Friday, July 26, 2002

Day 2:
I'm doing great! Went to bed at 11 last night, which was fabulous. All day I did so much and didn't need to take five smoke breaks...

Tonight I hope to change the layout of my website. Think I'll order a pizza. Think that will help get me going? Or maybe just make me broke. Man I love living so close to food that I can walk to stores. I haven't done anything besides work and I'm NOT talking about Work on this thing. Not worth it. Imma go eatin' now.

Thursday, July 25, 2002

Dear whoeverreads myblog:
I have a drinking problem. This whole month, I have only been notdrunk six times. I have tried not drinking that much, pacing myself, bringing only cash/not buying - and I end up getting drunk, drunker, and before I know it I'm massively hungover and not feeling good about my Self. I am making this post to start my non-drinking binge. Going to be making an effort to post regularly and keep track of how much fun I'm having Not Drinking. Today I'm going to hang out with my cat and watch PPV TV. Go to the store and buy some decent food, for once. Enough of living off of Hot Mama's $1.50 pizza slices and Linda's fries. It's getting gross that I wake up smelling like a stinky bar and beer seeping out of my pores every morning. It's lame that I start coming around at 12noon every day, after I've had a coffee, maybe a coke, and trying to sop up the beer in my stomach with potato chips.

So, there marks the beginning. My parents have been warning me not to drink, because I went through a really low depression - and how I dealt with it was to drink. And I haven't quite come out of it yet, so I might slip back down when I'm not drinking. But I do have a great network of friends that support my not-drinking. That want to hang out and not get utterly wasted, rendered useless.

Okaye! So that's done. Now, am I supposed to work? UG on work. I went skating last night, the first time in 3 weeks. It was fun, but I was really out of it because I haven't done anything active for so long. My whole body was shaking, I had to stretch out. But I got back into it. I hope we get to hit Newburg this week...

Wednesday, July 17, 2002

I just made a blog and tried to post it and the darn thing froze. Fuck this shit. If you know me, you know what I was going to say anyway.

Friday, July 12, 2002

I am dying. NO work to do. Zero, ziltch, nada, non. I have been doing online tests and surveys, emailing, reading the world's news, sleeping under my desk and ROTTING AWAY since 9 am. My boss knows it too. Said it's OK because I'm "covering the phone". Which never rings. I even checked to make sure it didn't come unplugged. So I asked if I could leave early and got granted 30 minutes. Wheee! The best part is, since it's Friday and touristy season I get to leave 40 minutes before the ferry comes and sit and rot in my car.

Am I bitchy enough? Sometimes when I sit in my work chair too long it feels like the fat is being pulled by gravity into my butt. Sorry, I had to share that. I'm gonna go wander outta here now. I've had it with work.

Thursday, July 11, 2002

CANCER (June 21-July 22) You will be handsomely rewarded for creative endeavors. You have added responsibility; some depend on you for their emotional and financial security.

I was going to do a post anyway, reading my horoscope just reminded me to do it. Really, the next post will Not include my horrorscope. Though I must say, I'm bummed I forgot to read it on my birthday. Those are always more insightful. This one sounds pretty promising, though. Creative endeavors? I'm all over it! See, I knew it was a good thing I decided to stay home (most of) this weekend. Maybe I'll spend it writing a book that will become famous (see previous blog) or do some oil painting that will be noticed and I'll get sponsored to quit my job and just paint (yeah, right). But what's this about people depending on me for their financial security? I thought I was the one depending on others. Maybe it's all that imported food, wine and clothes that I buy that are imported from around the world. That's the only thing I can think of. Unless they're referring to my frequenting a certain bar by my house, and how that's helping others. Who knows. The part about what sign is prominent or whatever, I omitted that cus I Don't Care.

So, catchup. Uhh... Everything I was going to say just totally slipped out. A few minutes ago, I hit a crisis. Tired of my cds at work, I ran around trying to borrow others' but to no avail. So I'm streaming kcmu and hoping I'm not tying up the network. John in the Morning is so rad! YAAYYY! You know what's funny though, is that I'm listening to an archive of his and he's talking about how it's 54 out and we're expecting rain. Reality is, it's 80 out and we're expecting a drought. California is already at a stage 2 or something which means that they're down to less than 5% of their water supply. Wheee, folks. So rolling blackouts might be expected, people are being asked to turn off major appliances in the afternoon. I hope we don't have to get into water trouble.. I think we're fine because Hood and Stevens still have mass snow right now. Yeah, the pnw is the bomb. Ha.

Currently, I'm trying to work off this lingering drunkenness. Talked to Jessica last night and ended up meeting her at Linda's at like 11:30 for some pool. I was So Close to winning! It was rad, I haven't really played more than like 5 games all year and I'm actually doing good. We had a pitcher there, and then mosey'd over to the ca-ca to meet some others, had another beer and a whiskey. Needless to say, I got home late, took a shower at like 2:15a because I really didn't want to wake up earlier than I did this morning. My guess is that around 2pm today I'm going to involuntarily pass out on my keyboard. The coffee was a good jumpstart, but now I'm feeling kinda ill (not licensed to) and not even my munch em's are helping at this point.

Well I guess I should work again. I'm so unmotivated right now. Kinda surprised I even got out of bed. Sometimes I feel like I should be rewarded for being on time every day and working a full eight hours every day, by getting a free day off. Stupid, lousy real-world rules. Sick days, vacation days, number of hours worked, blah blah blah.


Wednesday, July 03, 2002

Ok, I'm keeping with the latest trend...
CANCER (June 21-July 22) Look beyond the immediate. Big things await; fame and fortune are beckoning. Answer the call and let it be known you are alive and kicking. Aries plays dominant role.

I'm ignoring the "dominant role" of X sign, because who cares anyway? Maybe the guy who takes my ferry tickets every day is an Aries and that was the Big Dominant Role. Fuck that shit.

Fame and fortune, though? Now this sounds promising. What am I going to be famous for? And will it be fame that leads to fortune, or am I going to stumble across a hundred dollar bill (yo) and that, in itself, will give me a break from my current dispair? And I'm not answering my phone today, I don't want to talk to anyone for awhile. So whoever's wondering if I'm dead, I'm not. Just read this and believe that I am indeed alive and kicking. Maybe I should start a rock band where all I do is scream on stage about how alive I am and just start kicking things for the hell of it. One thing is certain, I do have to look beyond what is immediately happening in my life, or I would totally not be alive. I'd be kicking everything including my own ass.

Back to work. Oh, sweet work. How I dispise thee even though it gives me a paycheck, I'm still trying to reason with myself on WHY this is a Good Thing. Hmm.

Monday, July 01, 2002

I just read that blog and I wanted to note that it's almost my birthday, and about a month before my birthday, ever since I was 17 or whatever, I get super manic. And depressed. It sends me reeling in all different directions but for some reason, even as I acknowledge that this happens, every instance feels as if I've been feeling it for a Very Long Time.

Right now, I feel like I have been Pissed Off for about a month, and it gets me upset that I can't be happier inside. But you know what? I know that I Was happy this weekend because I went skating twice both days and hung out at Linda's (sure fix) and was productive. And I played with my cat. Aww, I love her.

Still, right NOW I am afraid that if someone calls me before I go to bed they are going to be frightened of me. Like, oh shit what happened to Marcy? Is she on drugs? No, not that I know of, why? Well, she's just going off about all sorts of shit and not making sense but she wants to hang out but I don't want to hang out with her because all she does is wah about her life.

I know people have said this about me because I've said it about them. That which bothers you about other people, you have it in you too.

Ew, I almost just added something like "don't judge, lest ye be judged." I'm logging out now.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): You need a little more time; don't be cajoled into making snap decision. Perfect techniques, streamline procedures. You have yet to hear ``complete story.'' Pisces involved.

Ok, first off - who really uses "cajoled" in everyday jargon? And I DON't need more time. I'm tired of being patient, it hasn't gotten me what I want now so far. And what do I need more time for? Finding a job, yes. More time to sit and be pissed? No. Second thing, I don't have techniques and what kind of procedure are you talking about? Sorry to turn this into "Marcy's Horoscope" but really, folks. "Complete story?" I don't want to hear it. Won't believe it, so don't waste your breath.

God, I feel bitchy tonight. How 'bout you? Maybe I need a beer...

Well, I'm gonna leave that half-drank MGD in there to fuzzle a little longer while I drink my Last Pabst. Oh, sweet cold PBR, how I love thee... See? I feel better already! Back to my horoscope. I love Pisces. My sister, roommate, and 2 reallyreally good friends are Pisces. We always get along because we are Water (gurgle). But wait! What's the Pisces involved in?? With the "complete story?" Ug. Nevermind, fuck those fishes. I don't need anyone! I stand alone in my pain, glory, angst and bitchiness. But if you're heading to Linda's, invite me along because that's like my second home.

Monnndayyy, like the corner of my mind... You know what? I have completely forgotten what it feels like to be unemployed. Part of me really wants to get laid off so I can hop back on the happy wagon. Actually, it's more like the "happy, yet subtly distressed by not being a cog in society" wagon. I have a job, and it's great that I get to meet rad people and "feel" like a "normal" person again, but sheesh. Financially I suck right now! I don't have the $7 to get another 12 pack o' Pabst, and it's almost 10 so I'm too tired to walk up there. Too tired?! Hell, a month ago I was stayin' up late reeking havok all over the place with so much alcohol in my system I almost qualified as the next human-keg.

Yeah, I'm exxagerating. But I did wake up most of the time too drunk to feel like a safe, reliable driver. On the up-side I have to admit it's nice waking up and not feeling like I'm gonna hurl when I put the toothbrush in my mouth to clean my teeth. What Am I Blogging About? I can't wait to get some insurance. The first thing I'm gonna do is get me a shrink so I can maybe curb this anxiety/depression/o-c behavior that is taking over me. Damnit, I want to be normal and be able to make more productive decisions in my life than "well, should I go get more beer, or should I just sit on my bed and stare at the walls." Which, by the way, are still bare. The artist in me is scared to come out lately, I think due to my manic behaviour. Like, when I finally wake up out of this stage I'm gonna be scared.

Maybe that's where my friends have gone.