Tuesday, February 26, 2002

Delerium. Love. Thhhbbtth.

Back from surfing, or what there was to be had. What a quick trip, am I really back? I love leaving. I love seeing how other people live, meeting people who live in different cultures, and just letting go of the rules that this country imposes on you. Each time I go away, I want to not go home more. No, wait. Each time I come home from a trip I want to go somewhere new. Being in the same place... Makes me want adventures. I feel tied to where I live because of comfort. Because of friends, the mountains which I love so much, the weather is great for what I like to do...

But it isn't permanent. Where do I go next? Can I stay away longer?

Or can I just eat sushi and float off into a tasty dragon roll? Mmmm.

Monday, February 11, 2002

This white sausage is FAST.

I just wanted to say that watching the olympics is fun and I love what the announcers say. XOXO announcers!

Sunday, February 10, 2002

Something in me is speaking but I cannot verbalize it. Why do I keep hanging out with him? It's not like I feel like things are changing. I hope to god I'm not deceiving my self but I probably am. Honesty is good. Feeling happy is good. Acknowledging that right now, I am doing what I want to be doing, is good. But I still feel unfulfilled, which is making me feel dislodged. Disgruntled. Discouraged. Disembodied? Disdisdisdis.

It was a slight surprise to have him call me when he was coming home. What really goes on in a man's head? Why is it that I care so much? Because I will never know, and there are some things that are hard to accept, such as not knowing things that I could possibly find out if I was persistent & bitchy. But I really don't want to be bitchy. Too much is going on for me to do That. Some part of me is satified running on the fact that it's nice he calls me & wants to see me. At the same time I feel like I know I'm cheating myself out of something that could be better because I'm letting him be like that to me. Not actively doing something about it, I'm just giving up. I'm putting my dreams on a shelf and focusing on the other parts of my story.

I hope Casey calls me back because I need to talk to someone tonight. My emotions have been pretty even and I feel upward about where I'm going, which is encouraging especially since I feel like I've been fed a dirty dish sometimes lately. Casey helps me at least feel normal. It's so easy to wonder why I'm so weird and then I talk to him and am reminded that everyone's life is weird and hard and fun and a challenge all at once. That's why you have to live it, make your decisions and learn to accept what happens. Loving yourself and having no regrets has to be some of the best words to live by for me. Learning is so much more valuable than dwelling on the things that have turned you upside down in your past and allowing them to grow into huge road blocks.