Tuesday, June 08, 2004


Still stupid that they broke up. It's been so too long since they played and I could cry knowing that they won't ever play again. Stupid getting a bimbo's burrito with Jenn making your burrito and all those gnarly tattoos but NO MORE music? No sense. No music, Yes burritos. Wasteland restaurant, swallows your musicians. Saw someone today who looked exactly like you. Funny how the years go by.

Sunday, May 30, 2004

And talk of all the things we did today
And laugh about our funny little ways
While we have a few minutes to breathe
Then I know that it's time you must leave

But darling be home soon
I couldn't bear to wait an extra minute if you dawdled
My darling be home soon
It's not just these few hours but I've been waiting since I toddled
For the great relief of having you to talk to

And now
A quarter of my life is almost past
I think I've come to see myself at last
And I see that the time spent confused
Was the time that I spent without you
And I feel myself in bloom

So darling be home soon
I couldn't bear to wait an extra minute if you dawdled
My darling be home soon
It's not just these few hours but I've been waiting since I toddled
For the great relief of having you to talk to

------ instrumental break ------

Darling be home soon
I couldn't bear to wait an extra minute if you dawdled
My darling be home soon
It's not just these few hours but I've been waiting since I toddled
For the great relief of having you to talk to

And beat your crazy head against the sky
And see beyond the houses and your eyes
It's ok to shoot the moon

So darling
My darling be home soon
I couldn't bear to wait an extra minute if you dawdled
My darling be home soon
It's not just these few hours but I've been waiting since I toddled
For the great relief of having you to talk to

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Tonight so far:
Work. Stopped when Honeypie came home but am supposed to start back up. Do I have a.d.d.? I am so easily distracted, but Want to get this done! I hate that our work schedule is so rigorous. Not fast-paced - rigorous. As in, don't stop, don't think, just get it done! They need it, they will pester you for it. I don't have much time for research, thinking of fun/ideas - no. So taking a bubble bath tonight, drinking some wine was sooo necessary but now it's like ACK! Almost 9.30pm and still don't have a clue of how to re-design tech sections for ride. I started something last week but don't like it. The main problem is that I don't like their site. It's so...techy? Not in an up-to-date sense but just rigid and 90-degree angles and not much room for creative. Then they want 'fun' thrown in there. Yeah, right.

So...this wine is good. Anyone want to talk about something besides work? Ug. I hope I can find some inspiration in the next half-hour or so, or else I'm quitting and going to bed.

It's been a torrential downpour at some point throughout the day for the past three days, which I LOVE. It's exciting: the booming thunder, huge rain pelting against the windows, big puddles and mini-rivers accumulating and running down streetways and gutters. Don't get me wrong, I like it to be sunny and happy out but the rain gets me excited inside.

And: backtoworking. (wah face.)


Wednesday, May 26, 2004

This is terrible. For the past three days all I crave when I'm hungry is PoTaTo Chips! Why? They don't fill me up well, they taste pretty good but make me feel like a big slob...wah.

So now we're putting out a job proposal to this guy to come in and help and I'm having thoughts of my boss not liking my work anymore. It's ridiculous but I can't stop myself from feeling threatened. I think it will be great, having help and we can do more, focus on features on the sites instead of running full-steam ahead non-stop.

Glad to be around this weekend and have nothing planned. It feels good, just having all this time open to do whatever we like. Hope it clears up...Oh! Going dress shopping today! Very excited for this. Hope it's pretty easy, that I don't have to order dresses to try on and such. I know it will be fun, and I'm glad Gin & Hol can help me out because I think sometimes I have a warped view of what I look like? Not that I picture myself fat or ugly, but I think I look good in things that aren't flattering or don't fit me well. This is where B comes in and tells me to change my shoes or match a different shirt or something. Thank god for him!

Ok werk is calling me back (along with the potato chips) ::

Friday, May 21, 2004

I have been the biggest grump in the entire world for the past 24 hours. I am SICK of being broken, my shoulders hurting, my face looks so great (two black eyes, green-bruised forehead...), it hurts to sit too long, etc. WAH! One thing that I am very lucky about is my husband-to-be is very understanding, sympathetic and is doing his best to turn our smallish apartment into a garden of vases and flowers and such. If I were to be left alone I would probably explode from all these scattered emotions I'm feeling. But then he calls me to say HI and it calms me down...for the most part. Sometimes I'm in this work-funnel and I really don't want to talk. He's still sweet though.

This weekend: I'm starting to get all bummed that we're not doing the lapushe trip with the gang. In about two hours they'll all be loading up on ferries and such and I'll be hacking away at fun code! It's probably mean of me, but I'm glad it's at least raining. I can't surf for at least another week, I can't skate, I can't ride my bike even! Thank god people want to go to movies and keep me otherwise occupied. Scrabble sounds like a good thing to do this weekend, too.

Did I tell you I still might have to get surgery? Yeah. If the ultrasound I get in a few weeks shows the cyst is still in my ovary, they are going in. I am rolling my eyes as I'm typing. Sure hope it goes away!

Back to work. Going in next week actually sounds like fun (!) since I haven't been in now for almost two weeks...

Monday, May 17, 2004

Hi. I don't want to write this out, but I'm going to before I get sick of telling the story all-together and never write it down. So I think I wrote on Saturday, right? So that day went fine. Great, actually - I got all the shopping I needed to get done, done; I went out to Woodinville & brought B his golf clubs and made his day (did I say previously how much I wanted to spoil him this weekend?), got a lunch w/him; went to Whole Foods and got everything delicious for dinner, got more presents wrapped and started on dinner pretty much on time. Full day there! Dinner was great, B was stoked (I think) on all his presents, and we played boggle. There was also some hanky-panky, but I don't need to write about that here!

So things get interesting around 10:00 when I get cramps. I thought "oh, this sucks, I'm going to get my period tomorrow" and we went to bed around 10:30, me still thinking how much I Hate cramps, and these ones were real bad. I couldn't move too well and it hurt to stand up. At 1am I woke up in extreme pain, but thought I had to pee. So I somehow make it to the toilet and I'm doubled over, thinking to myself that I'm really in too much pain to even pee.

Next thing, I'm hearing B yelling "what are you doing?!" "melissa! get up!" and I am facedown out by the computer table, lying on some shoes. My entire body is sweating, I'm cold and my ears sound like water rushing or like tin pipes. I feel my forehead and it's like there's a golf ball above my right eyebrow. My pants are still down to my knees from when I was on the loo. "Why are you bleeding?" - I look down and the wine bottle that fell, I thought it spilled some wine on me. - I am getting the chills writing this. - I tell him it's the wine, and he says "no, look at your fingers - where are you bleeding." I can't move, I'm on my back holding my knees to my chest and B calls 911. I'm crying, my abdomen is just killing me and for the first time, I'm really scared about what's wrong with me. I thought I just had menstrual cramps but something more terrible happened. When 911 showed up, there were two doctors peering down at me, then three more showed up and finally when I had to be put on the stretcher, three came in. Eight paramedics in our little apartment! About 15 times I was asked if I could be pregnant. They thought maybe a baby was in my fallopian tubes.

So, riding in an ambulance isn't fun. It was cold and very uncomfortable. I was all strapped down and really wanted to put my knees back to my chest. They take me to the hospital and find that I was bleeding from a cut that was about an inch-and-a-half in size, and I don't know how deep b/c it is by my right ear. They stick an IV in me, they novocaine up my noggin and I get a real messy wash job done on the cut. By this time I've given blood, had my blood pressure/pulse taken about six times and it's about 2:45am. The doctor comes in to STAPLE my cut shut. I didn't see the instrument but it made that good CAH-CHUNG noise that staple guns make. B took a good pic of it today, it's pretty gnarly.

What next? Oh, I'm injected with fenadril or something and it instantly makes me feel like I'm tipsy-drunk. Pretty funny. The doctors are still asking me if I could be pregnant, but the blood test says NO. (thank god!). Next, they want to do a cat-scan, because now they're leaning towards it being my appendix. I'm not scared of being cut up or needles and stuff, but I really didn't want a surgery. But whatever, it wasn't my appendix. The cat-scan was interesting. B said the control room was all star-trek looking; lots of buttons with lights, dials and whathaveyou. The scan didn't take long, and I was still tipsy so it wasn't bad.

Now we get to wait...and wait...give blood, take some blood pressure...wait...B was SO patient, I felt terrible for him! I at least got to lie down but he had one of those horrible plastic chairs, nothing to lean on to snooze. I think it was like 4:30a when the doctor Finally came in to announce that he thinks I had a cyst in my abdomen that burst, and the blood in there was causing my bad pain. And that I likely passed out in the bathroom, that it burst when I was sitting there. It's still weird that I don't remmeber how I fell or cut myself. Scary too.

Great, so now we knew what it must be but we had to wait for a room in the hospital so I could get out of the ER! Poor, poor lovey - I was fading in and out from the pain meds and he had nothing but the uncomfortable chair and bad TV to watch. I kept telling him to go home because I felt bad but he wanted to stay. So finally, it's like 7:30a and I have a room! I am wheeled on my bed through a maze of different elevators and hallways and find myself in my room. Not a bad room - I had a view of Harborview (that building is Huge!), a little of Amazon and the water. My OWN room, too - no sharing my TV with someone else, or being worried about no privacy. And the electronic bed was a luxury, for the time being.

I think this is the longest blog I have ever written. So I am there, I kinda get to sleep but I have to give blood ten more times, more blood pressure checks, I get to have an ultrasound - which was super cool. I could see my kidneys, my uterus, bladder, ovaries...and the cysts. There were two of those bastards! One had already burst, and I could tell b/c it looked not dense and smallish. The second one was IN my right ovary, and is still there. My doc decided not to do surgery b/c my body will likely take care of it itself. Go, me! So I got to come home today just at noon - I had been there just about 36 hours!

Not much else to tell - of course I had visitors, and B was so sweet through everything. I feel so terrible b/c even though there is nothing I could have done to prevent any of it, it still happened on his birthday.

What a blog this is! That should keep you up-to-date for awhile. I have to stay home and be unactive for awhile, so I doubt there will be much else to report on until I'm a little better. Going to figure out a new layout for dillo site now (hopfully). Wish me luck!

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Oh my god, I just posted and saw I didn't write ANYTHING in April. Holy crap have I been that busy? Way to go, me.
Well, HELLOOOoooo.

I have been doing so much running around and thinking about everything for B's birthday, it's been so fun! And I really think that I did a good job so far on everything this year. I don't want to say much about anything right now in case for some reason he comes home and decides to check on my blog before we eat dinner or something strange like that. Speaking of dinner, he requested that I make spaghetti. Now, I think I'm a pretty competent cook but something tells me that he's scared I'm going to fuck it up or try something new that's no good. Spaghetti is a safe bet. He doesn't even want me to make the sauce!

Oh, I better get going on that...I AM going to make the sauce, and it's going to be damn good too. I'm even going to make the garlic bread. And I have to shower still...oh, augh! I don't need to have a panic attack about getting everything done. Stay calm...breathe...

Did I tell you how good Belle & Sebastian were? SO GOOD: I danced my ass off (in boots!) and sang along to every song. It was so fun so fun. Too bad they only come to Seattle every three years or whatevear. Weird, we just had a slew of shows and I can't think of anything coming that I care too much about seeing. Hm.

Started making list of people to invite to the wedding. I have to keep on myself about these things, I forget how fast time flies and once July hits, the summer is going to breeze by. Bye!

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Today I am in such a bummer mood,. I don't like when I open myself up to someone and really feel like they care about me, when they just end up ignoring me and taking me for granted. Everything in me feels so childish right now. You know what? I was looking forward to going to the show tonight w/Sara but she won't return emails and I know she gets them because she is a freak about checking stuff like that. Did I do something? Am I rude to her? Why does this pattern keep happening to me? As long as I can make friends, they've been leaving me.

Feeling lonely isn't fun. Piled up work is a mask for me to ignore that I have been kinda unmotivated to go out and do things lately. Coming in to work is the mindset I need to change. It seems so different w/Gin gone and I don't know why. I come in, I hide in my corner and code away. I dream of going out surfing, I want to go skate more and be outside and be active.

I don't even feel like typing now. So blah.

Saturday, March 27, 2004

I love lying in bed with my laptop. I love the heater blowing air on my cold toes. I love my fianceƩ and am so excited planning our wedding! The past two weeks I have been working so nonstop, so diligently. It was fun going out last night...so bad of a reminder that long island ice teas are Not Good. Why did it have to taste like a margarita so much? And then I got a second one? Gimme a break.

There are these pigeons determined to build a nest outside my window. They freak out at any movement or loud noise or cat looking at them (like Begonia!). The male will bring a nice long twig to use and the female will break off this tiny little piece and let the rest of it fall to the ground. So far they've built four starts to a nest and then start over. I am convinced that pigeons are not too smart. The girl should have been fed up with the male's competence in finding sticks so far. Or maybe it's the other way -- he's doing a great job, she's just a novice & not too sure how to put a nest together.

Ok I just started thinking this: where do all the birds in the city go when they die? Do they fly out over the water or mountains far away from everything and give their bodies back to the earth? There are thousands of birds, but only rarely do you see a dead one from result of being hit by a car or something. How will I ever figure out this puzzle...

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Death is such a humbling thing. Getting Casey's email this morning wasn't surprising, I knew someday it would happen. It was like getting punched in the stomach, I curled up in my chair and let the tears come out. I feel so many things about it, from sadness for him losing his mom after such a long, hard battle; I feel more sad that I didn't get to visit her than I did when my own grandpa died. Having the older people in my life pass away hasn't been that hard. Sad, yes...I don't understand my emotions. The cherry blossoms are blowing petals through the wind and I think that karin is in heaven of some kind, with other angels that brought happiness and knowledge to so many other people.

Obviously I don't want to be at work today. It's very hard to concentrate and then someone sends out an email responding to casey's, about karin and my eyes well up. Karin was always interested in who you were, what you were up to, and genuinely cared. She was outgoing, understanding, compassionate...all the things that you would expect and hope for a mom and friend to be.

I would like to talk to casey even though I don't know what I would say except that I love him and am around if he needs me. I can't imagine how I would feel or god, if I'd even want to talk about anything, if one of my parents got cancer and went through all she did. The hard thing is knowing that nothing I say could make it at all better. Things like this you can't fake through your feelings or hope for more experience so you "know what to say" but I feel like I could offer nothing, I haven't been through it.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

and when I see you
I really see you upside down
but my brain knows better
it picks you up and turns you around
turns you around
turns you around

I am still in love with the words ben gibbard writes. Beautiful background, teary-eyed foreground. Soon I will become one with my computer. Communicating solely via keyboard.

Monday, February 23, 2004

Why, hello there, Blog.

This weekend was Spectacular! Riding at Mission was so so beautiful, sunny and warm...But! Cold enough that we got some sweet fresh powder turns through chutes, across fields and up some step-ups. Best local ski weekend for sure.

And in more exciting news: I AM ENGAGED! Yes, me. I didn't really think B was serious when he asked me, which was funny. He was so sweet and wonderful - I can't remember what he said verbatim but I instantly started crying and everything turned upside down. I actually thought I might fall out of the chairlift. Then I was worried I would drop the ring, or how to tell people I'm going to officially get married. I'm so happy that he did it when he did, everything was perfect. Sunny blue skies and with such good friends. Taking that last run down to the lodge, I'll never forget how my heart felt racing in my chest.

And all day I've been jittery to start planning the where, whos, etc of getting married! My mind keeps drifting off to it all day even though I have all this list to knock out. I know that everything will be perfect - we have the best ideas together.

Ok back to work...>>>>>>>

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Drinking coffee does no good. Not ready for tea. Excited to look at fruit booter pictures for the next couple days as I get this segment done.

Feel like hopping in a car and sleeping in the back seat, waking up and going riding or camping or hiking or Away!

Sounds kinda like this weekend will be.

Drinking coffee drains my mind. Splat*

Thursday, February 05, 2004

! ! !
I remembered my dream:
Where did it start...I was hanging out with Sarah, but this was in 8th or 9th grade and they were living up in Cedar Ridge. We had gone out to dinner with her dad, Scott, Kali and I don't know where her mom was. It was mexican food or something else that was crappy in north bend. Her dad was driving an older vanagon and we had to rig something to get the door to shut, the windows were all hack jobs...it was as if the van would fall apart at any moment. So we get home, and they're living in this brown house, the lawn is nice and green but you can tell they aren't serious about the house. As everyone gets out of the van, Sarah and I are going over to sit in the grass. I look back and the vanagon is slowly rolling down their driveway. (even though the incline was larger and it should have been going faster). I run over and try to stop it because (surprise!) there are a bunch of trucks, new shiney trucks, lined up on the road below. The van's pedals are far from the seat, and narrow like a vw bug's. The steering wheel is skinny and has no power steering in it. This is all moving slo-mo and the dad comes out to help so I get out. Turns out there's this button he forgot to push (no, not the parking brake) that stops it from rolling down the hill.

Then warp to this jungle I'm living in with Dori and Lane and some other people. 1998 or so - I'm younger but still dressing stupidly. It's dark and damp and huge vines all over. Every time I try to swing down a vine or climb a branch there are spiders and furry little things scurrying by. I'm still in nanny-role for this so Lane's by my side the whole time. We were hanging out, coming in-and-out of the jungle for awhile though this part is the clearest in my mind: I'm trying to make my way down to the long dinner table at the base of these trees, but every vine has bats on it or isn't strong enough. Lane shows me these creepy vines that are thick as my arm and seem to grow from the ground up, instead of hanging. I swing my way down to the table, which is darkly lit by candles. We're eating this uncomfortable dinner (it was always stuffy eating with them), when Lane announces something: he wants to teach his classmates about Judaism. Stuart and Dori don't say much, she encourages him a little but Lane is persistent. At this point I am watching this happen, how Lane wants to do something so positive but Dori wants to protect his feelings: what if he's teased? what if he loses focus? So worried, all the time.

I fade from that scene to a house in wallingford I don't recognize. It's one of those house parties that you sorta know the host but don't bother because you know you're going to leave soon anyway. B's there with me, so this is recent. There is a large bathroom, the size of the bedroom we have now and all it has is a pedestal sink, toiled against adjacent wall (but opposite each other); the walls are painted velvety red and it has cream curtains. There is a door in from the hallway and a door out to the bedroom that nobody is in, the lights are out in there. I'm in there talking with B about something, we're not needing to be in the bathroom but the door doesn't lock. Laura from my old work comes stumbling in with (her boyfriend?) and I don't recognize her until she says my name. She's crying, she's really upset about something and needs a hug but she's so happy to see me. Didn't she move down to CA? Why is she at this party? Turns out we're at mikey wolfson's house, not in wallingford but on queene anne. Very strange. B is talking to her boyfriend-guy but the guy doesn't seem right. I can tell B's thinking something like "who the hell ARE these people?" because I feel trapped, like what do I have to say to Laura? She's going on about how She is the original LK, not Lucas. Does it matter? Then all at once she's wasted, she's needing to throw up but about six people come stomping in from the bedroom door, they're needing the toilet, the towels hanging on the wall, the sink needs more soap and we're out of hot water.

These dreams were liquid, they were a resurrection of people from my past that I never think about and this makes me interested in these dreams. I kept dreaming this morning, drifting out of consciousness that I needed to get up and tasting for more dream, wanting to see where I would go next. Fun but strange. Dreams are funny like that.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

Oh, and two more things:

  • ordered NEW 15" PowerBook Friday! CANT WAIT! (our first purchase together, too)

  • got Modest Mouse tickets FINALLY because we were slackers for so long we were darn lucky they didn't sell out.

    ...and I did not succeed in my new year's resolution (#2): make a new meal every month from scratch. I'll do it soon so I can make up for it. It's such a good and easy decision. I Love Eating!

    So yay, but boo. I'm doing well with having my sh!t together.
  • Hey. I am on the end of wrapping up a very relaxing yet fulfilling weekend...Friday I had all intentions of staying in and knitting, doing webthings, etc. while B went to Jamie & Jenay's housewarming party. Turns out traffic was bad so when his ride came, they all came up for a bit of wine to wait for it to die down. I had a glass, then I was convinced to join them. It was a friendly enough party. See, I'm still getting to know and warming up to B's outer circle of friends. Half of them I hadn't seen in a year or so, and that was the first time I met them. They are all great people, good intentions and intricite lives and all. Glad I went! Short and sweet - I was back by midnight.

    Saturday I went solo up to Alpental and Boy Oh Boy was I glad I did! The snow was so light and plentiful, I rode for a good three hours before the weekend crowds got to me. Taking some first turns down gunmount was just awesome, nobody seems to care about the weekday spots on the weekend? And elevator was great again and again...deep powder, big curvy turns...ahh...That's what I needed to want to go up after work!

    Came back, met my mom for some lunch (breakfast for me!) at the B&O. It was nice talking to her, I think our relationship has grown a lot in the past few years. After that I relaxed about w/Bri and felt lazy. Went out to eat w/Sara and Mark at that ummy pizza place down in belltown. It's always good there, great wine - I'm just not drawn to it as often as other places. Having an entire pizza makes for great leftovers though.

    Aand today we slept in a tad before going to eat with Mark up at the broadway grill. I need to get some new eggs here (mine are no good) so I can make morning foods at home...it seems silly sometimes to go out because it's so easy to make a really good breakfast at home. Especially when the two-egg meal is around $7. Unnecessary.

    For the first time in a long while, February came and I feel like I really lived through January. You know how it is when days or months just fly by? I noticed it ticking by but it didn't drag and it didn't zoom. It was perfect, like a great balance between lazy, artsy, movie/tv-watching, and activities.

    And every day I drift more and more in love...at breakfast this morning I felt the freshness of first date and longevity of love that lasts, that grows with time...

    Monday, January 26, 2004

    Fucken can't figure out my new health insurance. I know I'm not pleased with it: I have to pay a deductible on going to acupuncture before my 90% coverage kicks in. Stoopid insurance plans.

    In other news, we took our first trip to Mission of the season. Of course it was a great time - eight great friends, in the middle of Wenatchee, with not much to do besides boozin' and foolin' around. Too bad the snow was packed so hard you could ice skate on it. Ok, not that bad, but it was freaking COLD out there! Brrr. Hopefully next weekend brings better snow. Sounds like Stevens has been getting dumped on and I think we're planning on some hooky to go ski tomorrow? (ok not hooky but more fun than admitting to getting morning off...)

    Monday, January 12, 2004

    Hooo, I found my guilty pleasure of the day. In Hunter's folder: Dude Ranch. When did this come out? My senior year of highschool or later? No matter when, this isn't good but IT IS!

    Blog, I need to go back to acupuncture. My arm is hurting me again and I don't remember when but I hurt my shoulder in Jackson. I wake up it hurts, I turn it, I'm putting on my clothes and it Hurts. Typing hurts. I am a big pile of uncomfortableness in my arms. Great.

    Oh and CP is moving in to the cube next to us. Yay, that. I feel claustrophobic in my large cube with a view.

    I can't write now although I want to. Really on a roll today.