Sunday, June 30, 2002

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Lunar aspect emphasizes communication, dealings with people from foreign lands. Pressure is on due to added responsibility; you will be up to it. Capricorn plays key role.

1 - I don't like Capricorns. Yes, I know some and yes we get along; but for the most part I keep my distance but am friendly upon impact.

2 - What's this talk of responsibility? I really don't need any more than I already have and am not up to even that much. Can't someone else do it? At least for a little while?

3 - Hmmm. This seems vaguely suspicious. Familiar? Does it mean that a certain someone who is ignoring me, I will have to (get to) deal with them? Doubt it. Nothing that the moon can help me with now, but thanks mr.horoscope guy.

I am so sick of this weekend. Sicker of thinking about going back to werk. I'm back to feeling like shit in numerous categories so just don't even get me started. I drank this weekend but to no avail (waste of money, barely got buzzed). I bailed at skateboarding and in one swift movement I bruised my palm, elbow, hip, and hipbone. Owch. I was happy to be there with only like 4 other guys so I could cower on the ground for a few minutes before getting up and being fully pissed at my fall.

Good things: woke up early sat & sun to skate, spent like 3 hours at burien today and that was fun. Yesterday I learned how to roll in which was rad considering I've only done it at Kent before... So, yay me. And I only spent $15 all weekend which is good because I am Broke. So broke I don't even want to get into it. I'm going now, too sad to write any more about my stupid life. Maybe overnight I'll get happy and be a gem tomorrow. Byeeee.

Saturday, June 29, 2002

Damit, I just burned myself putting in And taking out the pizza. Putting it in, because I was talking on the phone and thinking I was superhuman and could take a pan out of the 400degree oven with one hand and that didn't work, but now it's done and I'm so hungry and impatient that I want to Eat It Now but it won't cut because of the cheese still being too fucking hot and melty. So maybe I'll write a blog and my pizza will cool down.

So, today at the skatepark I yelled at a little kid on a bmx. I hate those fuckers. Some of them are cool, they stay out of your way and will apologize if they got in your way. They are not allowed at the park and what can we do? Nothing. Anyway, this little fuck dropped in in front of me when I was turning blind and I fell off. Could have broken something! So I told him to watch where other people were going. I don't know what this kid's problem was, but he totally started shit with me and usually I blow it off but he was within arms reach. I was so pissed, I yelled at him and then I called the cops. Fuck those kids on bikes. The cop came and of course the kids were just sitting there and the cop didn't do shit. I think it sucks that bmx's are not allowed and the cop's just like "well, have a nice day. don't hurt yourself." Like, Hell-o! I won't hurt myself if those little assholes stay out of my way. Lame.

Big wah: pizza is burnt.

I've been so good this week, I'd like an award for it. Since Tuesday I haven't gone anywhere. Let me rephrase that. I haven't gone out drinking anywhere. I have stayed at home to drink in effort to save money. This job I got, it doesn't pay enough. For a normal person, I'm sure it's enough. I am in debt and this time next year I'll have some loans paid off and will be richer. Until then, I'm to be grounded from going out, and I have to get another job. I'm not happy about this. If I find one, I'll work somewhere else. Reality is that I'm most likely going to end up at a restaurant being a cashier part-time while I keep the k2 one. Which is fine. Aaron said I might be able to do some web design for his clients but that might not happen until August and I need money nOW!

Man, I am just one big spew of wah. I'll be back later.

Thursday, June 27, 2002

I don't really feel like writing, but I'm still living so what's up?

It's raining and feels good. How come I always get these surges of want to be productive and do things after 10pm? That is frustrating because simultaneously, I get tired. So it's like, I can stay up and do things that are fulfilling - or I can sleep and get none of it done. I could pay my bills, that would be great! Or, I can work on my website and wouldn't that feel good too? Yeah...

It sucks being broke. All week, I've spent only $30 at the bar. That is an Accomplishment. Can't say the last time that happened. I'm so proud of myself! Work is really sucking right now, I have Zero Things to do. Literally. Especially because I'd rather be on my home pooter, I don't want to "play" on the internet or email. Since I'm "not supposed" to have pirated software, I can't do much of anything there. I can talk on the phone but then it's really apparent that I don't have any work. I mean, my boss knows I have Nothing To Do but she hasn't given me any work! Ugh. Oh well... I should just shut my mouth and stop complaining about things that aren't that big of a deal. I mean, I'm not dying, I have a house to live in. I'm almost out of beer but that's barely an acceptable wah. I guess I'll go to bed. Fuck that shit I said about being productive. I like sleep, it's good. bye.

Tuesday, June 18, 2002

My cat is the biggest stuck up spoiled bitch in the world.

She insists on hanging out in my roommates room - thus, shedding her long, thick fur all over and especially where she sleeps. Yet when my roommate tries to be friends (play, pet her, feed her) my cat turns up her nose and gives her the stinkface. My cat knows she has annoyingly long fur and will hide when she sees me coming with the brush. I'm not abusive, rough, or mean when I brush her. And when I'm done, to rub in the fact that I Am So Abusive, she hides behind the stereo and gives my friends (and me) pity-me looks. In the morning I wake up with just enough time to get ready and get to work on time. Sleep is good. Sometimes, I have a five minutes extra and so I play mouse with her. When I explain that I have to work so that she can eat premium food and shit in a box, she gives more pity-me looks. Friends come over and she acts scared, like she can only hang out with me. Somewhere along the lines of her upbringing, she got the notion that she is royalty. That she deserves constant attention and love...

What have I done to create such a selfish little bitch-cat? Is there anything I can do to curb this behavior? I'm just glad she's not related to me or I'd actually feel responsible for this type of behavior.

In other (yet slightly related) news, I'm going to Whistler this weekend and Gin's going to KY, and that can only mean one thing: The Cat Will Suffer. She will be alone for over 24 hours and hopefully will think we deserted her, so when I return she isn't such a little cunt.

Did I mention I hate ASP? Well I do.

Friday, June 14, 2002

I just faxed my ID to volt! Wheee!!

Now I just need to:
pick up my prescription
scan and put up mamafest pics. (note: can't scan until my driver gets fixed. i will be very upset if i have to get rid of scanner)
food shop
get a new license
get my old mail that is piling up at the old house. (finally found my moneycard so i changed my address today online)

Ahhhh.... Now I just have to decide what I'm doing this weekend. Beerfest? Skatefest? Free dinner at dad's on Sunday for dads-day.

My eyes are burning from staring at this gd screen for too long. Even walking around the office doesn't really help much. Leaving early today, must escape.

Wednesday, June 12, 2002

I feel SO MUCH BETTER! Aside from brainless, menial werk, today I:

renewed my prescription (still haf to p/u)

did laundry (clean sheets!)

got kitty litter - ahhhh...

cleaned up 80% of the krap that was bugging me about my house

watched tv (the dvd is missing a cable. hmmm) (??)

played with my kitty, who is still a spoiled princess

emailed some folks

But still haven't found my moneycard. It was Great for me to get all this done tonight! I was so dead, the ferry was late but it was nice hanging out on the deck with the sun out. Didn't get to skate today but since I kicked ass tonight I'm gonna take my car to werk & go out tomorrow. Or at least drinking. (think small drinking, casual). I get my first paycheck -- wheeeoo!

Tomorrow my only goal is to fax in my goddamn passport. No skateing or drunking until I do! grrrr.....

Tuesday, June 11, 2002

Sometimes, this makes sense to me:

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Overcome tendency to brood. Transform moods into action. Define terms, find ways of speeding production. You will be regarded as a "mystery figure." Pisces plays dramatic role.

Tendency to brood? ME??

Whatever. Whoever wrote that can fuck off. And I don't need any drama in my life! If you are pisces, I will avoid you. bye.
Right now I hate myself. Why am I such a complete slacker? To keep up with my last few posts, I STILL haven't faxed in my passport to get that $200 from Salomon. I've been drinking too much, in every way that a person can. I haven't been calling friends back, emailing, cleaning up after myself, or doing anything I usually do and now my TODO list is out of control. I even went food shopping tonight, got to the checkout stand, and didn't have my card in my wallet. So I am still foodless. Where the fuck is my money-card? It seems like the only thing I have been doing right lately is getting to work on time. That's an accomplishment, taking into account the fact that in the last 4 years, I haven't had a job with a definite start time. Pretty much crawl in when you want to, which would be about 9am but since I have to take the mo-fo ferry I am slave to the schedule. If I'm late, it's going to be at least an hour.

Somebody please shoot me. I am lower than low and I don't even want to poke fun at it anymore. Even went skating tonight and although I was there almost an hour, I just wasn't feeling it.

So I'm eating canned chili and beer for dinner. At eleven o' clock at night. This is just ridiculous. I feel like crying but that would take too much energy. I want to draw my frustrations out but would proably start crying. I'd make a drink but probably keep drinking and not wake up tomorrow. Can I just crawl in a hole and die? Don't take this the wrong way - I am happy with my life right now. Everything IS under control, just not me. Somewhere in the past month, with me getting a Job and moving, I lost track of everything. Lost my mind, forgot what to do to Live. Right now I'm spewing words from my brain in case you can't tell.

Tomorrow I will:
go food shopping
buy kitty litter
do laundry
clean up that pile of krap in my living room
take a deep breath, tomorrow is a new day.

To spare the world from hearing what's inside me I'm going to close out and take this to my book. It's proabaly my low blood sugar but I feel really wah, upset, and sad right now and want to just shutup. Want to have tomorrow come. Oh, and I need to renew my prescription. My brain is out of control. Gimme some drugs.

Monday, June 10, 2002

Still haven't faxed that lady. Why am I such a slacker on Everything? Capitol letters l,a,z, and y. The number I need to fax my passport to is still packed away in that bigass box in my closet... It would probably be good to collect my damage deposit so I could have some mon-ay as well.

What's new, people? I am slowly adjusting to life at work - training was so easy and we've been super slow waiting for another promotion to come along. yay. I've been wanting to skate lately but when I get out there, I kinda feel like I'm on this dumb plateau where I need to be doing something different but aren't ready to push myself. Not lazy, just underconfident. And now I'm Sooper Excited because I get to be stuck indoors as the temperatures rise. It's sunny, the kids are still in school, and I get to be here. (wah)

Actually, I'm pretty content right now. Things are starting to slide back into place. I'm a cog again but that's OK because I've got my fun when I need it. Maybe sometime soon I'll get my creative juices back. Inside my head there are creatures, they won't shut up but they don't want to show their faces. It's like having a cave or a tunnel like in the labyrinth where the walls talk. Only sometimes scary, sometimes not. And the creatures are little devils with horns and swollen bellies and grimey little faces. They tell me to ignore this life and just crawl in my head. Then I remember to talk and be normal. I can do it. Illusions. Anyway, for awhile I've wanted to put these guys in a book or something to free them. Free myself, in a way. I haven't talked to Frank in a long time but we were going to do a book together but I wasn't focused enough to follow through. And it was probably just me, but I didn't like his writing style. It would have been like if someone didn't like my drawings.

Someone close to where I'm sitting just doused herself in perfume that is making my eyes sting. I gotta go.

Wednesday, June 05, 2002

I need to remember to fax in that thing to that lady down in PDX so I can get paaid, yo! Where is my mind?

Deleri-ism sinking in fast. Spaghetti-O's clogging system. Can't write complete sentences...

Oh man I haf to wake up and work. In 5.5 hrs.

God, why are there people like Frank?

I really like pabst but water will do just fine.

Sometimes, it's easier to leave the thinking to other people. I hate having to make decisions when I really don't know what's going on. Should I brush my teeth now; or is it OK to wait until the morning? Should I eat someting now or will it make me feel fat & bloated when I wake up?

Like I said... someone else will know. But I don't think anyone else will know what's going on in my head. I don't tell very many people what I'm up to or who I'm meeting, what's going on in my life. Can you guess? There is some super-secret-covert operation going on, involving a certain individual. I won't say names but if that person reads my blog I'm down. Should already be down, according to how retarded I am already.

What am I saying?

I'm going to bed. Goodnight, world. Pray that my toothpaste has the powers to erase all bad stinks from my breath right now.

xoxox -- marcy, melissa MCD.

Monday, June 03, 2002

Oh my god, I'm out of my drunken stupor. Ate some dinner last night to try and generate some brain cells. Woke up this morning so fucking early but that's been how it goes lately because the sun reflects off of the buildings across from me. I've been in the best mood lately, although I feel slightly off-balance, it's just due to moving. I'm almost ready to be social again and answer my phone. It's just been nice, hanging out with some great company and having adventures. I think I had the perfect last couple of weeks before starting work. Sitting and staring at a computer all day will take some getting used to. I'm going to see if I can take 45-min. lunch breaks with Gin to skate the park because not seeing the outside world is going to bum me out. Hopefully I can transfer positions and work 4 ten's A.S.A.P.

I love my new place! It is a great location, almost perfect proximity to the bars. Great walking distance to beer, downtown, and the freeway. One of the best things is having only one roommate, and especially one that I can't complain about. No more ass-cat, no more driving me insane with arguments. Aaahhh.... Just us and the cable discrambler. And pretty sunset views.

I REally wanted to skate ALL last week. Somehow, the occurence of me sliding on my face at the pool prevented me from wanting to get out and skate. Instead, I got to spend time nannying, moving, and alcohol consuming. Hopefully I have drank enough that this week I won't miss stumbling around and bar hopping. Wait - did I just say I won't drink all week? Noooo. I just mean I'll be sober at noon. And at three-o-clock. I'll be one of those people who rolls out to drink around the time the sun sets. Right now I'm enjoying my 3rd black label (butt licker) so maybe I'll stay in tonight. Get some stuff done, be productive... look at my to-do list. (where IS that thing??)

What the hell am I talking about? I nEEd to stay home tonight! Saving money is good, rehabilitation is good, just chillin' to some cable tv is good. It's all good. Oh yeah, what's not good is we got kicked out of the dog bowl on Saturday. (friday?) Something about the king county housing authorities buying the lot and even though the cops were cool, it sounds like pretty soon we won't be able to hang there. I wonder how long it will be until the no trespassing signs are up.