Tuesday, September 24, 2002

Today started off so weird. I woke up and stumbled out of the bed, out of the warm covers and soft pillows; into the hot shower and my dreams still floating by my eyes. It was the haziest I've ever been for so long after waking up. I didn't feel like talking because I felt like everything was dripping through seratonin running through my thoughts. Does that make sense? Nothing really made sense until about 10:20am. It wasn't like I was going to pass out and I wasn't even all that tired, more just trying to grab my thoughts out of the air and think again. Different than hangovers that are void of comprehension - more like seeing dreams and hearing my thoughts without consciously doing so.

And then today dragged on. Tonight is nice, watching the sunset and wondering where B is. Gin and I talked about doing kung-fu so that would be fun! I'm all relaxed and feeling good after eating yummy swimming rama. Mmmm, rama-riffic!

Friday, September 20, 2002

I love the Wilco album that I absolutely had to buy with Brian, after we saw their documentary. If you haven't heard the album or seen the movie, do both. Soon. I can listen to it over and over and over and I'm listening to it right Now, ha! Just got back from a Guttermouth show...it was pretty fun. Today was Friday, I had a doctor's appointment after work and immediately after that I came home and started deep-cleaning of The Kitchen. No reason, except that it has really been getting to me that our apartment wasn't cleaned before we moved in. That would usually fully gross me out except that we know our landlord, so it made it less gross. I cleaned out the cabinets, washed all the cupboard doors, etc. In the midst of it all, in my pj's at 7pm (I was cruizin'), my boss calls me to say she has an extra ticket to the show. So I figure what the hell, and go. Didn't need to but whatever. Now I'm home, listening to music that makes me think of Brian, and wishing we could cuddle on the couch.

Instead, I get Melissa time and I feel completely at ease. Tomorrow after skating I hope to get the base of that canvas done. Jackie Chan gave me this hugemongous canvas that was abandoned at her building. Vast amounts of space to be covered, more than I have ever tackled. I'm into details, and that thing is so big I can only hope for beautiful shapes and color combinations. I'm sure it will be along the lines of what I usually do...I'm pretty comfortable with my style and for some time have been too hard on myself to stray from that.

Distance has a way of making Love understandable -
My mind is filled with silvery stars - Honey kisses clouds of love...

I have been in the best mood and don't want to stop. I wish my mind would slow from 100 frames per second to like 20. Imagination stirring like thick taffy, colors blending but slowly and changing into different textures - like something out of Willy Wonka's factory. I can taste the happiness, see the visions of the future so bright I can't help but smile and let it fill me entirely. I have met someone who meets all nine of my needs. Yes, I have a list. Over the years since I was 17, I've kept a list of what I need and what I want from someone. It has come down to these nine things, which if requested I will post but surely I don't need to. Do you know what this means for me? Heart strings being pulled, stars singing to me from the sky and the best thing is my mind feels at ease. I love it. Love love love, you - me.

Thursday, September 12, 2002

a diamond at the bottom of a puddle
did you ever stare at the moon - 'til you saw double?
i hear you walk away from trouble.
good love, there ain't no denyin'
bad love - somebody ain't trying...
did you ever walk someplace, just to take time?
or take the fast road & get going
and then the rules break - there's no mistake
these are the precious times

I know I've been told he's cheesey but I LIKE evan dando. There I said it - right out loud in my blog.

we got mountains, we got peaches
we got love that makes us mad, love that has to teach us...
i looked in a fryin' pan, sang a song
i looked at a dying man - he sang along.

So sue me. I like punk, I like rock. But I also like the emotions brought out from words put together that draw more images than just wanting to move your body and feel the noise. I like to want to be somewhere else, to drift off to memories and be reminded of things I pushed down. The things that I don't bring to my own attention.
Me, again. Me losing my mind while eating spaghetti, in awe of my life right now. It was such a short time ago that I felt down about myself, in so many ways. Tired of me, tired of the same cycles coming around but not sure of how to put on the brakes. I don't usually write about such personal topics, but this guy I met is absolutely the best. The feelings I've been having for the past couple weeks...it just blows me away. To feel like trusting again, to want the closeness I was scared of opening myself up to. So comfortable, and so easy to slip into dreams of moving forward. The future is open, never certain but with a positive mindframe I know that anything is possible. Seriously, I can't remember the last time I was so excited about what's going to happen next. I've been sleeping like a rock, I've been motivated to get out more and stop treating my body, my self - like shit. It's absolutely awesome.

Do I sound sappy enough? Well, it's true and I'm not afraid to talk about it. I won't pretend like I'm not feeling on top of the world. Hah!

And more good things - I found out that I got the position at work I've been wanting. (shhh! It's a secret!!) So I'm excited to move out of poo-dung position and finally have some responsibility, something better to do than sit at my desk and think of everywhere else I'd rather be at the moment...


Wednesday, September 04, 2002

Hello Blog. What's new with you? It looks like you've been avoiding me because you are preoccupied with someone else - is this rumour true?

What if I talked like that to my blog? What if my blog came to life and talked back? Would we all be on acid or would it be the final free-ing of all things inanimate...The things I ponder at work. Another inquiry: when am I winning the lottery, damit! It would be so nice to not be stuck in this rut anymore. God please grant me the patience it will take to fill in this hole I've dug.

I totally can't concentrate. Think I need some center of axis, the spinning is slow but it still isn't enough for me to pass by these windows, catching glimpses of things I want to touch and feel and experience before -woosh- they're turning around again and all I can do is watch as they leave and put in a hope to see them again. When did my mind start this random warbling? As far as I can remember, things occupy my mind-space. Dreams so vivid I can bring them to life, aspirations that have either passed or are still being expected - and somehow they remain on my list of things to do, unaccomplished. Too much? My drive is there, I like to do so much. But is there a need for finishing it all? I sometimes do, and sometimes don't - hope that I'll knock some of the things off my list. But what would I leave? Time outdoors? Energy spent on drawing? Brain cells generating the random nothings that sometimes build into somethings? Ah, I can't decide. But that's the best part - I don't have to!

Please remove your seatbelt and move about the cabin. Your captain has now decided to completely fuck off today and enter the world of make-believe. Auto-pilot has been advised.