Thursday, July 26, 2007

Oooh, ooh I just remembered something. I think I've done this, way back when I had just started at K2. I know I used to when I worked at MZ. Head out to westport straight after work. Surf at night, sleep, wake up and surf early and get to work around 11am/noon. Trying to figure out if it would be possible to squeeze in something like that, move the work around to a little different schedule?

HMMM. I like this plan formation!!
Going through the CD's. Going back to what I had before but not who I was. I need a different word to describe what I'm feeling besides "weird." That's the best adjective I have right now.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

This is by far the hardest thing I have EVER experienced. I feel like my heart is stuck in a hallway, it wants to open doors that are now locked. And the key has been thrown to the bottom of a deep, deep sea. Probably swallowed by a monster.

I am so sad. Blue, down, cloudy, downtrodden. I can't think of all the adjectives that describe what I am feeling but it's sadness times a million. Heavier than rocks.

I know you tried, I know you're cursed.
I know your best was still your worst.

I'm missing you.
it all came rushing back to me. a big tidal wave, complete with sealife and kelp and things you don't even know what, floating and stirring beneath the surface.

the tidal wave leaves me in the form of tears.
Sunny days. Short skirts. Cold drinks. Flowers blooming. Warm breeze. Flowers. Climbing vines. Longer sunsets. Earlier sunrises. Sunglasses. Flip flops. Sandy beaches. Surfing. Saltwater dried on your face. Sunburns. Outdoor concerts. Beers on the roof.

I have a map of Kauai on my wall, right next to my desk. I love looking at it and thinking about all the places we drove to, snorkeled at, took pictures, had a drink & ate at. Such a fun place to visit!

I want to go back.

Monday, July 16, 2007

And you didn't even notice
When the sky turned blue
And you couldn't tell the difference
Between me and you
And I nearly didn't notice
The gentlest feeling
You are the bluest light

I like this song, it reminds me of walking home in the springtime. Maybe it rained a little bit ago so the air is fresh, smelling of freshly cut grass. The sun is setting and rose, crimson and orange fade into a bright blue that fades back into the dark night sky. I don't know where I'm walking home from in my head but that's what I think of. The first line about shadows (I didn't post) reminds me of being alone in the dark but safe and secure. Ivy climbing over a wall, hanging down mixed with other flowers in my old alley.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

It's still fuzzy, like looking in the mirror after getting out of the shower. I can make out shapes and colors but not the exact placement or outlines.

But I'm starting to see

I was in love with who you were

(when we were together)

And now that we're not -

You're not who I love now, you're who I loved.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

This is going to sound twisted but I want to write it. Maybe I will come back here in a few months and delete it, embarrassed at myself.

I think Brian is in love with Karolyn. Not sure when it started or turned serious (at least in his mind) but that's what I think. He has owned button-up shirts since I met him. Rarely liked to wear them though. I LOVED him wearing button-ups, always complimented him. He is a good looking person so naturally, you put a nice shirt on him and it looks good. For the last two months or so, he's been really into nice shirts. I started noticing back in May that he would wear a nice shirt when he went out with Karolyn, even if it was just to get a beer or something casual. He'd wear a regular tee when him & I would eat at Machiavelli.

Second act of behavior is his shopping a couple weeks ago. For probably six months, Brian has been complaining of needing new "regular" clothes. I'd been wanting him to buy them! When I made headway on the Coastal site and had store credit, most of it was spent on clothes for him. I had been encouraging him to go clothes-shopping after that, so two weeks ago he asked if I minded that he wanted to go shopping (this is after he said he wanted a divorce), I said to go for it and I didn't care what he spent. Because I don't, and I didn't. He spent nearly $600, which is outstanding for Brian. He used to have a hard time spending $100 on a few things and he bought three pairs of jeans, two over $100/pair. He bought a bunch of nice shirts, too. This is the guy who would walk into Levis and totally debate if he wanted to spend $35 on jeans. Had nothing to do with me, I'd tell him to buy 2 pairs. It's nice to have clothes!

Next thing is his hair. Before Brian started at Mel's and his hair was long, he'd use some product for this reason or that. I liked it, thought it smelled nice, etc etc. Since he'd been keeping his hair short, he pretty much stopped using it. A little while back, and he's started wearing it - when he goes to see Karolyn. Not when he goes to work (maybe once a week). Interesting, no?

About a week after Brian told me he wanted a divorce, I saw him texting and asked what he was doing. He showed me. He was texting Karolyn "Love.", "Love!" and "i love you" - he showed me all three times what he was doing. I used to be what he called love. The fact he said he loved her doesn't mean anything alone (he loves everyone) - it's him calling her Love.

The other thing is just the sheer amount of time they spend together. From Karolyn's perspective (assuming she's not lusting after Brian), I'd be stoked to have someone who's available and willing to go out any time, go on trips, come out to Woodinville and hang out. She has plenty of friends but her and Brian get along, so why not hang out all the time? But from Brian's perspective, he's got a hot girl to hang out with who's fun, has money, they get along - so why not start leaning toward liking her? All the time he was spending with her, he was ignoring and pushing me away. Which made me agitated and "bitchy", so I wasn't fun for him to be around. Even more reason to get closer to Karolyn.

Ah, I just remembered. Since Brian declared divorce we've been talking about how we want to stay friends after the dust settles. As messed up as this sounds, I really like who Brian is as a person and think it would be fun to be able to snowboard with him, see him in a group of people, etc. I've been thinking about what it would be like to see him dating someone because I know that will happen. Just trying to be realistic, right? On three occasions, as we're talking about this, Brian has said "but would you still want to be my friend if I was dating Karolyn?" Not "would you want to be my friend when I have a girlfriend" - specifically K. One of the times he said it, he added "you even said we should date! We get along, have so much in common, and she's so much more easy-going than you are." Yes, I said he should date Karolyn. I said it when we were arguing, throwing barbs at each other and I was completely sick of being compared to Karolyn. I really like and admire her but I don't strive to have her personality or live her lifestyle. I didn't actually mean to suggest they should literally date.

The fuel behind me typing this out is I've been searching so hard for the "why is this happening" answer. He turned off like a light. Yeah the last few months were hard and strange but I was not given the opportunity to change. Brian claims he gave me this chance, but he was on such a short fuse with me he was setting me up to fail. He wouldn't come home on the weekends (Memorial wknd I saw him 6 hours total - he hung out w/K the whole time); and it just doesn't make sense to me that the man who had stars shooting from his eyes for so long about me, about us, so excited to do Everything together - would just toss it to the side. Makes no sense. It's just not in his character and he has himself convinced that he went the fair route. I believe he's waiting for the divorce to be final before he comes out with any of this so nobody judges him. If any of what I'm saying is true, his friends would not be so understanding, and he needs that compassion right now.

That's it. I just wrote so much more than I thought I was going to, and I'm not going to re-read and edit it now b/c I have to go out to meet a friend. Doubt there's more but if there is you know I'll come back and add it.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to

It's true...I was made for you

* * * * *
I hate my ipod lately. Too many songs come on that open up the floodgate to the memories of us. Today has been a hard day and it's only half over :(

Monday, July 09, 2007

Happy birthday to me!

I feel like I have moved so far forward, the way my brain processes and my heart talks to me. I know I will grow from this pain and shed my skin like a snake. It will peel off bit by bit, sometimes larger pieces will fall. Sometimes it will pull and I'll feel the pain and other times I will forget where I lost one.

So much love surrounds me. That Death Cab song sings to me, an echo in the background. All is full of Love. It really is. More people have come forward with love and thoughts and caring ears, it's almost too much to bear. Part of me is so numb, then I thaw out and feel and see where I am and remember this is all so true. I am still hurting inside. As much as I am growing and stretching my limbs, there is still stinging.

Maybe there is nothing you can count on besides yourself. Yes, the only thing you can control is yourself but when you enter into marriage, why is that not sacred? We had talked so much about how we would work things out, how we would make it always work out in the end. I thought we were walking down the same road, looking at the same horizon. How was I so deceived? How is it that I can look back on where I was and not be sad that is gone from my eyes? Someone else was looking through those eyes but it was really me. A lot of times I catch my self feeling out of my body. Like I'm floating in my seat. It's kind of a fun feeling but when I know it's coming from the fact my brain is trying to block out, trying to cut off the sensory - I don't like it. I have to come back down like a leaf falling from a tree. I come back slowly, wavering in the air. Then I'm a heavy weight in my seat. Everything drops down into my feet and I don't want to move so I just keep plodding along from where I sit. I type, I look, I phone and think. Lots of sitting, lots of thinking.

Going to bed now. Want to have dreams of somewhere I won't be for a long time.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
... who's gonna take the place of me?

No, really. It's over now - really over. He couldn't get away from me fast enough. Seal the deal, movin' on, don't look back. There are so many holes in my heart, so many things I do not understand. Will I one day? Not sure. He says I will.

One year ago was not like this. Never thought I'd be in this position, and here I am. This is the most unexpected thing ever served to me. I'm fuzzy, I'm numb. I'm sad and torn and collapsed. I know it's ok to feel what I feel right now. Yes, one day I will pick up pieces, pick up my life and find a new spot to cozy up. Looking forward to having my own place, that will feel good.

I have to go, I'm at work. This is too hard it's tearing me apart.

Monday, July 02, 2007

I guess this is becoming where I post lyrics that move me? Blogger is a good place for me to empty my thoughts, spread 'em out on the table in an almost tangible way. I'm probably going to post a hundred more songs, too. Wilco just came on - I am Trying to Break Your Heart, the live version. Wilco will forever remind me of Brian and our fun times.

I really can't believe I hurt him so much. What kind of a terrible person am I that I was so oblivious to the pain I was putting him through? Sinking like a ship inside me ...

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

Iknow I would apologize if I could see your eyes
'cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You cant keep awake

Sunday, July 01, 2007

   Love is watching someone die.

         So who's gonna watch you die?

waves of emotion come over me and i let myself cry. what could be sadder than your husband turning away forever? what could dig a bigger hole in your heart than looking back on fun times with your best friend, knowing they want to go down a different road now? i thought i was secure. i thought i knew who would be by my side in 5, 10, 50 years down the road. i didn't know this. it is so humbling to be reminded that in the end, we are all alone. right now i see marriage as a way to feel secure in a lonely world. marriage comforts you, it gives you someone to share your innermost secrets and have inside jokes with. it provides a cushion for when you fall, and it's like your shadow because it doesn't leave your side. you pour your love into and over this other person, and it's ok to expect their love to come cascading back your way. might be the only time i can think of where i think it's okay to expect something. usually i see expectations as a way to get let down. love is understanding and patient, it cares about you in ways you didn't think of. makes you smile like that.

and i am so glad i love myself. i might be lonely, i might be sad or hurt but i will never lose the love i have for who i am.