Thursday, August 29, 2002

Goddamnit work is killing me right now. I fucking had to leave a conference call meeting thing today so that I could go puke. I am SO over puking. I can't wait to get the fuck out of Dodge this weekend and let my mind have a break. Why was I cursed with such a shitty hangover? I didn't drink that much, I went to bed okay...Damit.

I want candy and I can't find any and I am Big Wah who wants to go home. I think I will....

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

Right now I am floating through life. Not much aim, little fuel left to push me along. Easily swayed by emotion and tired of thinking every little thought that enters my mind.

It's too hard to wonder how I went from ten years ago to now - and how the pieces fit together but yet I still hate myself sometimes and I still feel like I have so much potential sometimes, too. I don't like hating myself. Waking up and seeing someone I'm tired of looking at, living in the same place with the same brain talking me through my every move. It could be poetry, it could be beautiful but right now it's all cobwebs that are stuck to each other. I can't clean them off, I can't chase away the hauntings of thoughts that pollute my blue skies. It would be easy to slip away and not exist somehow; but even when I think about that I think about what it would be like when I come back and what the hell would I tell people? That I moved to Europe? Surely they would ask me how it was - and I can't lie. I can't pretend I've been to a whole continent when I barely know what's outside of where I am now. My comfort zones are cramped but I can't branch out of my own window.

Sometimes I think I'll draw, or write poetry. But it's too much effort. And I can't expect someone else to reach out a hand to pull me out. This story is all about me, this time I spend is how I choose to. Looking around I have things that I want, things that I like. I have friends to call that would love to hear from me and go out for a bit. But -

Oh shit there's so much going on in my fucking head. I don't want to die, I want to fucking be over with these feelings. I want to rise up above this and do some things. Motivation, where did you go? It's easy when I'm at work, the people I work with are great and it's easy to focus on - duh - work. But I come home and want to go out so bad but I end up with nothing when that happens.

I'm rambling. Wish I could count the times that happens. I should change this to "melissa's random ramblings."

i wish that you would move to the sun
cause you're like diggin' holes in thin air
and we know that can't be done
i wish that you would cheat with someone
cause you're like diggin holes in water
and we know that can't be done
bravery and stupidity go hand in hand
i guess that makes me the bravest man
i was quick to learn but slow to understand
well, what can you do
my theories are borrowed from somewhere else
and i never had too many to talk about
but you were real quick, you were quick to point out
well, that was borrowed too

Fuck people who aren't honest. With others and with themselves. It's just too fucked up that someone can be selfish enough to not see the people they are seeing as real people with feelings and have cares and the ability to love.

you need a permit if you're gonna build shit
and you can't get one so nothing gets built
and your house is standing on a foot and a half of silt

Monday, August 26, 2002

I hate alcohol and I hate drinking. I like drinking, alcohol hates me. One or the other. Sometimes both. My friend, I need a new group of people to hang out with. Good morals, fun-loving, down to earth kind of people. It's not that I don't have friends, but I need to unsubscribe myself from a whole bunch of them. Tired of feeling like shit, tired of going nowhere. Need positive thinking and the like.

Very hungry, very much want dragonfish. Where's Yang? Please send ESP message to ms.Yang requesting arrival at house so we can Eat Sushi in mass quantities. Mmmmm Yum! Tired need food can't write must generate brain cells soon. lates.

Saturday, August 24, 2002

What a week. Catching the 6:55 all week Sucks and I came home last night and, in the middle of a phone conversation, had to excuse myself because I was literally having a nap-attack. Passed out face down on the couch for almost three hours. But last night was great! My friend Casey's band (other than Pedro) - Seldom - played at the Paradox along with some other good bands. I was expecting to just see like, Yuuki (since he's in the band) and maybe Mike (since...he said he would be there). Usually at their shows, I'm in the corner hanging out and talking to myself. But my buddy from work came with, which could have been weird because I don't think he really listens to emo - plus the situation fast turned me into miss social-butterfly. Mark and Craig showed up which was just awesome! My head was spinning from downing some beer too fast next door, so I stumble out of the bar to find my friends from highschool there and I was just flabbergasted. Ecstatic. Stoked! The only thing I could do was revert to blabbering idiot mode and laugh until I had tears coming out of my eyes from all the stories and shit-talking going on. It was great. I forgot how good we all are at making fun of each other. It was strange because they're all into smoking pot now and I don't really do that much, but they don't drink as much as me; there's just something different about the mindstate you're in when you're stoned vs. drunk - and all the stipulations that come with both.

The show was good...I like going to Casey's shows but not all too often because to me, a lot of their songs sound the same. After the show was out, it took me like a half-hour to say my goodbyes, then J and I rolled out to Jack's to meet up with my boss and her friends. Lord help me, I had three whiskey-cokes. Did NOT need to do that, my head kinda feels like rocks. Since returning from "detox" (melissa style), I've been trying to keep my drinking under control. I think I did pretty well last night although at some point I noticed how I yap yap yap and don't shut up. I hope I don't sound too stupid when I go into auto-pilot like that. If I can get through today without throwing up from drinking too much, or at least not go out - - oh what am I talking about!! Since 11am I've wanted to get bloody mary's at Linda's and that's totally what I'm about to do when I get done with this. Bloody Marys are one of the best cures for any level hangover, at least for me.

Have finished what I need to do all weekend and am trying to find someone to go surf with tomorrow but I really doubt that's going to happen. I don't feel like heading out solo, but need to go before it gets too cold. Would be nice to make it up to La Push soon.

Time for a BM (ha, ha. Not a bowel movement you retard!) - Linda's here I come!

Wednesday, August 21, 2002

Since last time:
Mexico (most recent)
Still drinking (but not as much - quantity)

Mexico: Got a free trip to Mexico with one catch: watch a 15-year-old party her ass of while you're down there (no parents). Yeah, it was fun. But yeah, I remembered why I don't want to have kids yet. Whew. I re-lived the days of not knowing how to drink slowly, what puking uncontrollably is like, and not knowing (some)what of what goes on in a man's head. Through the eyes of this girl. Oh lord, on our last day she did 15 shots of tequila. Someone just mentioned tequila the other day at work and I swear I gagged and had to put on my headphones to block out the thought of the billiards hall with their 5 peso shots. EW!

Still drinking: Is this really news? Up until leaving the country, I was on a rage. Woooo! Beer all the freakin' time! Well, not anymore. Since I had to play "parent" (yeah right) for a week, I had a nice detox session. Yeah, I still drank a little but I swear I didn't go very far past the initial buzz. So now I am on day 3 of being back and not concerned in the slightest that happy hour is underway without me.

I skated today. Something that sucks, at least for me, is that when I drink so much I am consumed by it. I forget to head right out of the ferry line after work and go straight to the bars. Instead of spending time feeling good, being active and having fun with friends outside, I choose to hang out at a bar (which might be outside, but still sitting down) and eat cigarettes and drown my liver all night. Wake up and repeat until dead in the face.

So I'm feeling pretty damn good. Being more alert and productive at work which is Good because the Busy Season will be upon us so soon! I'm almost scared of it. Frightened of the thought that - gasp! - I might have to snowboard on the weekends like a Normal Person! Aaaahhh! There is a chance of working four 10's but I can't start thinking that now or I'll have a mental breakdown when it doesn't happen.

Completely forgot about my 100-things list. Started it but it's sitting in a book at my work, I think I'm on like 38 or something. It will get done. It's actually fun because it forces me to think about things that I don't usually relate to ME. Things I push out of my mind, used to be proud of, or happened so long ago I've written them off as someone else's doings. So, it will be an entertaining time for all when I get it up.

I really super bad need to do laundry. You are very happy to be sitting somewhere besides right next to me right now. Adios.

Sunday, August 04, 2002

I would really like to have some pictures of toy robots. Digital, for my website. Dunno why, just sounds like something fun to play with. Play with? They're not tangible if they're only on your computer! Yeah...I know.

So I just saw on a couple people's blogs a list of 100 things about them. Since I'm grounded today I think I'll start one and see how far I get. I think I need to order a pizza. MMMmmmm. Food is good. Right now I think I need to just concentrate on generating brain cells. Maaah! Yesterday was a ton 'o fun. I was too shaky (why?) to skate much, but I had fun. I can't believe that the Bainbridge ferry is cheaper than Vashon! I'm calling bullshit on that. I rolled in on pool coping, which was totally not scary. I wonder why I don't drop in? It's like I'm waiting for someone to do it for me, but that's not possible.

It's so cold in here I'm shivering. Yay for August in Seattle! I go order food to be delivered now. Hope that I can finish my 100-things list.