired of my cds at work, I ran around trying to borrow others' but to no avail. So I'm streaming kcmu and hoping I'm not tying up the network. John in the Morning is so rad! YAAYYY! You know what's funny though, is that I'm listening to an archive of his and he's talking about how it's 54 out and we're expecting rain. Reality is, it's 80 out and we're expecting a drought. California is already at a stage 2 or something which means that they're down to less than 5% of their water supply. Wheee, folks. So rolling blackouts might be expected, people are being asked to turn off major appliances in the afternoon. I hope we don't have to get into water trouble.. I think we're fine because Hood and Stevens still have mass snow right now. Yeah, the pnw is the bomb. Ha.
Currently, I'm trying to work off this lingering drunkenness. Talked to Jessica last night and ended up meeting her at Linda's at like 11:30 for some pool. I was So Close to winning! It was rad, I haven't really played more than like 5 games all year and I'm actually doing good. We had a pitcher there, and then mosey'd over to the ca-ca to meet some others, had another beer and a whiskey. Needless to say, I got home late, took a shower at like 2:15a because I really didn't want to wake up earlier than I did this morning. My guess is that around 2pm today I'm going to involuntarily pass out on my keyboard. The coffee was a good jumpstart, but now I'm feeling kinda ill (not licensed to) and not even my munch em's are helping at this point.
Well I guess I should work again. I'm so unmotivated right now. Kinda surprised I even got out of bed. Sometimes I feel like I should be rewarded for being on time every day and working a full eight hours every day, by getting a free day off. Stupid, lousy real-world rules. Sick days, vacation days, number of hours worked, blah blah blah.
Wednesday, July 03, 2002
CANCER (June 21-July 22) Look beyond the immediate. Big things await; fame and fortune are beckoning. Answer the call and let it be known you are alive and kicking. Aries plays dominant role.
I'm ignoring the "dominant role" of X sign, because who cares anyway? Maybe the guy who takes my ferry tickets every day is an Aries and that was the Big Dominant Role. Fuck that shit.
Fame and fortune, though? Now this sounds promising. What am I going to be famous for? And will it be fame that leads to fortune, or am I going to stumble across a hundred dollar bill (yo) and that, in itself, will give me a break from my current dispair? And I'm not answering my phone today, I don't want to talk to anyone for awhile. So whoever's wondering if I'm dead, I'm not. Just read this and believe that I am indeed alive and kicking. Maybe I should start a rock band where all I do is scream on stage about how alive I am and just start kicking things for the hell of it. One thing is certain, I do have to look beyond what is immediately happening in my life, or I would totally not be alive. I'd be kicking everything including my own ass.
Back to work. Oh, sweet work. How I dispise thee even though it gives me a paycheck, I'm still trying to reason with myself on WHY this is a Good Thing. Hmm.
Monday, July 01, 2002
Right now, I feel like I have been Pissed Off for about a month, and it gets me upset that I can't be happier inside. But you know what? I know that I Was happy this weekend because I went skating twice both days and hung out at Linda's (sure fix) and was productive. And I played with my cat. Aww, I love her.
Still, right NOW I am afraid that if someone calls me before I go to bed they are going to be frightened of me. Like, oh shit what happened to Marcy? Is she on drugs? No, not that I know of, why? Well, she's just going off about all sorts of shit and not making sense but she wants to hang out but I don't want to hang out with her because all she does is wah about her life.
I know people have said this about me because I've said it about them. That which bothers you about other people, you have it in you too.
Ew, I almost just added something like "don't judge, lest ye be judged." I'm logging out now.
Ok, first off - who really uses "cajoled" in everyday jargon? And I DON't need more time. I'm tired of being patient, it hasn't gotten me what I want now so far. And what do I need more time for? Finding a job, yes. More time to sit and be pissed? No. Second thing, I don't have techniques and what kind of procedure are you talking about? Sorry to turn this into "Marcy's Horoscope" but really, folks. "Complete story?" I don't want to hear it. Won't believe it, so don't waste your breath.
God, I feel bitchy tonight. How 'bout you? Maybe I need a beer...
Well, I'm gonna leave that half-drank MGD in there to fuzzle a little longer while I drink my Last Pabst. Oh, sweet cold PBR, how I love thee... See? I feel better already! Back to my horoscope. I love Pisces. My sister, roommate, and 2 reallyreally good friends are Pisces. We always get along because we are Water (gurgle). But wait! What's the Pisces involved in?? With the "complete story?" Ug. Nevermind, fuck those fishes. I don't need anyone! I stand alone in my pain, glory, angst and bitchiness. But if you're heading to Linda's, invite me along because that's like my second home.
Monnndayyy, like the corner of my mind... You know what? I have completely forgotten what it feels like to be unemployed. Part of me really wants to get laid off so I can hop back on the happy wagon. Actually, it's more like the "happy, yet subtly distressed by not being a cog in society" wagon. I have a job, and it's great that I get to meet rad people and "feel" like a "normal" person again, but sheesh. Financially I suck right now! I don't have the $7 to get another 12 pack o' Pabst, and it's almost 10 so I'm too tired to walk up there. Too tired?! Hell, a month ago I was stayin' up late reeking havok all over the place with so much alcohol in my system I almost qualified as the next human-keg.
Yeah, I'm exxagerating. But I did wake up most of the time too drunk to feel like a safe, reliable driver. On the up-side I have to admit it's nice waking up and not feeling like I'm gonna hurl when I put the toothbrush in my mouth to clean my teeth. What Am I Blogging About? I can't wait to get some insurance. The first thing I'm gonna do is get me a shrink so I can maybe curb this anxiety/depression/o-c behavior that is taking over me. Damnit, I want to be normal and be able to make more productive decisions in my life than "well, should I go get more beer, or should I just sit on my bed and stare at the walls." Which, by the way, are still bare. The artist in me is scared to come out lately, I think due to my manic behaviour. Like, when I finally wake up out of this stage I'm gonna be scared.
Maybe that's where my friends have gone.
Sunday, June 30, 2002
1 - I don't like Capricorns. Yes, I know some and yes we get along; but for the most part I keep my distance but am friendly upon impact.
2 - What's this talk of responsibility? I really don't need any more than I already have and am not up to even that much. Can't someone else do it? At least for a little while?
3 - Hmmm. This seems vaguely suspicious. Familiar? Does it mean that a certain someone who is ignoring me, I will have to (get to) deal with them? Doubt it. Nothing that the moon can help me with now, but thanks mr.horoscope guy.
I am so sick of this weekend. Sicker of thinking about going back to werk. I'm back to feeling like shit in numerous categories so just don't even get me started. I drank this weekend but to no avail (waste of money, barely got buzzed). I bailed at skateboarding and in one swift movement I bruised my palm, elbow, hip, and hipbone. Owch. I was happy to be there with only like 4 other guys so I could cower on the ground for a few minutes before getting up and being fully pissed at my fall.
Good things: woke up early sat & sun to skate, spent like 3 hours at burien today and that was fun. Yesterday I learned how to roll in which was rad considering I've only done it at Kent before... So, yay me. And I only spent $15 all weekend which is good because I am Broke. So broke I don't even want to get into it. I'm going now, too sad to write any more about my stupid life. Maybe overnight I'll get happy and be a gem tomorrow. Byeeee.
Saturday, June 29, 2002
So, today at the skatepark I yelled at a little kid on a bmx. I hate those fuckers. Some of them are cool, they stay out of your way and will apologize if they got in your way. They are not allowed at the park and what can we do? Nothing. Anyway, this little fuck dropped in in front of me when I was turning blind and I fell off. Could have broken something! So I told him to watch where other people were going. I don't know what this kid's problem was, but he totally started shit with me and usually I blow it off but he was within arms reach. I was so pissed, I yelled at him and then I called the cops. Fuck those kids on bikes. The cop came and of course the kids were just sitting there and the cop didn't do shit. I think it sucks that bmx's are not allowed and the cop's just like "well, have a nice day. don't hurt yourself." Like, Hell-o! I won't hurt myself if those little assholes stay out of my way. Lame.
Big wah: pizza is burnt.
I've been so good this week, I'd like an award for it. Since Tuesday I haven't gone anywhere. Let me rephrase that. I haven't gone out drinking anywhere. I have stayed at home to drink in effort to save money. This job I got, it doesn't pay enough. For a normal person, I'm sure it's enough. I am in debt and this time next year I'll have some loans paid off and will be richer. Until then, I'm to be grounded from going out, and I have to get another job. I'm not happy about this. If I find one, I'll work somewhere else. Reality is that I'm most likely going to end up at a restaurant being a cashier part-time while I keep the k2 one. Which is fine. Aaron said I might be able to do some web design for his clients but that might not happen until August and I need money nOW!
Man, I am just one big spew of wah. I'll be back later.
Thursday, June 27, 2002
It's raining and feels good. How come I always get these surges of want to be productive and do things after 10pm? That is frustrating because simultaneously, I get tired. So it's like, I can stay up and do things that are fulfilling - or I can sleep and get none of it done. I could pay my bills, that would be great! Or, I can work on my website and wouldn't that feel good too? Yeah...
It sucks being broke. All week, I've spent only $30 at the bar. That is an Accomplishment. Can't say the last time that happened. I'm so proud of myself! Work is really sucking right now, I have Zero Things to do. Literally. Especially because I'd rather be on my home pooter, I don't want to "play" on the internet or email. Since I'm "not supposed" to have pirated software, I can't do much of anything there. I can talk on the phone but then it's really apparent that I don't have any work. I mean, my boss knows I have Nothing To Do but she hasn't given me any work! Ugh. Oh well... I should just shut my mouth and stop complaining about things that aren't that big of a deal. I mean, I'm not dying, I have a house to live in. I'm almost out of beer but that's barely an acceptable wah. I guess I'll go to bed. Fuck that shit I said about being productive. I like sleep, it's good. bye.
Tuesday, June 18, 2002
She insists on hanging out in my roommates room - thus, shedding her long, thick fur all over and especially where she sleeps. Yet when my roommate tries to be friends (play, pet her, feed her) my cat turns up her nose and gives her the stinkface. My cat knows she has annoyingly long fur and will hide when she sees me coming with the brush. I'm not abusive, rough, or mean when I brush her. And when I'm done, to rub in the fact that I Am So Abusive, she hides behind the stereo and gives my friends (and me) pity-me looks. In the morning I wake up with just enough time to get ready and get to work on time. Sleep is good. Sometimes, I have a five minutes extra and so I play mouse with her. When I explain that I have to work so that she can eat premium food and shit in a box, she gives more pity-me looks. Friends come over and she acts scared, like she can only hang out with me. Somewhere along the lines of her upbringing, she got the notion that she is royalty. That she deserves constant attention and love...
What have I done to create such a selfish little bitch-cat? Is there anything I can do to curb this behavior? I'm just glad she's not related to me or I'd actually feel responsible for this type of behavior.
In other (yet slightly related) news, I'm going to Whistler this weekend and Gin's going to KY, and that can only mean one thing: The Cat Will Suffer. She will be alone for over 24 hours and hopefully will think we deserted her, so when I return she isn't such a little cunt.
Did I mention I hate ASP? Well I do.
Friday, June 14, 2002
Now I just need to:
pick up my prescription
scan and put up mamafest pics. (note: can't scan until my driver gets fixed. i will be very upset if i have to get rid of scanner)
get a new license
get my old mail that is piling up at the old house. (finally found my moneycard so i changed my address today online)
Ahhhh.... Now I just have to decide what I'm doing this weekend. Beerfest? Skatefest? Free dinner at dad's on Sunday for dads-day.
My eyes are burning from staring at this gd screen for too long. Even walking around the office doesn't really help much. Leaving early today, must escape.
Wednesday, June 12, 2002
renewed my prescription (still haf to p/u)
did laundry (clean sheets!)
got kitty litter - ahhhh...
cleaned up 80% of the krap that was bugging me about my house
watched tv (the dvd is missing a cable. hmmm) (??)
played with my kitty, who is still a spoiled princess
emailed some folks
But still haven't found my moneycard. It was Great for me to get all this done tonight! I was so dead, the ferry was late but it was nice hanging out on the deck with the sun out. Didn't get to skate today but since I kicked ass tonight I'm gonna take my car to werk & go out tomorrow. Or at least drinking. (think small drinking, casual). I get my first paycheck -- wheeeoo!
Tomorrow my only goal is to fax in my goddamn passport. No skateing or drunking until I do! grrrr.....
Tuesday, June 11, 2002
CANCER (June 21-July 22) Overcome tendency to brood. Transform moods into action. Define terms, find ways of speeding production. You will be regarded as a "mystery figure." Pisces plays dramatic role.
Tendency to brood? ME??
Whatever. Whoever wrote that can fuck off. And I don't need any drama in my life! If you are pisces, I will avoid you. bye.
Somebody please shoot me. I am lower than low and I don't even want to poke fun at it anymore. Even went skating tonight and although I was there almost an hour, I just wasn't feeling it.
So I'm eating canned chili and beer for dinner. At eleven o' clock at night. This is just ridiculous. I feel like crying but that would take too much energy. I want to draw my frustrations out but would proably start crying. I'd make a drink but probably keep drinking and not wake up tomorrow. Can I just crawl in a hole and die? Don't take this the wrong way - I am happy with my life right now. Everything IS under control, just not me. Somewhere in the past month, with me getting a Job and moving, I lost track of everything. Lost my mind, forgot what to do to Live. Right now I'm spewing words from my brain in case you can't tell.
Tomorrow I will:
go food shopping
buy kitty litter
clean up that pile of krap in my living room
take a deep breath, tomorrow is a new day.
To spare the world from hearing what's inside me I'm going to close out and take this to my book. It's proabaly my low blood sugar but I feel really wah, upset, and sad right now and want to just shutup. Want to have tomorrow come. Oh, and I need to renew my prescription. My brain is out of control. Gimme some drugs.
Monday, June 10, 2002
What's new, people? I am slowly adjusting to life at work - training was so easy and we've been super slow waiting for another promotion to come along. yay. I've been wanting to skate lately but when I get out there, I kinda feel like I'm on this dumb plateau where I need to be doing something different but aren't ready to push myself. Not lazy, just underconfident. And now I'm Sooper Excited because I get to be stuck indoors as the temperatures rise. It's sunny, the kids are still in school, and I get to be here. (wah)
Actually, I'm pretty content right now. Things are starting to slide back into place. I'm a cog again but that's OK because I've got my fun when I need it. Maybe sometime soon I'll get my creative juices back. Inside my head there are creatures, they won't shut up but they don't want to show their faces. It's like having a cave or a tunnel like in the labyrinth where the walls talk. Only sometimes scary, sometimes not. And the creatures are little devils with horns and swollen bellies and grimey little faces. They tell me to ignore this life and just crawl in my head. Then I remember to talk and be normal. I can do it. Illusions. Anyway, for awhile I've wanted to put these guys in a book or something to free them. Free myself, in a way. I haven't talked to Frank in a long time but we were going to do a book together but I wasn't focused enough to follow through. And it was probably just me, but I didn't like his writing style. It would have been like if someone didn't like my drawings.
Someone close to where I'm sitting just doused herself in perfume that is making my eyes sting. I gotta go.
Wednesday, June 05, 2002
God, why are there people like Frank?
I really like pabst but water will do just fine.
Sometimes, it's easier to leave the thinking to other people. I hate having to make decisions when I really don't know what's going on. Should I brush my teeth now; or is it OK to wait until the morning? Should I eat someting now or will it make me feel fat & bloated when I wake up?
Like I said... someone else will know. But I don't think anyone else will know what's going on in my head. I don't tell very many people what I'm up to or who I'm meeting, what's going on in my life. Can you guess? There is some super-secret-covert operation going on, involving a certain individual. I won't say names but if that person reads my blog I'm down. Should already be down, according to how retarded I am already.
What am I saying?
I'm going to bed. Goodnight, world. Pray that my toothpaste has the powers to erase all bad stinks from my breath right now.
xoxox -- marcy, melissa MCD.
Monday, June 03, 2002
I love my new place! It is a great location, almost perfect proximity to the bars. Great walking distance to beer, downtown, and the freeway. One of the best things is having only one roommate, and especially one that I can't complain about. No more ass-cat, no more driving me insane with arguments. Aaahhh.... Just us and the cable discrambler. And pretty sunset views.
I REally wanted to skate ALL last week. Somehow, the occurence of me sliding on my face at the pool prevented me from wanting to get out and skate. Instead, I got to spend time nannying, moving, and alcohol consuming. Hopefully I have drank enough that this week I won't miss stumbling around and bar hopping. Wait - did I just say I won't drink all week? Noooo. I just mean I'll be sober at noon. And at three-o-clock. I'll be one of those people who rolls out to drink around the time the sun sets. Right now I'm enjoying my 3rd black label (butt licker) so maybe I'll stay in tonight. Get some stuff done, be productive... look at my to-do list. (where IS that thing??)
What the hell am I talking about? I nEEd to stay home tonight! Saving money is good, rehabilitation is good, just chillin' to some cable tv is good. It's all good. Oh yeah, what's not good is we got kicked out of the dog bowl on Saturday. (friday?) Something about the king county housing authorities buying the lot and even though the cops were cool, it sounds like pretty soon we won't be able to hang there. I wonder how long it will be until the no trespassing signs are up.
Friday, May 24, 2002
Now I'm dealing with a really great headache, but other than that I feel pretty great. It's sunny out today! Whooee. Soon we'll get out and skate, gotta take advantage of all the kids being in school right now. You know, I really don't want to deal with moving. Too bad I don't have a nice income so I can just pay people to pack & move my shit while I'm out having fun. At least we have volunteers, that's nice. I can't write this blog right now, who am I kidding.
Thursday, May 23, 2002
- take drug test on vashon. boo on paying ferry fee, but at least i'll have a job.
- take car to get transmission fluid checked. doing this will help validate (?) my warranty on a third rebuild. no car should have to go through what mine has.
- skate. must do this as much as possible in order to ensure sanity when starting new job in 10.5 days. any time it is dry, i will skate. i will go to nearest convenience store and buy PBR or like beer. Jerry said he found 24oz'rs of PBR - must look into this.
- go to Redhook brewery for meeting. must confess my consumation of mega beer at Baker's TapRoom during festical. unless Patrick is on my side, which he might be since he's such a nice guy. hoping for kickdowns of beer and maybe munchies. at least beer.
Nothing else planned. Hoping it stays dry, maybe I'll "pack" some more, since we Are moving tomorrow. Is it tomorrow? Everything goes away? New place? Wheeeeee!! I should get cable hooked up earlier than the 2nd, and call to get a phone maybe like Tuesday. Add that to list of things to do... maybe I'll call en route to pee test.
Wednesday, May 15, 2002
Don't get me wrong - I DO want to work again. Having a reasonable income would be grand, working my brain a little bit would be nice too. It's kinda funny, when I first got laid off I thought I'd be consumed by art. I got all these canvases & loaded up on extra oil paints, I have a bunch of rad drawing pens... You know what I was really up to? I learned to skate, I took mega snowboard trips, went to Mexico (2x!), I started a liquor collection and have friends to hang out with almost anytime I'm lookin' for em.
I have had an awesome vacation from work. Must go find skate now. Interview went well, semi-freaked on starting a real job again.
Saturday, May 11, 2002
Waking up to a phone call 20 minutes before my alarm was going to scream, pounding headache from stiff drinks at I-Spy the night before, wondering if I have any clean clothes to wear today, and I'm out of all food except frozen burritos. Not that frozen burritos aren't the Bomb, but I wish I could have showed up to the comp about 3 hours later than I did. It went ok, I saw a bunch of people in a scene that doesn't happen all the time so that was cool. Didn't get to see much of the comp, which was fine because it hurt to concentrate on things. Am I making sense? Somehow it's 8:20 at night, and I don't know where my day went. Left the hangar to skate west Kent bowl which was Dead, which was Cool because I didn't want to deal with little kids. Then went to the pool (little mexico) because even though my legs (and ankles, shoulders and knees) were stiff and sore, I had to keep skating. Those guys are doing sick moves in there and I really want to get better. I know I won't make it up to the tile but it would be sweet to be able to do a kick-turn higher up and on the wall. It's just that those trannies are So Tight, the corners are gnarr but i keep going. I hope the pool is still a go in the summer because it's chill there. Nice. Legs about to give out, still drinking beer (bad habit, must stop drinking beer while skating) - (especially when it's sunny. that's the worst!), and I can't stop until my body is giving out, it no longer obeys what my mind commands. That is when I leave and have decided that tonight I will stay home and watch a moovey. Or just go to bed.
Must be more awake tomorrow - the finals! Wheee!
Thursday, May 09, 2002
Too bad it was $15 for the buffalo daughter show. Why don't places have discounts for the unemployed? Surely it's because they want to motivate us to get jobs so we can pay for ourselves and whatever, but come ON! Wahh. Yeah, so I hung out upstairs which was equally if not more entertaining. Today, three things happened repeatedly. One is, I met new people. New names to learn and things to find out. (fun). Two, I got asked if I have a car. Yes I do and why is that a main question? (vroom). Three is people would ask if I have a boyfriend and although I'd like one (why? dontask) -- I don't. That's fine, but how come I haven't been asked that in awhile? Is it the faabulous haircut Jackie Chan gave me, with her funky kung-fu stizzle? Or is it that after awhile, the unemployed seek out each other and I'll be making out with some guy who's averaging about what I am from the government every week? Answer me! It's okay... I don't need to deal with guys anyways. They suck.
Having said that, I am going to bed so I don't have to think anymore. snarf.
Tuesday, May 07, 2002
Ok, so WHY did we go out drinking, again? Was it to make up for the fact that the weekend was pretty beige? Gray? Narrow pinstripes that are so close together they make your eyes hurt? Most everyone I talked to was like, "Whee! Cinco de Mayo! Oh, yeah, I drank allll weekend lonnng... still recovering, thanks for asking!" Whereas mine was like, umm can I sit around for awhile, go see a skatemovie while drinking a minimal amount of nasty vodka then roll out to Burien? Ah, lovely Burien skatepark. Nothing like a 12vr of Busch (don't ask. out of PBR) and a skatemovie to get you stoked on fast snakebowl runs. I think I was in bed by like 10pm on Sunday. yay the fifth of May, y'all!
With that intro, I don't know how to come to last night, today. It was fuzzy but quickly dissolving into a bunch of "huh?" I really actually had my mind set for Rival Schools and I was kind of OK with the other bands which I'm sure were fun and I hope Jakson wasn't bummed I wanted to go somewhere else. I felt like one of those signs where the arrows go around in circles and point off into 3 different directions but eventually the circle comes back to where you're standing. Linda's is good for chillin'. I didn't want to go home yet I lacked the energy it takes to think of what to DO. That somehow lead us to Nation. Monday nights ROCK there! I totally forgot! Too bad it didn't start earlier. Another too bad was Marcy staying past 2am to keep dancing and drinking because I Hate having beer in my belly in the morning. I should have gotten a ticket for driving this morning, swear to god. I feel like I should be able to breakdance, it's in me but there is no way in hell you're going to see me out there rubbing my head against a well polished floor. Maybe if I had my own apartment with wood floors and mirrors all over the living room... Right now I think I hafe enough going on and don't really need to add a new activity.
Man I had such great aspirations for today. Wonderful things were going to happen, I tell you! So far the coolest thing I've done is get a hashbrown at mcd's. Mmmm, tasty hashbrown I love you. If the guy I marry can make hashbrowns like that, I'll be the luckiest girl.
Sweet potatoey inside. My cat is being a nerd today and doesn't want any attention. I really wanted her to sit on me to keep from reeling off the bed this afternoon, before I was able to walk straight. But noooo. Kitty rules.
Wednesday, May 01, 2002
Yesterday, it was so hot out I couldn't get over it! Met Caro for lunch at the ohsotasty Honey Hole, where the guy behind the counter gets a dollar tip from me for getting a lime for my beer. Mmmm, sanwich! Then we skated (Burien. what'd you think?), headed over to Rain City for about 3 minutes then to get yummy icecream at the Mix. Oooh, there's another place I love. Where else do you get to tell someone to put reeses, caramel and boysenberries in your dish? Nowhere I know! Then there were killer reject pigeons attacking us for food, so we left to get a 12vr of PBR from ye ol' Hop-In market. Longboarding down fresh pavement with a beer in your hand with the sun blaring down while you're wearing a tank top and sunglasses is so rad. Then today comes and it's overcast. Why do I wonder? It's like, I grew up here and just from hearing all the imports talk about the schitty weather - makes me get stupid and wonder, too?
Then Jackson picked me up and I had another beer, but I was tired and couldn't drink very well anymore. Now it's today and I kinda just want to drink again. Need a job, searching MS-jobs online and need to call my cousin to see if she knows any of the people who are hiring.
I gotta do some stuffs now. Bye!
Saturday, April 27, 2002
Don't ask why we always do the mini-tour of parks. I'm starting to get really stoked on Burien. Went out tonight for like an hour.5, it was super fun especially cuz there were 2 other girls there. Yay! And a bunch of guys who were ripping up the bowl. This summer is going to be Rad.
Kinda bummed I'm going surfing tomorrow. Not because I'm surfing. That will be fun, for sure. This time it sounds like I'm actually going to hit it at the right time. Bummed because I could just skate most of tomorrow. If we get back early enough I'm taking the 5 back down to Burien.
Need a website layout. Tired of the photo-display approach. Need colors, need better/mas creative navigation and stuffs. Going to bed soon. Yawn. I'm such a pooper, don't wanna do nuthin' on a Saturday night. Want to rent Blue Velvet but too lazy to go to movie place.
Friday, April 26, 2002
Anything else new? It's been almost a month. My stupid car needs a Third tranny overhaul. How dumb is that? I have 3 interviews next week so everyone get ready for drinks, I'm gonna want 'em. Need to post like 3 different categories of pics to my site. Where have I been that all these things aren't getting done? Looking for a job, trying to find strategic places to stash my car so I can report it stolen and just get a new one...
Besides skating this summer has some rad concerts coming. I better get a job so I can better support my extracurricular activities. No drugs, silly. Between mini road trips and shows I'm gonna be a busy girl.
There was a point where I wanted to mark festical and the trips up to Whistler with Jackson but now they're past and I guess I'm going to haf to rely on myself to get those pics up to tell the stories. Drank a bunch of vodka before skating yesterday and now all I want is sunny days and so-Oregon skateparks. Ship me outta here, I want better, smoother, bigger parks! You hear me? Grrrr....
Monday, April 01, 2002
Today was my go-nowhere day. It was nice, having a Monday all for ME. I stayed at Rich's last night and got to sleep in. Nice. Smelling his hair. Flannel sheets and daylight slowly creeping through windows. Whispers of butterflies and laughter... I should have gotten up when he left and headed out surfing.
It was so sunny and nice out today! Perfect for surfing. Since I got that new leash, maybe this time I won't get stranded out past the breakers. That was Lame. But it didn't kill my wanting. It's back, the get out & go; the don'twannaride the rest of the season feeling. What's with that? Snowboarding consumes me, it gets in the way of me doing so much. The past few years though, once the powder is over and it's not quite to the slushy park/pipe days full of blishful sun, I'm over it. Don't wanna trek up and ride. Want to surf though. Want to go!
So, not today. No ocean. What did I do, then? Laundry! Weee! Got out all of my artsy papers and had a rad thing I was going to glue together, but then I got a nap attack and slept for 2 hours. Next thing I know, I wake up to the sun blaring over my neighbor's roof into my room and all I can think about is running around Greenlake with the rest of the Seattle. So that's what I did. Ahh!
Sunday, March 31, 2002
Mmmm, chocolate. How I love you. How I am going to be incredibly sick and ill from over-indulgence of chocolate after tonight...
I gotta go get some wine for dinner. I'm still on a semi-hiatus from drinking (haven't gotten buzzed in about 2 weeks), but wine is always fine. Next time you see me, I'll be hangin' with the winos on 2nd and Pine.
The Olympia skatepark has scary roll-ins. I haven't felt so wussy about skating in a very long time. Wah.
Friday, March 15, 2002
Last night and this morning will not be on my blog. Censored. If you were around me, I'm sorry. I didn't know I could be like that. It's 6:47pm and I'm just starting to generate new brain cells. Ug. Today was meant to be snowboarding. Since I've been riding Stevens since like February, I really wanted to go back to Alpy. This year is the first in like 5 years that I didn't go to the pass almost every day. I miss it! I've probably ridden Whistler more than Alpental, that's how bad it's been. But I've gotten some really good powder days in, and my major plus this season: Girls. Maybe it's something to do with Stevens, I dunno - but this year I have ridden almost solidly with girls. Yay, us!
I gotta stop this thinking. Can't handle it. Tired of resisting chocolate. Are you happy, Jesus?
Sunday, March 10, 2002
I can't remember last night. So many people, and most of them I just met so it was a lot of talking. This morning (even right now), there is about twelve pounds of rocks in my head. Breakfast this morning, we went to the Index cafe which is famous for getting shut down every month from the health board. We went in and sat down but when they saw how many people there were, we got called a fire hazard and got moved to the corner. Thank god for breakfast. The food was way shitty - the ketchup was sour (??) and even the OJ tasted funny, but I needed it so bad.
And now I'm home. And, I need a job. The crackhead I was supposed to start working for (tomorrow!) decided that he didn't like that I didn't want to work after 6pm. Even left me a nice (sarcasm), long message on my phone saying how I have the completely wrong attitude and if I don't change how I am my whole life is going to be a disaster. Man, that guy was weird. I'm not even getting into it.
So the hunt continues.
Anyone wanna hire me?
Monday, March 04, 2002
So soon, I start working (hypothetically). Today I spent hours skating. Burien, Lakewood, Gig Harbor. I really like skateboarding because it's hard. When I can finally do something (like, if I ever can do a backside turn!) it's a great feeling. The kind that makes me want to keep trying and not go in for beers. The kind that pushes me although my legs say "no more!" It's just something that I can't do every once & awhile. Ok, I can but then I stay on this plateau. Since I snowboard so much I don't think I notice the plateaus and even if I do, it's easier to get a step up because I spend longer trying things, I go up more often. Until last summer, I spent more time surfing in the summers than skating. Why does everything have a give & take? Well, at least I can - it's just a matter of if I want to get better at one thing over another.
I should be doing so many Things, instead of this blog right now. Forever am I hating the list I create of my to-dos. So much time, always things to do. Today I vote to not prioritize until I go to bed. Maybe I'll add to my website. It's still shabby...
poems, sinking like stones, all that we fall for
homes, places we've grown, all of us are done for
and we live in a beautiful world, yes we do
Tuesday, February 26, 2002
Back from surfing, or what there was to be had. What a quick trip, am I really back? I love leaving. I love seeing how other people live, meeting people who live in different cultures, and just letting go of the rules that this country imposes on you. Each time I go away, I want to not go home more. No, wait. Each time I come home from a trip I want to go somewhere new. Being in the same place... Makes me want adventures. I feel tied to where I live because of comfort. Because of friends, the mountains which I love so much, the weather is great for what I like to do...
But it isn't permanent. Where do I go next? Can I stay away longer?
Or can I just eat sushi and float off into a tasty dragon roll? Mmmm.
Monday, February 11, 2002
Sunday, February 10, 2002
It was a slight surprise to have him call me when he was coming home. What really goes on in a man's head? Why is it that I care so much? Because I will never know, and there are some things that are hard to accept, such as not knowing things that I could possibly find out if I was persistent & bitchy. But I really don't want to be bitchy. Too much is going on for me to do That. Some part of me is satified running on the fact that it's nice he calls me & wants to see me. At the same time I feel like I know I'm cheating myself out of something that could be better because I'm letting him be like that to me. Not actively doing something about it, I'm just giving up. I'm putting my dreams on a shelf and focusing on the other parts of my story.
I hope Casey calls me back because I need to talk to someone tonight. My emotions have been pretty even and I feel upward about where I'm going, which is encouraging especially since I feel like I've been fed a dirty dish sometimes lately. Casey helps me at least feel normal. It's so easy to wonder why I'm so weird and then I talk to him and am reminded that everyone's life is weird and hard and fun and a challenge all at once. That's why you have to live it, make your decisions and learn to accept what happens. Loving yourself and having no regrets has to be some of the best words to live by for me. Learning is so much more valuable than dwelling on the things that have turned you upside down in your past and allowing them to grow into huge road blocks.
Wednesday, January 23, 2002
He's writing me to say that he loves me. Telling me he's in class, thinking about ditching school to come and hang out with me (even though I'm in class, too?). He's writing me to say he's sorry he had to work so much all week because he had to work or whatever. Even though my memory doesn't recall everything, I don't think I've ever been the kind of person to be all upset about someone not being around, or having a life. Then he's telling me he's sorry he pissed me off, he wants to know if I still love him and that he still loves me. I don't remember a hard breakup. I don't think he even broke my heart. What I remember is that he was doing drugs so much, I got tired of hanging out with his loser friends so we stopped hanging out. From his letters it sounds so serious. I guess that's how high school was. Everything had so much Meaning.
Is this about my memory? Have I created a false memory of my life?
Tuesday, January 15, 2002
and grind me
Who's turning round?
I hate thinking about what I went through with him. It always reminds me about how I always have to have someone but I Hate that about me. In my dreams I fly alone, in my thoughts I am strong and don't let people persuade me. But come back down - where am I now? This moment should be cherished, I should be lavishing about and smiling at who I am becoming.
I don't want to be social. I want to float up and lose my mind, be able to let go and have my art carry itself, build and grow and become something that I would be in awe of. So many things I have built into this wall that I think is there. It's not. Begonia is sitting on my skateboard looking all stoic. She has been in this really poised attitude lately. As if there is always someone adoring her from nearby. I need to take a picture of this - my 6lb. dainty kitty, who has perfected the "who, me?" look - looking 'cute' on my skateboard. I know that griptape has to be irritating her delicate pads and fur on her paws...
Sunday, January 13, 2002
There was something there because we both could feel it. It was hard to keep away, and some part of it was addicting because we didn't tire of being around each other. The thing that I get hung up on is what is it about me that makes him feel weird? Really, most of the time I don't accuse myself of doing something wrong, but something about him got me all hung up. It's been a long time since someone had that effect on me. I should be scared. I should run to somewhere besides here and think about other things, because this one is not going to magically go somewhere wonderful.
Friday, January 11, 2002
I can wait a million days.
Saturday, January 05, 2002
It's not that I'm depressed, I just lack that feeling of love that I usually have inside. I feel it in there, I know I will get past this point in my life. Everyone says (and they're right) that I'm young and I have much to look forward to. Getting past this no-job, no-life, basic blah period of my life isn't the worst. At least I keep plodding forth. At least I'm not married with kids, or have some bad disease. There are so many positives, but it's hard when my negatives add up to this big weight that I don't like feeling every day. I feel angry inside, like some grrrl band is constantly playing hate songs: the kind we used to joke about in high school, when it was funny to listen to bikini kill and not take them seriously. But now there are girls screaming inside my head and I am constantly scared of lashing out on someone and killing all friendships, just because I'm mad at the world that my situation won't change.
The internet is great because It doesn't care. Everyone or no one could be listening, and maybe it will just implode into space - we'll all be left wondering what to do with ourselves.