Friday, January 31, 2003

Yarrr...captain longbeard here. We're opening the hatchets, throwing the kitty out the window and leaving garbage on our neighbor's stoop. Yarrr.....!

All kitty wants is Attention! Look at me, I have work to do and my mind is sucking on code right now. MMm, that feels like soup. So the kitty will sit on my lap, occasionally putting a paw up on my keyboard. She likes to know that she is numero uno in whatever might be going on with me at the moment. For her benefit, I have moved her throne so she may lounge freely right next to me. Eyes glued on fingers of mine typing, she is in wonder of all I do. Or maybe that's just my side of that story.

This weekend I am so looking forward to! For a fleeting moment there was thought of heading north to the great land of the W-B (read: sooperpipe!). But that was just a play. Tonight, we head east to another great land, this time the one of Mission Ridge. A new adventure - my favorite! There will be friends there, some foods to eat, beers to be a-drunk....And of course the good times! What a life I live. Nothing is more satisfying than being happy and content with what you have in your life. I am going to try to complain less. I KNOW! It's been a habit since forever, probably since before I was born, I had a different opinion. Let's try to lighten the mental load and venture into the - I don't know what to call it. Venture into the place in my mind where I am in the Now? Hm. Guess I should need to think about that one. But I am going to make that effort. One shitty thing about that, is I will be the only one who can note my defeats or conquerings. As you heard, I am not saying I will cut them out completely. More like, watch how often negative things spew out. Let them stay in me, some. This is something so one-sided. Many arguments, objections, exceptions come up even as I type this.

So, let's change the subject! I have made an announcement, so let's just see where it goes, ok?

I am going to go make some yummy eggs and eat avocado on toast. Cheers, Blog!

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

I know it's coming - the rush of work that will consume me like I wish for; but until then, I will sit cozy and refreshen my Flash abilities and search for code I need to build new things.

And I LovE listening to Coldplay - song about Green Eyes is so beautiful, like the times in highschool when I would hear Radiohead and think all sorts of thoughts at once, thinking how pure and real and sure I was about standing on my own, about loving. Good music makes my day, it makes any day. The soundtrack to my life...

Cause I came here with a load, and it feels so much lighter, since I met you. Honey you should know, that I could never go.on.without you.

I love this year more than any time in my life, and it's still just getting started. How great is that? Great!!

Friday, January 17, 2003

I have the most supportive boyfriend, ever. For all the times that I've heard about people being happy in relationships and wondered what it would feel like to want to just Be with someone when I was younger; now I know. My heart is content, it leaps in joy and laughter when I am with my honey. It's true! I can't get enough peeks of us in pictures together and feeling warm fuzzies when he smiles at me like so. And the future is so Bright! I love to think of us taking trips - around the world and even just out to the coast. There is nowhere that I would want to travel without him. Another thing, that I always wanted to find but had never put a face on who I would do it with until now, is going shopping at places to buy paint for the walls in our house, or to buy some matching glasses for the kitchen. I want to buy a house together - do you know that although secretly I have always wished to do that, I was doubting it would happen? Not that someone wouldn't want to, but more like I wouldn't want to with them. Us finding each other, I think, is pure wonderful luck. Or something close to that...hard to describe. Very special and I feel so lucky to be at the right time and feel so right about him and us.

There are things that I get frustrated with inside myself. I don't understand why he says there aren't things about me that bother him. How?? I know that he loves me, but I don't think that that is the reason for him saying that. Now, I don't think that for things to bother him, that he wants to change me - but those things would be OK, too. Am I scary to approach? God, I just realized I don't think I've been this open about my personal relationships Ever, and especially online too. Are you reading this? Do you feel like you're snooping. Ok, fine. Don't stop reading then. See if I care! Ha.

So, what I was saying is that I don't know if I'm that intimidating to approach because I am so harsh, or if there really is nothing. Why can't there be something that he wished I do less, or changed the way I do it? I can't be perfect. I'm not. I don't give him all the love he neeeds. He likes things like snuggling, and sweet things being said. I am guilty of not giving those things enough. It makes me sad inside. Was it something about how my parents brought me up? Why do I feel de-tuned? I am going to see a counselor next week, voluntarily, and think it will be good. I want to make a list of things I want to talk about, and make some goals. Those, I think, I want to define after I start seeing her (like the first day, maybe) so that I can see what it is that is most important, or what I'd want to focus on.

Thursday, January 16, 2003

I want to be able to quit my job. So I can have all the time in the world to lounge about and eat truffles, watch Invader Zim and snuggle my honey. Though my work is very satisfying, I like the interaction with people and my yearning for learning is on the Up here - I never feel like I have enough Time to show B how special he is to me. I wish that we could travel the world, endlessly, covering trails and paved roads, wandering through towering, ancient buildings...watching the world grow around us. With only the two of us, in turn, each sending love to the other's heart. My soul is in love, I cannot type this color that is flowing through me. I cannot verbalize, form words out of these thoughts.

What it boils down to is this: sometimes I wish my mind was a big screen so you could see the little electrons bumping off each other in there, where my thoughts are going after they are created and how they were birthed. Then I wouldn't have to explain myself.

None of this is making sense right now. Right now I am tired, I don't want to work. I want to go home and snuggle with my Lovey and not have to talk. I want us to communicate on a thought-level. I can't think right now. This is all yammering. Maybe I am big WAH right now? Nah, I don't know what I would be for. Except I reeeeeally want a foods. Don't know what kind. I think I will try to read this new sequel table. *FUN*!! haha.

Tuesday, January 14, 2003

I just had the strangest sensation run swiftly through my brain.

I'm very much looking forward to yoga tonight. It's something that I have been wanting to try, and hopefully take up, for some years. Tonight should be fun because there is a group of us going (B included!) and I feel more at ease, less self-conscious when I'm not alone. At least with new things. So, I was thinking about what it might be like, how great it's going to feel, etc. and my head is just feeling very good this week. Tempermentally, I have been on the UP. Not much bogging me down or running me in emotional circles. What I start thinking is, wow - wouldn't it be nice to be this laid back and thoughtless more often? I had visions of myself going to a counselor and keeping up with yoga and kung fu - and it hit me. I'm not looking for a Thing that will release me. This IS me. Not that I haven't realized this before, or tried to deny it. But when I get the remembrance, the solid rush of something so...Human...rushing through me, I can't just brush it away.

Nothing seems to hold my short attention span, in terms of activities. People do, long-term plans do. But part of me just keeps seeking the next level of accomplishment, the thing that will cure me of my emotions that get tangled, get into arguments with each other and cause me to Feel. My real goal is to just enjoy life - I love so much of Me and everything that I have been blessed with. It's true - I have so much good in my life, it's disgusting to hear me ever complain. But my brain! It doesn't like to feel the things that go through me, and I never seem to have reins on them. So I plod on through life, having my times. It's good.

Needless to say, I am looking forward to yoga tonight. If it's something we enjoy, it would be nice to go regularly with B. I'm going to keep going with my day - that feeling I just described, it went through me in about 30 seconds and I think it has taken me ten minutes to type it out.

Friday, January 10, 2003

Something very strange is happening. Last night I had a dream that I was at a Mary Lou Lord concert, because she had a new album out. She sounded different, like teen pop or something. She was dressed in pink taffeta shirt with sparkly butterflies on it and black fishnet stockings. Nothing that I would actually expect to see her in, but that's what she was wearing. In real life, I actually have one of her albums. Maybe the only one she did? But John just played "speedy motorcycle" - by yo La Tengo but Mary Lou Lord sang that on her album and it was like part of my dream was being played again in my mind, hearing that. Spooky.

In other news, I'm excited it's Friday because that means adventures are abound for the weekend! What will we dream up to do - and what will actually happen? Satellite shows precipitation coming our way - sooner than we had expected, as well. Sounds good to me! But if it doesn't snow I hope to do some skatebording and lounging, having good company.

Ah, what a breath of fresh air it was to ride my bike home this morning. Wasn't aware it was 33 degrees out! So I'm awake now. Where should Holli and I go to eat?

Wednesday, January 08, 2003

Harrooow! And welcome to the new year. I'm back at work, and it's sort of hard to keep my mind on task because I keep thinking of things I want to do when I move into a house. Gardening, cooking, furniture I can buy. Not like I have money to do that now, or should be looking at where to live. Places don't seem to stay on the market for too long here, for rentals at least. And I really hope to move into a house. Or something with more of a yard than I had in Ballardo.

Well, not much to talk about because there is a sueper extreme lack of snow. It's all sheet-ice up there and not too much fun as we found out on Monday. This weekend we were expecting to make it up to Mission and finally use our passes, but forget that. It hasn't snowed and even though the freezing level is going back down, there ain't no precip expected for the next 4 days, at least. I'm hoping to go up to Orcas and ride there or maybe PDX and Newburg. Something! Skating was so so fun last weekend - why do I dork and forget to go out & skate when it's dry? Durr...

Ok here comes an experiment:
My work now has a cafeteria. Today will be my first time, ever, to eat at the "new" cafeteria. Report soon to follow....