Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Today I am in such a bummer mood,. I don't like when I open myself up to someone and really feel like they care about me, when they just end up ignoring me and taking me for granted. Everything in me feels so childish right now. You know what? I was looking forward to going to the show tonight w/Sara but she won't return emails and I know she gets them because she is a freak about checking stuff like that. Did I do something? Am I rude to her? Why does this pattern keep happening to me? As long as I can make friends, they've been leaving me.

Feeling lonely isn't fun. Piled up work is a mask for me to ignore that I have been kinda unmotivated to go out and do things lately. Coming in to work is the mindset I need to change. It seems so different w/Gin gone and I don't know why. I come in, I hide in my corner and code away. I dream of going out surfing, I want to go skate more and be outside and be active.

I don't even feel like typing now. So blah.

Saturday, March 27, 2004

I love lying in bed with my laptop. I love the heater blowing air on my cold toes. I love my fianceƩ and am so excited planning our wedding! The past two weeks I have been working so nonstop, so diligently. It was fun going out last bad of a reminder that long island ice teas are Not Good. Why did it have to taste like a margarita so much? And then I got a second one? Gimme a break.

There are these pigeons determined to build a nest outside my window. They freak out at any movement or loud noise or cat looking at them (like Begonia!). The male will bring a nice long twig to use and the female will break off this tiny little piece and let the rest of it fall to the ground. So far they've built four starts to a nest and then start over. I am convinced that pigeons are not too smart. The girl should have been fed up with the male's competence in finding sticks so far. Or maybe it's the other way -- he's doing a great job, she's just a novice & not too sure how to put a nest together.

Ok I just started thinking this: where do all the birds in the city go when they die? Do they fly out over the water or mountains far away from everything and give their bodies back to the earth? There are thousands of birds, but only rarely do you see a dead one from result of being hit by a car or something. How will I ever figure out this puzzle...

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Death is such a humbling thing. Getting Casey's email this morning wasn't surprising, I knew someday it would happen. It was like getting punched in the stomach, I curled up in my chair and let the tears come out. I feel so many things about it, from sadness for him losing his mom after such a long, hard battle; I feel more sad that I didn't get to visit her than I did when my own grandpa died. Having the older people in my life pass away hasn't been that hard. Sad, yes...I don't understand my emotions. The cherry blossoms are blowing petals through the wind and I think that karin is in heaven of some kind, with other angels that brought happiness and knowledge to so many other people.

Obviously I don't want to be at work today. It's very hard to concentrate and then someone sends out an email responding to casey's, about karin and my eyes well up. Karin was always interested in who you were, what you were up to, and genuinely cared. She was outgoing, understanding, compassionate...all the things that you would expect and hope for a mom and friend to be.

I would like to talk to casey even though I don't know what I would say except that I love him and am around if he needs me. I can't imagine how I would feel or god, if I'd even want to talk about anything, if one of my parents got cancer and went through all she did. The hard thing is knowing that nothing I say could make it at all better. Things like this you can't fake through your feelings or hope for more experience so you "know what to say" but I feel like I could offer nothing, I haven't been through it.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

and when I see you
I really see you upside down
but my brain knows better
it picks you up and turns you around
turns you around
turns you around

I am still in love with the words ben gibbard writes. Beautiful background, teary-eyed foreground. Soon I will become one with my computer. Communicating solely via keyboard.