Thursday, October 31, 2002

You know what's my new peeve? It is fucking cold out, but it's not raining. I can't skate after werk because the fucken sun has gone down. I don't have a car so it's not convenient to go to rain schitty. If it were wet & snowy, I could snowboard. If it were summertime, I could skate. BUT ITS NOT EITHER. Fuck this shite. I have my board at work but I'm too not-caught-up to leave and go skate for lunch. When I transfer out of Ride, and I have more freedom with my schedule, I'd like to go play on the wooden ramps like twice a week, at least. That would be such a nice break from work!

It's Halloween. Can we say big fat wheee? I like bats and devils and evil little crawly creatures, but I hate costumes. I have always sucked at thinking of "what to be" so I decided awhile ago to fuk that. Much happier now. I gotta get my shit together for tomorrow so I can go eat dinner and go get beers. I don't wanna watch tv tonight or go to bed early. (ok, too early?). I don't know what I want.

Kung fu was fun tonight. I am starting to feel stronger with my stances and blocks. Kicking is still not my strength, but it's fun. It feels weird, so many of the things we do with our bodies that aren't natural, but give an inner power somehow. Aaaah I can't write anymore I need to go eat and drink and be merry.

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

Ahh, total relaxation sets in. Mind is free and wandering...exploring thoughts that are usually supressed. Not the kind of supression that is because of the fear behind the thought of emancipating, but the holding back of thoughts because I don't want to give them a half-ass effort. I love travelling through my mind. The things coming up, for this winter, are getting me all bright and poppy inside. I love winter because *snowboard*, and I love exploration. Going to new mountains, or ones I don't know that well, excite me. Although I will always love Alpental and Whistler and Stevens, I tire of going there when it is a mediocre day. But if I'm somewhere new, with so much terrain and turns and trees to explore, I can have fun on a groomer day.

Ah, the whine..OF COURSE I can have fun any day! I have fun in the rain. I have fun on ice (sometimes. now, that is a whiney situation.) I get worried of my weekends filling up because I like to be free for other things that come up like, spur-of-the-moment sort of things. Like, hey it dumped and we're all taking off in the morning. Oh man I'm all jittery just thinking about how bad I want it to snow!!

And sooo tired tonight. It's 9:24 and I could just pass the F out. Think I will. It feels good to not have a pile of things on my mind. This week has been a good one, I feel like I'm on a nice smooth road with large windows that take in the scenery and I have a mind that is not clogged so communication inside myself and to the outside world is easier. Sometimes I feel all flustered with just trying to understand my self and why my brain is even in me at all, and then I have to turn around and do things like interact with others. Weird.

And I feel so happy about Brian. For what seemed to me like a long time, I was dating guys and not finding something that felt solid. I was fluttering around and not even thinking that I was coming close to what I needed. I like the feeling of security. I really think that it helps me stabilize something inside me. I wonder if that has to do with how I was brought up? Or how I was with friends growing up? Because everyone is different, some people like to be single and don't worry about dating. Some people like dating, but know they are fine on their own and don't sweat it either way. And then some people don't feel good unless they are with someone. Of Course there are many other ways people can be. Those are just my main categories I go by in distinguishing how people deal. I think that I am comfortable with being in a good, healthy, loving relationship and like my sense of standing on my own and still being myself. In the past I have thrown myself into someone, and died inside as a result. The feeling I get with him, about us - it sends my emotions reeling into all sorts of fun and bright colors and things that conjur up laughter, smiles. It's warm hugs and positive reinforcement. I love it so much, I can honestly say that it is something completely new for me. I am just So Very Happy inside that I feel ready. I am ready, and am excited for what's in my future. I don't dread learning about him, for fear of finding out he's a freak or has issues.

Now I go to bed. Warm soft blankets and lots of pillows and my kitty on my chest, murmuring loves and purrs and drooling on me out of sheer joy. Night.

Thursday, October 24, 2002

Fog is crawling on hands and knees, like a toddler around the buildings outside my window. Thick as swamp mud, it creates new visions of the tall silent giants. Full of mornings; coffee smells and tired eyes, hangovers and chatterboxes trying to get used to today. Buildings in this city are sometimes beautiful art but other times ugly expressionless blocks of cement and windows, only serving their purpose to have elevators and rooms. In this mysterious fog however, they are looking at each other through slanted eyes. Not on alert, but seeing like we do. They are free to expression because they are not so much on display as usual, they are not visibile the whole way around and therefore can breathe. People can't see this. People go about in their cars, finding their parking lots and doorways to life. The buildings stand above them, for a few hours - or at least until the fog lifts - they can emminate feeling into the moist air. Whatever they choose. Older ones push confusion and mis-sights into people's eyes. Younger, more attractive buildings breathe dreams into lovers reach, the fog has no limits. They are no longer part of the scene, but helping create it.

But this Fog, it prevents sight. I cannot tell if the sun is rising, or blaring above my head. Gray is changing the colors of everything to just drab. Trees are still sleeping, the birds don't know to wake them up yet. Preventing my view past the freeway outside my apartment, I cannot see the lake and the hill or even the Space Needle. It appears I am on an island where I-5 is the border. The businesses in the big buildings aren't worried about their reports or meetings - their only concern as of 8am is making it through the fog. Don't get eaten by the drab, stay alive! In this weather it is easy to get sucked into bed; warm covers and sweet soft light lulling you back to sleep.

It's lovely creativity floating through me, with the fog in my eyes. I can see only four blocks away in every direction and I love the feeling of cold, expect the feeling of unstability outside because this town wants normalcy. The weather her is anything but. People complain when it's not sunny - or sunny but not warm. Not all of them; some revel in the changes and it gives them energy. People like me, who welcome the seasons and tire of the warmth, the too much sunny days and not enough rainstorms, lightening, and snow in the mountains.

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

Tired today. Been tired for awhile. What's the reason? Sometimes I think I'm overwhelmed, but really I should be handling me ok. Maybe I just think I'm used to the work I do but really I'm still adjusting. Whatever the reason, energy levels have been kinda down.

Other than that, things are good. Having fun at work, keeping stress down as much as I can. Been hanging out with Brian all the time and having a great time. Too tired to write about it much now, but hip-happy inside. Like the things we go do, like to make plans and love waking up next to him every morning. So cozy. So lovey. It's pretty much like, whatever we have planned is fun. So I don't dread anything, I don't wish things like "aww, I kinda wanna stay home" or stuff like that. It's good.

Need to go work now...want to take a nap. Zzzz. Begonia wants to play. I love my kitty. She's so well-mannered, and I know she hates it that I work. From the second I come home to whenever I leave, she's right there. It's probably because we live up on the tenth floor, so she doesn't really have much else going on, but she still likes to hang out by my side. When we live in a house or somewhere she can go exploring or hunting outside, she's a little more picky on when we can hang out. I'm sad she can't go hunting. I want the next place I live in to have somewhere for Begonia to go outside, even if it's just a deck. I'm so picky for my little picky girl.